Tag Archives: Warning Signs

I Want To Die

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. I have sought professional help.

I want to die. That is my overbearing thought at the moment. Its there when I wake up until I go to bed. My thoughts go to how I could do it. The voice tells me how much better for everyone it would be and how useless I am that I am still alive.

My body is something I’ve lost respect for again. I feel its failing me again. It’s not doing what it should. It’s a constant trigger at the moment. I hate that I can’t fully get the help I need with it because of what has happened in the past stopping me managing the tests I need. I hate that where I have tried to sort things they are not going to plan. Why should I care about something that has let me down in the past by reacting when I didn’t want it to react? I hate it. I want it gone.

The memories at the moment are overwhelming. I always try to push them down but sometimes they just rise again and again. I hate that they effect me when I know they shouldn’t. I should be over it all. I try and believe people that it’s not my fault but then the logical side kicks in and shows the evidence of why it is my fault. I know people are just trying to be kind to me but I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.

Stress at the moment is also high. Home life is hard. I feel that whatever I do isn’t good enough. Nothing I say is right. If I try to help I’m wrong. If I don’t I’m wrong. I feel guilty constantly and like I’m letting them down. I’m trying to help but it’s getting on top of me and I don’t know how to respond without upsetting people. Noone cares how it effects me. But then I know I’m not worth anything. I’m just a burden.

I feel guilty for asking for support. I feel I take too much. I don’t want to take away from other people but I fail at that. Again a lack of control makes this worse. I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of others. It’s not me. I don’t want to make them worry. I’m not worth worrying about. Therefore if I’m gone it would be for the best.

My life is pointless. I have no potential. I fail at everything. I try and then things get in the way. I suck. I’m a burden to those around me. Why would they want this useless mess in their lives? They are too kind to say otherwise but I know I shouldn’t be here as it would make their lives easier. They could focus on the important people who deserve help.

I should die. I need to die. I want to die.

If you are feeling suicidal the Samaritans are there to listen or if you are from another country you can find a list of crisis lines around the world in the menu. Feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to share your thoughts.

Picture from Pinterest

My Suicide Experience

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. This post will mention suicide but no methods will be shared.

14 years ago today I tried to end my life for the first time. I was 15. I had already been showing signs of mental illness for a couple of years as I had begun self harming. This had been picked up by my head of year at school but nothing had been followed up and I had no support. My parents were not aware of any issues and would remain unaware for a further 5 years.

My first suicide attempt came about as a result of many different things that were happening at the time as well as my past. Everything was overwhelming and suicide felt like my only way out. The final straw came when someone I was at school with told me “why don’t you just kill yourself?”. It cemented my decision.

I was home alone when I tried to end my life. I felt isolated from everyone in my life and I couldn’t see a way of coping. I didn’t know that I was ill. Mental illness was nothing I had heard about before. It was definitely something that wasn’t talked about at school or at home. Also the safeguarding of children surrounding mental illness didn’t seem to be in place as at school when they had become aware of my difficulties with self harm nothing was reported. Could this of stopped my suicide attempt? Maybe.

Since my first attempt to take my own life, I have attempted to end my life many more times, but this first time stays with me more than others. It felt like the start of something that still plaques me until this day. On the anniversary of this day I have made further attempts to end my life. I have felt the dread around this date. It hits me every year. The consequences of my first attempt are far reaching.

If you are feeling suicidal then I know it is difficult to ask for help and I know it is not always forthcoming, even when you ask for it. But things have changed since my first attempt. There is more awareness and acceptance of mental health and mental illness. It is more acceptable to ask for help and discuss when you’re having problems. It’s not perfect but please know that you do not need to suffer alone. The Samaritans are available at all hours, every day in the UK and Ireland. If you are from another country then please look at the crisis contacts in the drop down menu at the top.

If you are concerned about someone who you think is suicidal please reach out to them. Let them know you are there and will support them. Also don’t be afraid to ask if they are suicidal. Asking the question will not put the idea in there head but may save a life.

Saturday Night

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some content may be triggering. I have since reached out for help.

When everyday you wish you were dead it is hard to see a way forward. It feels like nothing is worth doing. It is like noone cares about you. All you want is to stop this thing called life.

You sit and wish you were no longer here. Noone asks how you are. And even if they do you feel it is fake. You feel isolated. What’s the point in carrying on?

This is where I’m at. I no longer want to live and feel totally alone. I’m sitting in the dark on a Saturday night and nothing is tolerable. I don’t feel able to reach out. I feel unimportant. I feel needy. I feel hopeless.

I currently have very little support from my mental health team. I’ve had two care coordinators leave in the last two months. There is no replacement, just a name of an interim person who hasn’t bothered to contact me. My psychiatrist has left and I was seen by the consultant who wasn’t bothered about listening to me. This adds to the loneliness.

