Starting Therapy Again: Therapy 2022

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

I had a call today, about an hour ago, organising my next round of therapy. As the psychologist said, my name had come to the top of the list. In all honesty I’m surprised I’m there already.

I’m due to have my first session on 31st January, two weeks away. My head is a mix of thoughts at the moment and I’m having issues with identifying feelings at the moment but I’m pretty sure they’re mixed to.

The psychologist assigned is lovely. She ran the DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) and has done two assessments with me in the past. I know how she works and I like and respect her. This has taken away a bit of anxiety straight away. But obviously there is still anxiety there.

With the current situation with Covid, the therapy is still online and this is something I’m always a bit anxious about as its not the easiest way to do it and isn’t always reliable. Also it makes me feel even more vulnerable than when I’m in a room that is nothing to me. My room is my safe space but feels less so when doing therapy from there. The upside though is that I will have a cat with me most likely and that can only improve any therapy.

The type of therapy that has been suggested is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which I’ve had a brief encounter with in the past and found extremely difficult with the level of mindfulness that was required. But it’s not set in stone and more will be decided when I have the first session on the 31st. Hopefully this is something I can discuss.

So that’s the news therapy wise. My Monday afternoons will no longer be my own. The hour where I had some down time is now filled. Hopefully I can get more balance in as we go along. Whether I write a new therapy journey for 2022 on here remains a question. We shall see how it goes.

Dismal December

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

We are in the month I find the hardest. December. Heading to Christmas. Ugh. Made to feel bad for not being festive. Just wanting the ground to swallow me up or to go to sleep and not wake up either ever or a long time.

The thing is people don’t get better from mental illness just because it’s the festive season. In fact it can be harder. Apart from being winter here in the UK, so seasonal affective disorder can be a contributing factor, the whole season can be stressful and exhausting for everyone so add in the mental illness and its at least twice as hard.

Also with Christmas support is more hit and miss from mental health services. People take time off work, which is good, but that means the gaps to slip through are bigger. Everyone that is working is stretched. The whole reach out message is just a joke and people definitely don’t want to reach in to those struggling. Or that’s how it feels. Tell someone that you’re struggling and it’s much longer before you hear from them again.

I know this is a negative post but sometimes it needs to be told how it is right now. Yes I live with my family so I’m not alone “at Christmas” (everything now has at Christmas added on to it when the issues are all year round) but you know what I think I’d prefer it rather than having to fake a smile for hours. Everyone is different and has different needs. Christmas does not change this. Its sensory overload. Social overload. Stress overload. Please think of this when trying to make people be happy and mix and do all the things.

Also this year, 2021, it’s the middle of a pandemic so if people don’t want to meet up because of anxiety about it that’s understandable too. We should never force anyone to do anything that hurts them mentally.

Anyway that’s my festive grumble. Do what makes you comfortable this year.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Tears And Waiting

This is a personal view as a family member of someone with cancer. Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

It’s been a while since I wrote about cancer. It’s not that it’s not been at the forefront of my mind. I think when it’s part of your family it does stay there pushing its way to your thoughts. But I just haven’t had anything of any real worth to say. Or anything to share. Lately though my thoughts are busy.

We currently are waiting in results from my mum’s latest CT scan. We have appointments booked with the two hospitals involved in her care in the next couple of weeks. This will be to discuss the next steps. We know it won’t go away. We know the prognosis isn’t good. But we will find out how bad it is at the moment. This is what is playing on all our minds and there have been many tears. Mum is wondering if this will be her last Christmas and trying to sort out jobs that have needed doing for a long time. But there are random things that cause her floods of tears. From watching the repair shop – UK TV programme – to organising seeing her friends, all are liable to induce tears which are catching.

There are clues to her state of health. I can see declines. It is scary. Also I know she doesn’t see some of them and this makes it harder to cope with. I just want to curl up and ignore the world. I’m struggling but I don’t feel I can say this. I feel like a burden if I do. I’m possibly getting more support but I need to see if it’s happening and I don’t have the energy. No one tells you how exhausting waiting for results is. I’m not sure any of us are sleeping much.

I don’t know if I’ll write again before the results. But I hope to write soon. Thanks for listening.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Birthdays

This post is written as a family member of someone with cancer who has their own mental illness to deal with alongside the cancer of their loved one. Please be aware some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

In the last couple of months we have had a couple of birthdays to “celebrate”. I use the term loosely as they’ve been a little traumatic. We also have a couple coming up so I think they will also, possibly be difficult.

