Tag Archives: Warning Signs

Learning To Live With It

Please be aware that some of the content below may be triggering. There is discussion of suicide and self harm. I’m safe. This piece was originally written several days before publication. The content has not been edited.

Today I was told I need to learn to live with my suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life. It’s made me question a lot. It’s caused a number of emotions. I can’t lie that it hasn’t left me in a bad place.

I understand that living with an illness is something a lot of people have to do, physical or mental. I’ve always been fairly sure that mental illness will be part of my life continuously as well. So why has this hit me so hard? Why? I feel I should be OK. I’m not.

I think at the moment my mental health is particularly poor. Suicidal thoughts are there an awful lot of the time. Sometimes it’s continuous. Dealing with them seems near on impossible in a healthy way. Self harm is my go to. It’s far from ideal, though currently I’m not trying to stop the self harm (there are many reasons behind this). The idea of living with the thoughts forever just makes the feeling of wanting to die stronger. Why would I want to live like this?

But that wasn’t exactly what was said. It was that I need to learn to live with them and I guess I should think about what that means. Is it reducing their frequency? Or their intensity? Or the hold they have over me? Or does it mean I push them down and try to ignore them until I explode? (This last option seems like my current approach). I don’t know.

As some may know I’ve done DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) skills training. Not the full DBT programme as is suggested but the basics of the skills. I also go to a DBT peer support group which helps me apply the skills to my situation. It’s been helpful in some areas. But dealing with suicidal thoughts has not been one of them. The distress tolerance skills seem great, when I’m not in a crisis. I’ve tried them in crisis mode and it has not helped me de-escalate the situation. I know many people find them helpful to stop impulsive behaviours but I think that’s the problem for me: my attempts are very rarely impulsive and the desperate need to do something can linger at its height for a very long time with nothing seeming to bring it down. Believe me I have tried.

So I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve recently heard I’ve been put on a waiting list for individual therapy which I’m truly grateful for. Maybe it will help. But the thought it may not is there. I feel so guilty that it’s there. I know I am lucky I will get these 16 weeks at some point. But I’m terrified of failing and being in the same situation. A hopeless case.

That’s exactly how I feel. A hopeless case. Someone who will never improve and will be fighting forever more. Someone who, if they live, will be old and mad. The worst thing to be in this world when you need help. I can cope with the idea of being on medication for life, if I feel it will help me have a life. But the thought I’ll be suicidal forever is something I’m not sure I can live with. Why live when you want to die all the time?

I realise I’m probably overreacting (notice the probably, I’m not 100% about this at all). But in some ways it feels like a kick to just get it over with. To be gone. To stop being a constant burden to everyone. Because if I’m going to be suicidal forever isn’t that what I’ll be? (If you’re suicidal you are not a burden, it’s how I see myself).

At the moment I’m still processing this. It was said to me eleven hours ago. I don’t know how or what to feel. Apologies.

To keep in contact please feel free to use the comments or follow on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Self Harm: A Decision?

Please be aware this post will be discussing self harm so some content may be triggering.

There is a lot of thought about whether self harm is a decision or not. I know it’s a highly controversial topic and it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. As someone who self harms it can be a difficult thing to consider.

The definition of self harm is deliberately hurting yourself. This suggests that self harm is a choice but how much is that true? When we consider self harm as a symptom of a mental illness is it really a choice?

If you had an illness like cancer would you consider your symptoms your choice? Quite obviously the answer would be no. So is self harm any different? If you ask anyone with self harm about what happens when they need to harm most will say its an uncontrollable urge. It is something they feel forced to do. This is especially common as you go deeper down the self harm hole.

The urge to self harm, for many, is intense. It takes over. It’s hard to think clearly. The urge is made stronger by the fact that many who self harm have low self esteem and don’t feel deserving of care. Whatever has been a trigger will bring up all sorts of feelings that are hard to deal with. Everything can feel overwhelming. Sometimes we are not totally there, maybe dissociated. Then it’s not really a choice is it?

But in some ways it can be a choice. We decide to inflict the harm, don’t we? I honestly don’t know. This is where I’m hugely torn. And why I’m torn is based on how I see others and how I see myself. For others, and this is probably the most important part, I don’t think it is a true choice. There is a lot leading or pushing you in that direction. It is a symptom of an illness so is never a true choice. Then I look at myself and berate myself for choosing to hurt myself in the first place.

I don’t give myself a break on the decision making idea. I blame myself for self harming every time. I blame myself for making that “choice”. I see myself as truly being the reason I’m hurting myself. Even the name makes it seem like that. Especially when medical staff call it deliberate self harm.

And this is where the issue becomes more apparent. We are treated by medical staff, including in mental health teams, who see it as a choice rather than a symptom. Yes I may pick up the blade etc but there is something pushing me to that. I am unwell. My choices are not truly my own always. It’s not an excuse but an explanation. I’ve been told I’ve made the choice to hurt myself. This in a time when I was so distressed I couldn’t see any other choice. So surely it isn’t a true choice?

