Monthly Archives: June 2019

6 Months From The End Of DBT

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering.

It’s been roughly six months since I finished my DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) skills group, therefore I thought I’d reflect on how things are going.

In all honesty I found the DBT skills group difficult. It revealed a lot more areas that I need to work on than I thought I did. I learnt a lot about myself and how BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) effects my life. It is a lot more than I thought. I think I thought some of the things I thought were normal, when actually it’s far from normal.

DBT gave me some ideas on how to cope with the self harm urges and things to do instead of self harming, as part of the distress tolerance module. While I’ve tried to practice these, I’ve not found them that effective. The urges don’t go away like I hoped. Instead I’ve found myself fixating on the idea of self harm and how much damage I could do. The only thing that seems to relieve this is to self harm. This isn’t a failure on DBT’s part, it’s mine. Although I do feel I would of benefitted from a revisit to the skills, I also feel I needed some individual help to go through the problems that lead me to self harm and someone who could help me find what’s effective for me.

I knew I always had problems identifying emotions. The most I could do was say whether it was a good or bad emotion. I used to use cues from others to put a name to the emotion. It was something I started working on in art therapy as a teenager as before that I could barely express how I was feeling. I think with DBT skills I learnt some more ways to identify my emotions and the 10 page handout on ways to decide which emotion it is you’re feeling was comprehensive. I just wish I had it in the form of an app on my phone as you can’t really carry a thick A4 handout around easily.

I also learnt through the emotional regulation module that emotions aren’t wrong to have. It’s something I’ve always said to others but never applied to myself. Anger has always been a tricky one for me to deal with. But I’m working on accepting it. I punish myself less for feeling angry though I do still struggle to express it outwardly. I think at the moment I’m not in a safe enough space to allow this expression so hopefully with time that will come.

The biggest learning curve for me came with the interpersonal relationships module. I thought this module would be a waste of my time. I thought I was doing OK. How wrong was I? I came to realise that I was allowing people to treat me like dirt and accepting it too easily. I learnt that there were ways to try and change this and that I didn’t have to accept it or just go into a rage over it. I must admit that most of my time doing this unit I was trying to figure out my relationships and which needed working on rather than the skills to tackle this. Over the last six months this has continued but I’ve lost my grasp on what skills to use. I feel I would maybe benefit from repeating this unit at a later date. I’m not ready at the moment still.

In the core mindfulness module of DBT skills I learnt a little about how to make myself be in the present moment. Before DBT skills group I had a tainted view of mindfulness as something I was no good at and would never master due to previous experiences in therapy. What I learnt was that for me I need to approach mindfulness in a different way and that there are many more ways to practice mindfulness than I had been taught before. For me, mindfulness wasn’t about sitting in silence breathing. I needed to do activities mindfully. This was a revelation but it was, and is, useful.

Overall I’m in two minds about whether DBT skills have been useful. I think there is potential for them to be useful in my life but I don’t feel the course was long enough for me personally. I also feel full DBT, which includes individual as well as group therapy, would have been more useful. I feel that one of my psychiatrists agreed with this also (he’s left now but it would of been good to have him on my side). I am also hoping to attend a DBT skills peer support group that is starting as part of my local Mind. Hopefully this may help a little with the gaps in my knowledge.

For more about my therapy you can click here or you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture is from Pinterest

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Shutting Out The World

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Things at the moment aren’t great. I’m not in the best place. My head is a mess and I’m not tolerating the world very well. Therefore I’ve been shutting it out.

I know this is not the best course of action but at the moment it’s what I can cope with. The world feels overwhelming. People feel overwhelming. Life feels overwhelming.

I don’t know what has caused this decline. I have theories. It could just be a depressive episode. It could be the disjointed care. It could be turning 30. It could be a number of individual things or all of them combined. I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Shutting out the world means avoiding Facebook interaction. It means not messaging friends. It means not asking for help. Instead I have replaced it with self harm and thinking of suicide. I have spent my time dwelling on the fact that everyone would be better if I was no longer here and have been on a mission to prove it to everyone.

I’ve also been experiencing physical symptoms. My body aches. My head is thumping. And I feel sick. I either sleep too little or too much. I either have no appetite or binge on food. It adds to the mental difficulties.

I hate myself for the way I’m coping. I hate myself for doing what I logically know is the wrong thing. I see it as protecting myself but realistically I need people and I need help. What help they can offer I don’t know. I guess I won’t if I don’t ask. The thing is I’m put off asking at the moment by the fact I have no stable care. I feel a burden to everyone, including those paid to care for me. I know I’m just another caseload that they could do without.

So what would my advice be for anyone else feeling this way? I guess it would be to do what feels like the hardest thing, ask for help. You deserve it. You are worth it. Now I just have to try and believe it for myself.

If you are struggling the Samaritans are available 24/7 in the UK. If you are outside the UK then please check out the crisis help page which can be accessed via the menu. To follow my experiences you can do so on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

BPD Awareness Month Round Up

May is BPD Awareness Month so throughout the month of May I shared facts and information about the illness on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. But I thought I would share them all on the blog as a round up.

1st May

This was my introductory post to announce that I would be sharing information about Borderline Personality Disorder.

2nd May

I thought it was important to share what BPD is and this seemed like a good explanation.