The first birthday was my own. And all through it I couldn’t stop thinking that I could soon(ish) be having them without my mum. I don’t know how many more she will be around for. If the life expectancy they gave is accurate, I may only get one more with her. Even writing this I’m crying. I hate my birthday as it is but to have her gone would make it even worse. You surely, if your mum has been with you all along, can’t think of your birthday without thinking of your mum. She’s the reason you have a birthday. And she likes to tell me the same stories about my birth every year. That would be gone with her.

So my birthday felt hard in many ways. Mum was determined to make sure it was good as she didn’t want her chemo to have an impact on the day. To be honest it meant I could have the quiet day I like so that worked out for me and her. I have put the birthday card from her and dad aside as I’m scared it will be the last I get with her handwriting on.

Next came Mum’s birthday. Blimey that was tough. Not only was I thinking the same as I had for my own birthday, for hers. But she was thinking it could be one of her last. That she might only get another one. That was hard to see. The fear she was feeling went through me. I understand the fear when you’re not finished with living. As someone who is repeatedly suicidal I think I’d still be scared of dying and especially the way cancer takes you.

With mum we had many tears on her birthday, understandably. Also she wants to get her state pension so we were saying we’ve got to do at least another two to get her to sixty six. That’s our aim. Our reason to keep fighting. Because we are fighting this as a family. We all feel it.

Coming up we have my dad and my nan’s – my mum’s mum – birthdays. Again difficult as they are the close family. That’s it the four of us. Yes we have extended family, but this party of four is my main nuclear family, even though my nan lives separately she is still in there. How will we cope when it becomes 3? Or as my nan will be 95, 2? It’s all very scary. What about when it’s just me?

So yes birthdays passing are a cause for celebration as we meet more milestones but they also feel like a countdown to the inevitable passing of mum. They are not something I’m looking forward too anymore. I know this is quite a sombre idea but this is our reality. Cancer sucks!

Falling Apart

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care when reading 💚

Life, not for the first time, is a struggle that I don’t want to deal with. That I’m finding hard to deal with. So much is going on; in my life, the world and my head.

Obviously the big thing everyone can see in my life is my mum’s cancer and all that that brings with it. I’m not stupid so I knew there would be lots of stress, lots of appointments, lots of uncertainties, lots of dealing with the effects of treatment. I didn’t take into account how it would obliterate my life. I’m aware that sounds so selfish. And it probably is. But I’m finding that anything I want to consider doing for myself comes way down the list. Even my hospital appointments have been reworked at times or slipped in where possible. Some I need to chase up but am scared I won’t be able to make the time or date and it will be a waste.

Cancer is evil. I know that. But my mum’s personality mixed in with this has been hard too. She becomes obsessed about every little thing when she’s ill. She believes that the doctors should be working for her and her alone. If they take a little too long in her opinion they apparently want her to die or don’t care. This is wearing to try and placate and rationalise. It also leads to being spoken to like dirt a lot. This is not helping me mentally.

Also my mental health team seem to have forgotten I exist. I was sent an appointment for June that I couldn’t make due to another hospital appointment booked in already. The thing is my CMHT don’t change appointments they just cancel and say they will see if psychiatrist wants to redo it. This seems ridiculous but it has meant I’m now someone who is meant to be seen at least every three months and haven’t been seen since February, making it six months. I’ve tried phoning and have either left a message or just listened to the phone ring and ring. And each time I ring takes it out of me for a long time. My anxiety goes into overdrive.

This is where I think I’ll mention how much I’m struggling mentally. My anxiety is high and I’m using my PRN (as needed) medication at least a couple of times a week. This is a high increase as I had only needed it once every now and then for months at a time. I hate using it as the side effects make me feel out of control and can feel worse. But I can’t cope without it right now. I feel so so alone.

I’m also dealing with a lot of dissociation. I’m missing how things are happening or are going to happen. I feel constantly at a loss as to what is going on in the world around me. It’s scary and frustrating and adding more to the anxiety. I’d just like help from my mental health team right now.

Then there is the world as a whole that seems to be going back to a state of normality, for want of a better word. I’m terrified. I’m sure I’m going to be the link that makes people sick. I’m trying all I can to stop that. I know I need to see people or go out but currently the most I feel comfortable with is walking the dog and avoiding people still. Social skills are depleting and communicating with friends feels tough. I’m trying but I know its too much.

Finally all of this makes me feel trapped. I can’t even end my life which has always been the option I have in my back pocket. Now I feel that I’m stuck in this perpetual feeling of awfulness forever and a day.

Sorry for my negativity. I’m just struggling.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Test Results

This is my view of dealing with cancer as a family member of someone with cancer who has their own mental illness as well.