There is hope with this though and this is where it gets more into the dodgy area of being a choice. Learning through therapy of other ways to cope instead of self harming means we do start to have a choice between self harm or using our new coping methods. I start to see why they say its a choice. They’ve given us other options and we’ve gone for self harm. What they don’t seem to realise is we probably chose their new methods first but it takes time for them to be an effective choice for us. It’s all about time.

So these are just my views on self harm as a choice, I’d love to hear yours. Feel free to connect in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Shutting Down

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

I’m starting to shut myself down. I’m pushing away my emotions. I’m pushing away people. I’m pushing away the question about how I am. It’s easier than you think. I’m putting on the mask of coping. I’m filling up my days. I’m doing everything I should and more. I’m not asking for help. This feels like a safety mechanism.

If you met me in my teens I would appear a misfit. I didn’t like what others did. I didn’t have that special friend. I had people I hung out with but I felt different. But the one major thing was I never told people how I was. Not truly. I might say I was good or fine. I might pretend to like a boy or be excited to find out a piece of gossip. I wasn’t. My brain was occupied by other things. By an emptiness. By a feeling of not being normal. But I shut it all down for years telling no one how I felt.

After my second suicide attempt I was referred to a psychiatrist in the CAMHs young person service that existed at the time for those aged 16-25. She noticed how shut down I was. How expressing myself was hard. That I couldn’t identify feelings or explain what I felt. I was diagnosed with “emotional developmental delay”. To this day that’s all I know about it. It wasn’t explained. I was rushed to start art therapy. Its aim was to get me talking and communicating. It was to get me to explore feelings. It was to make me feel. Issues with social skills were identified and worked on. It was the most useful therapy for me.

The problem though was that, that outlet was ripped away. I only had my friend’s to express all these new feelings to, that I still didn’t fully understand. I splurged on people not understanding the social cues. I got needy. I feared people leaving. Relationships went haywire. Crying became the norm. Every feeling was now released and overwhelming. Welcome to the world of BPD.

I was in the opposite of what I was comfortable with. I tried to put it all back in the box they’d made me open but it didn’t want to go back in, like when you take a duvet out of a bag and it never wants to go back in the same space. The emotions were released and wild. They were in control not me anymore. I hated it.

This has gone on a long time now. The extreme emotions. And now I’m finding the strength to get that duvet back in the bag. I’m shutting down my emotions, firstly to others, and then hopefully to myself. Yes self harm is part of the deal but it feels necessary as professional help is starting to be withdrawn. As I feel people have got saturated by having me in their lives. I don’t want to feel anymore so they don’t have to feel me too. It may be unhealthy but it’s what I feel I’m being forced to do to cope.

How do you deal with emotions? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Control

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Control is the thing I crave most in my life. I’ve known it for a while but it’s taken a while to admit it. A lot of what I do is about trying to retain some control in a life that constantly feels out of control. It’s also about managing the feelings of being out of control. The problem is I’ve gone down what people would call negative routes to deal with this.

The reason I think I need the control is that so many people have taken away any control I should have had. People have taken away control of my body and my life. Little decisions don’t feel like mine to make. My life doesn’t feel like mine.

The things I use to feel in control include self harm and hair pulling. They are not the only things I have used or do use. These are just the most regular. Food has been something I’ve used to feel in control (I do not have an eating disorder nor been diagnosed with one, this was just a period of restriction). Alcohol was another thing until it took control of me. I also feel some of my suicide attempts have been an attempt to be in control of when my life ends among other reasons.

I also can see my need to be in control in other situations. When I sit in a room with others I try to be first in to choose a seat that I feel safe in. I’m constantly early. I plan things meticulously. If I’m creating things I find others input hard to deal with. Relinquishing control on things and allowing others in is hard. I’d much rather do things myself. It’s things I’m trying to work on.

So what are your tips to deal with the need for control? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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We Need To Talk About… Psychosis

Psychosis! What do you think it means? Does it mean schizophrenia? Does it mean being locked up? Does it mean there is no hope? These things are things I thought before I experienced psychosis and I know many still think this way. This is why we need to talk about psychosis.

So what is psychosis?

Psychosis is made up of many different symptoms. Some people will have many, some only one. They include:

  • Hallucinations (these may be visual, auditory, tactile or related to smell and taste)
  • Delusions (having strong beliefs not shared by others, for example, people are going to hurt you)

Does everyone with psychosis have schizophrenia?

It’s a common assumption that the only people that experience psychosis are those with schizophrenia. This simply isn’t the case. Many mental illnesses may cause a person to experience psychosis. These include bipolar, depression and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Psychosis can also be a result of physical illness or trauma.

Will someone with psychosis recover?

There is hope for those with psychosis. Many people will only have one episode of psychosis. Psychosis can also be managed with medication. There is a variety of antipsychotics. Of course as with any medication there can be side effects but these often are often outweighed by the benefits. It can also be a process of finding what works for you. Sometimes, when the psychosis is caused by trauma, psychosis can be helped by therapy.

What does someone with psychosis look like?