3rd May

Many people mix up BPD and Bipolar disorder. They are have similarities (mood switching, intensity of moods) but are two separate illnesses. For more info check out Mind’s website.

4th May

BPD can be diagnosed when at least 5 of 9 criteria are met (see image for the 9). There are many different combinations and each criteria is on a spectrum.

5th May

This was just to give people an overview of some yes’s and no’s.

6th May

A lot of people say BPD isn’t a real mental illness but it is. There are a lot of theories about what causes BPD, but this doesn’t make it less real.

7th May

A lot of people think that people with BPD are manipulative. We are not and this image explains why. All the people I know with BPD are awesome.

8th May

BPD is exhausting. Unstable moods are a major part of this illness and don’t just change daily but even from 1 minute to the next.

9th May

This further explains the extreme moods that we go through.

10th May

Just a letter many people with BPD would like to write.

11th May

A lot of people think that people with BPD are sensitive. In some ways we are but there are reasons for it. We notice every little thing and if something is wrong we blame ourselves and wait to be abandoned. This makes any kind of relationship hard.

12th May

Many people with BPD have their feelings invalidated because people can’t understand the extreme nature of our emotions. We know to you it may not be a big deal but saying we shouldn’t feel that way makes us feel worse.

13th May

We shouldn’t lie to people in general but lying to someone with BPD can be catastrophic. It can fuel all sorts of thoughts, generally against ourselves. We start doubting everything. Everyone feels unsafe.

14th May

Little things can cause a big reaction for people with BPD but we also know that people will not understand why we have reacted as we have so we tend to hide our feelings. This can result in using negative coping strategies such as self harm or eventually exploding at someone.

15th May

Self harm is one of the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. There are misconceptions about why people with BPD self harm but it is not to be manipulative or for attention generally.

16th May

Some people doubt the seriousness of BPD but it has a suicide rate of 10%. 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide.

17th May

This is my medication that I take in a month. Most of it is for my mental illness. There is no medication that is made for treatment of BPD but it can help us deal with some of the symptoms. Each day I take two antidepressants, one mood stabiliser and an antipsychotic. I also have a medication I can take when my anxiety is overwhelming.

18th May

This statement may sound a little reactive but it has some truth. People with BPD don’t only feel negative emotions strongly, we feel positive ones just as intensely. This means we may come across as quite intense in relationships. But we genuinely love you lots.

19th May

Anger can be a problem for those of us with #BPD. With the intensity of emotions, our anger can be an explosion of rage. It can burn for a long time even after the other person/situation is over it. It will play on our mind. We may do or say things we regret. Sometimes we will turn it inwards.

20th May

I hate this about myself. People with BPD do get jealous of friends hanging out with other friends but we do not do this because we feel you should only hang out with us. We actually feel we are not good enough for you and are scared you will leave us.

21st May

People with BPD are very aware that they are responsible for their actions. Maybe too aware as they are constantly judging their words and actions. But sometimes, and we are not using it as excuse more an explanation, our illness causes us to act in certain ways that are difficult to deal with for others and ourselves.

22nd May

Quite often people with BPD have trouble naming their emotions, which when you feel them so intensely and act out on them can be a problem in getting others to understand you. It is also frustrating as we wish we had the words for what we’re experiencing so we can get support.

23rd May

This is something that is currently hitting me quite hard as I turn 30 in just over a week. This isn’t exclusive to BPD as many people who have a mental illness but I just wanted to share what kind of impact BPD can have. It is a serious illness.

24th May

People with BPD struggle with their sense of self. Part of that is taking on things from other people and our sense of worth often comes from other people too. This means we do our best to be liked so we feel worth. We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and is part of why when we make a mistake we take it so hard.

25th May

People with BPD may struggle with a se se of self. In response to this they take on bits of other people depending on who they’re with. Therefore when they are without someone it can be a struggle to know who they are so they cling to people and may appear needy.

26th May

Living with BPD for me makes me feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. The world feels like something I can’t navigate while others seem to just get through. Little things are big. Relationships feel like a huge effort. Even simple socialising is a huge minefield waiting to explode in our faces so everything gets analysed.

27th May

It is a myth that people with BPD are all abusive. In fact we are quite likely to be the victims of abuse and get stuck in abusive situations as even when someone is toxic we are scared of being left by them.

28th May

I’ve talked about the struggles of BPD a lot because they are a huge part of the illness but these same traits can have some positivity. We are passionate and empathetic among other things.

29th May

Apparently BPD gets easier to deal with, with age. And in some ways I’ve seen this myself. My mood swings when I was younger were much stronger and I was more reactive. I think things have got easier in some ways because I’ve learnt about myself and ways to cope. I’m not saying it’s easy, and there are times when it really catches me by surprise but it can be manageable.

30th May

The main treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). The full course involves group and individual therapy. It focuses on dealing with the symptoms of BPD to make life easier. It is hard work.

31st May

I’ve shared a lot about BPD and the difficulties and differences it can make, but people with BPD are more than a mental illness although it can be hard to distinguish the lines. Please remember that the person who tells you about their diagnosis is the same person they were before they told you.

I hope this has been useful. For more information on BPD check out Mind website. You can keep up with me via Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.