Recently mum had to go for a CT scan to check how the chemotherapy was effecting the cancer and whether it was making any difference. It was a difficult time for many reasons and effected the mental health of us all as a family.

With the scan coming round it made us all start to think of where things were heading. I know personally I started to wonder whether we were going to be told that it was all pointless and things were progressing faster and just incredibly negative. I also know my mum had these thoughts as she revealed this to me after we’d gone through the results.

We were lucky though. The chemo has shrunk the tumours on mum’s liver which is a good sign. It could give her more time. She has two more lots to have and then will have a three month break before more scans and more plans are made.

Now for the awful part of me. I admit I was having an awful day and was exhausted so it just felt a prolonging of the inevitable and would it just get harder for longer. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to lose my mum. But this whole situation feels so hard. I feel so alone with it. I realise I’m being extremely selfish and I hate myself for these thoughts. They are not my main thoughts. They are just the thoughts of someone struggling, for a split second. The hatred I feel for myself is high.

I am glad the chemo is working for mum. I really am. I just feel we need more support or at least I do. Sorry.

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Remembering Chester

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Four years ago I was away for my mum’s birthday when I heard the news that Chester Bennington had taken his own life. It hit me and many others like a rock and it was the first time a high profile person’s death really made an impression on me.

However what really made an impression on me, surrounding the Linkin Park front man’s death, was the number of people calling him selfish. It really hurt and I think it was because I’d been the person trying to take my own life and these were people I knew and it made me think what they’d of said about me if I’d died.

The thing is I don’t think Chester was selfish. He probably thought he was doing the best thing for everyone. He probably thought the pain he felt was causing more pain for those around him. He knew he was loved but it was too much. (Obviously I’m guessing as I didn’t know him personally but I guess from knowing so many who have been in his shoes).

Chester touched so many with his music. Going back and listening to his music that’s been so relatable to me that it clicked the pain he felt. It reminded me that at the end of the day we are all human and feel the same things. We all deserve kindness and should pass that out too. We shouldn’t call people who die by suicide selfish. They were killed by an illness that effects the brain and corrupts the thinking. Would we call anyone else killed by an illness selfish? Just because it doesn’t require their own hand doesn’t make it different. They are not to blame. The illness is.

So today I’m remembering Chester and thanking him for his music. You’ve left a legacy and I’m so grateful for your time on earth. That is why I remember you now.

Thank you Chester!

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: “Think Positive”

This is my view of dealing with cancer as a family member of someone with the disease while I have a mental illness. Please take care when reading.

“Think Positive!”

This phrase has been banded about to me and my family since my mum’s cancer diagnosis. My mum’s friends have said it to her, some of my friends have said it to me and some of my dad’s friends have said it to him. We all hate the phrase!

I know the people saying this have the best intentions in the world but the reality is that it makes you feel like s***. Thinking positive when cancer is taking over your family life is not easy and actually really hard to deal with. It’s toxic. The number of times my mum has been in tears and feeling like she is weak because she is unable to think positive about the disease that is killing her is too numerous to mention. She beats herself up over it. And she’s not alone in the family.

I’ve heard the term think positive so many times in my life relating to different things, from my own illnesses to my parents’ illnesses to job applications to so much more. Rarely, if at all, has the phrase helped me. In fact it tends to do the same to me as it’s been doing too my mum. Sometimes you need to deal with the negative head on instead of trying to see the positive first. Thinking positive can block your view to the reality of the situation.

I know my family isn’t alone in this feeling either. I have spoken to a friend with cancer about this as well. She agrees it’s toxic and unhelpful. Surely with so many people feeling this way, it’s time to dump the phrase.

The thing is, it’s not always helpful to be constantly trying to think positive. Sometimes you need to deal with the negative feelings head on and express them. You shouldn’t have to feel you need to hide those feelings when you’re going through one of the worst experiences of your life just because you know someone will utter that phrase. Why should you hide the negative thoughts away? Bottling them up is dangerous.

While we keep telling people to talk about all these different things, from mental health to cancer, some people seem to have decided that you can only do this with a positive way of thinking, rather than a more realistic mix of feelings. Positive thoughts are probably in there too but we need to express the negative without judgement too. Sometimes the negative thoughts are the ones we need to work through the most, hence why you’re hearing them.

Finally, my mum will die from this cancer as it’s incurable. Her time is limited. If you want me to think positive about my mother’s death then that’s on you. There are many battles ahead and while positive thinking will be useful, tackling the negative situations will take it’s toll on how positive I can be. Telling us to think positive invalidates our struggles and makes for toxic positivity. Please think before you utter the phrase “think positive”.