There is no specific way that someone who experiences psychosis looks. The term “psychotic look” which is often used to describe a way someone is looking is a work of fiction. Those with psychosis look like everyone else. The signs are more likely to be in their behaviour.

A last thought

People with psychosis experience extreme stigma. We are made out to be “crazy” and someone to be feared. In fact we are more likely to be a danger to ourselves or be at risk from others. It can be scary to see someone dealing with psychosis but remember they are probably scared too.

For more information about psychosis click here.

To share your experience feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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I Need It Out

Please be aware this post may contain content that is triggering. It includes talk of suicide and swearing. Please take care.

Currently listening to the voice being a constant negative monologue in my ear. It’s been pretty bad lately and the hours I’ve spent having to hear it are numerous. Today I just need it out and the thoughts that go along with it. It may not make much sense so apologies in advance.

(Italic = voice, bold = me)

You’re vile. Why would anyone want you?

I’m not. I don’t know.

You are vile. No one wants you. You’re a burden.

I know. I’m sorry.

You should die. Everyone wants you dead.

Leave me alone.

Why would anyone want you? You’re nothing.

Come on you should be dead. Why aren’t you dead?

But it’s not easy.

You should just do it. You’re weak. You’ve always been weak. That’s why no one likes you.

But they say they like me. They’re not liars.

They’re just being nice. They put up with you. They’re better than you. They have more worth than you. You’re nothing.

But…

You are nothing. You should be dead. Why can’t you just die? That’s what everyone wants. That’s what everyone needs.

Why?

Because you’re bad. You know you’re bad. You know how evil you are. You deserved everything that happened. You make people hurt you.

I know.

If you know why are you still here? Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

I can’t.

For fucks sake just do it. You’re weak and pathetic. No one wants you. They all wish you died. They’re just too nice to say it. Just do it.

I can’t.

This is why people hate you. Can’t you see how much you annoy everyone. Why do you even open your mouth? No one wants to hear it. No one cares. You just annoy everyone. They hate you.

But I’m trying to make things better.

All you do is hurt everyone. You should die. Why don’t you just die?

I’m not talking to you anymore. I don’t need you.

You should be grateful for me. I tell you the truth. They want you dead but are too nice to tell you. Don’t talk anymore. They don’t need you, you’ll see. You’ll see how much better they are without you. Then you can do it knowing its the right thing. You’re weak. Too weak. Dying would be the best thing for you. You just get in the way. You’re worthless and a waste of space. You should just die. If you’re not going to talk to me I’ll keep telling you everything. You should just die though. You’re a fuck up. Why can’t you see it?!

That’s just an extract of what seems to be pretty constant to me. Replying isn’t easy. I don’t often know what to say to it. I feel powerless most of the time. Distractions have not been helping lately but I am aware they help a lot of people. This isn’t really an advice post. More a me getting it out and hoping to feel less alone post. The voice is isolating. It can be hard to fight. It can be hard to ignore. But I’m trying.

Please don’t feel alone and feel free to connect via the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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I Want To Die

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. I have sought professional help.

I want to die. That is my overbearing thought at the moment. Its there when I wake up until I go to bed. My thoughts go to how I could do it. The voice tells me how much better for everyone it would be and how useless I am that I am still alive.

My body is something I’ve lost respect for again. I feel its failing me again. It’s not doing what it should. It’s a constant trigger at the moment. I hate that I can’t fully get the help I need with it because of what has happened in the past stopping me managing the tests I need. I hate that where I have tried to sort things they are not going to plan. Why should I care about something that has let me down in the past by reacting when I didn’t want it to react? I hate it. I want it gone.

The memories at the moment are overwhelming. I always try to push them down but sometimes they just rise again and again. I hate that they effect me when I know they shouldn’t. I should be over it all. I try and believe people that it’s not my fault but then the logical side kicks in and shows the evidence of why it is my fault. I know people are just trying to be kind to me but I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.

Stress at the moment is also high. Home life is hard. I feel that whatever I do isn’t good enough. Nothing I say is right. If I try to help I’m wrong. If I don’t I’m wrong. I feel guilty constantly and like I’m letting them down. I’m trying to help but it’s getting on top of me and I don’t know how to respond without upsetting people. Noone cares how it effects me. But then I know I’m not worth anything. I’m just a burden.

I feel guilty for asking for support. I feel I take too much. I don’t want to take away from other people but I fail at that. Again a lack of control makes this worse. I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of others. It’s not me. I don’t want to make them worry. I’m not worth worrying about. Therefore if I’m gone it would be for the best.

My life is pointless. I have no potential. I fail at everything. I try and then things get in the way. I suck. I’m a burden to those around me. Why would they want this useless mess in their lives? They are too kind to say otherwise but I know I shouldn’t be here as it would make their lives easier. They could focus on the important people who deserve help.

I should die. I need to die. I want to die.

If you are feeling suicidal the Samaritans are there to listen or if you are from another country you can find a list of crisis lines around the world in the menu. Feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to share your thoughts.

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