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Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Telling People

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚.

Part of the whole cancer diagnosis and prognosis is the telling people all about it. It’s surprising some of the reactions that you get and the responses you feel as well. Some of the things that I’m going to write about are things that my mum has felt about telling people as well.

When it came to telling people about mum’s diagnosis, it was really hard. I didn’t want to cry on people. This meant I didn’t ring people with regard to the diagnosis. I rang one person when I told them about prognosis. I think with the diagnosis I blamed myself so much. I’d stopped self harming as part of the therapy I’d been having but for me, my thoughts made me feel I had to harm to stop people getting ill. Then mum got cancer. How could it not be my fault? I knew people would know I was evil.

Telling my best friend was the first person. She was amazing and the first thing she said before I’d even mentioned the above thoughts was “it’s not your fault”. She knows me very well and it was hard to see it. My belief in that statement wavers a lot still. My best friend has been an amazing support and checks in with me regularly. She’s not afraid to talk to me.

The reason I mentioned my best friend isn’t afraid to talk to me is that some people do seem to react after telling them by avoiding you or not asking the “how are you?” or “how is your mum?” questions. And I do understand this. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. But that doesn’t mean its easy to deal with. Both me and mum struggled with this. Mum said she felt like she had something ccontagious that people needed to avoid. I felt the feeling of abandonment. The whole BPD abandonment. And it added to the whole “people know it’s my fault and hate me” thoughts. This was so hard to deal with and still is.

Another reaction is people tell you of their experiences as either a family member or a person who has had cancer. This can be useful but it can be scary too. It’s not something I’d want to change though.

Overall telling people is an exhausting experience. And sometimes even working out what order to tell people in is an issue too as you don’t know who will tell others before you get there. I thought it would be easier telling people about cancer than about my mental illnesses as its not so taboo but I’ve found that not to be the case at all. People are still scared to discuss cancer.

If you have any tips or thoughts on telling people, feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Prognosis

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

This is my view as a family member of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, with particular relation to issues it causes to my longstanding mental illnesses.

Prognosis. What’s likely to happen? Are we looking at a time frame? Will treatment be a cure? Staging? Grading? All this suddenly comes up. Some of the things you don’t even realise until you’re in the middle of it. Like I didn’t realise there was a difference between the grading of a tumour and the stage of cancer. There is. (Grading looks at the speed and growth of the tumour, Staging looks at how much cancer there is and how much it has spread).

Prognosis was something that came into my mind straight away. I wanted to know if my mum would get better or did I have limited time with her. This was why there were many more tests required after diagnosis. We were pretty sure it had spread from a primary source to the liver and it was important to try and find the primary source. It was suspected to be in the stomach. The type of cancer my mum has (neuroendocrine) means the primary can be on one of many places and usually isn’t found until it has spread. As it was mum’s was an incidental finding during an operation.

To begin with we had a lot of confusion surrounding the prognosis. We were originally told it wasn’t curable but it was treatable. This sounded OK. Then we got the grading back and at first it was not the best outcome but a manageable one. Mum would have years. Within an hour we had another phonecall that changed that to it being more aggressive. Finally my mum asked for clarity on prognosis.

Eighteen months to two years life expectancy.

It was like a slap. We had never been led to believe this was the case at all. Mum just dissolved. Understandably. I just had to get out of the house (oh yes as it is covid times, her prognosis was given via a video appointment). I phoned my best friend and told her. Her response of “Shit” sums it up really. It was hard telling her. It was hard saying it out loud.

After a bit of tears, not many, I pulled it all in. I’ve buried it on the whole. I spoke briefly to the psychologist who did my last lot of therapy as I wasn’t sure about doing the group she wanted me to join. She told me to try and forget the time they had said and just go with it. After all it could be wrong. This I try to do but when you least expect it the words “eighteen months to two years” slap you in the face. I might not even get to 34 with my mum still here. My mum still has her mum at 63. It doesn’t feel fair. It’s unlikely she’ll see a grandchild.

I also feel a lot of guilt. We don’t always have the best relationship and I struggle with both ways of thinking.

The biggest thing that got me though was when I was stressing over all the chaos of cancer and someone said “it’ll get easier” and realising that it’ll only be easier, maybe, when she dies. Until then cancer will be there causing chaos. This has massively messed with my head. I’ve had nightmares. I’ve had panic attacks in the middle of the night. I cope by trying to just be practical and ignore it. But it gets to you in the end.

For more information and support about cancer check out Macmillan Cancer Support. You can keep up to date and share on my Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.