I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m hiding how I feel. Everyone has their own problems. I’m not important. I’m worthless. I’m a waste of space. I don’t want to go on. I’m tired of everything. What is the point?

If you feel suicidal there is support out there. In the UK the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day. For other countries see the crisis helplines page accessible via the menu.

To connect with me feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture is from Pinterest

Why I don’t blame social media

There has been a lot in the news about how social media has a negative effect on mental health and it has even been blamed for the suicide of a 14 year old girl (check out the story here). However I personally don’t feel that social media is being given a fair trial and is not to blame, at least not solely.

There are many other things that have helped cause the increase in mental illnesses among young people. These are things that seem to have been overlooked in place of blaming social media outright. Social media feels like a lazy excuse for the ever-growing problem of mental illness among young people.

One major reason for the increase in suicide rates among teenagers (for statistics look here) is that they are unable to access the mental health care they desperately need. Waiting times have increased for therapy, if teenagers even get as far as being referred for it in the first place. There seems to have been a shift in what children will be accepted for treatment by CAMHs (Child and Adolescent Mental Health services) meaning that many slip through the net. Why is this the case? Put simply it is a lack of funding for mental health services as a whole.

Having a lack of CAMHs services also means that children and young people are having to get worse before they are considered for care. This means they’re in a worst place to start with when early intervention could stop them reaching crisis point. This could shorten the length of time they need support or lower the intensity of the support they require as well as preventing serious self harm and suicide.

Another reason for the rise in the number of suicides among young people, in my opinion, is the school system and the constant criticism that it brings. Everyone says that things are easier for young people these days and that the education system is too easy. For someone going through the system and hearing this makes you feel like a failure especially if you are struggling. This isn’t helped by the pressure from teachers. This isn’t the fault of the teachers. They themselves are under huge pressure to get results and meet targets, so obviously the pressure gets passed on to the students.

I’m not saying here that social media has no part in the rising tide of suicides among young people. Obviously with cyber bullying there is not the escape from bullies that you would get in previous generations. It is constant. But blaming the images of self harm and suicide quotes on Instagram I feel is taking the blame too far. There must be something wrong before they see the images to make them go looking for these images. Also these images are available on the Internet via a Google search not just social media.

Social media also has some positive effects on mental health. There is a very supportive community on the different social media platforms. There is also advice and information about different mental illnesses available via social media. Also it can help those struggling feel less alone and can encourage them to talk and get help.

I know my views may be controversial but I felt I needed to share them and I would love to hear your thoughts either in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

Self Harm Awareness Day 2019: Q & A

Today, 1st March, is Self Harm Awareness Day. This awareness day is close to my heart as self harm is something that’s been part of my life for a long time. There is a lot that people assume about people who self harm and some of these misconceptions can be broken down on this awareness day. This year I decided to ask some friends, who don’t self harm, for their questions and I’d answer them. I’ve also added in a couple of frequently asked questions that hopefully will break down some of the misconceptions.

What are the best/worst things to say to someone who has self harmed?

The best things to say to someone who self harms is that you love them no matter what and that if they want to talk that you are there to listen. The worst thing to do is get angry and just tell them to stop. This will make them hide what they are doing more. For more things that are unhelpful you can see my blog post here.

How does self harm make someone feel?

This is a complex question and will probably be different for everyone who self harms. Quite often it can feel like a release at the point of harming. This however can develop into a feeling of guilt about succumbing to the urges. There can be many other feelings that come from self harming; anger at themselves, disappointment, and sadness. It often feels very confusing with so many emotions.

One emotion that doesn’t often get mentioned is joy and pride. This can happen when you self harm as you might be pleased with what you’ve done to begin with. This emotion doesn’t often last and it can lead to more self loathing as you know you shouldn’t feel this way about hurting yourself.

What triggers someone to self harm?

There are many things that can trigger someone. Triggers are very individual; what triggers one person may not trigger another, although a few may be pretty universal. Some major triggers can be arguments, images of self harm, stressful situations and past traumas. Sometimes though there can be nothing obvious as a trigger. It can just feel like a build up of emotions that you just need to get out.

What should I do if I suspect someone is self harming?

If you think someone is self harming it can be tricky to know what to say or do. It can however be as simple as saying to them “how are you?” and making them aware you’re there for them. Also asking the question “are you self harming?” is a good idea. It will not make the person start self harming but may help them open up and get the help they need.

Who usually self harms?

There is no usual person that self harms. There is a big misconception that it is something only young people do but that’s not true. I know of people who have been much older before they have self harmed for the first time. It can be anyone from any background that self harms.

What are signs someone is self harming?

There may not be any signs that someone is self harming. Contrary to popular belief most people who self harm do not do it for attention. Some signs that may be seen are covering certain areas of the body (e.g. Covering arms or legs in hot weather), unexplained injuries, being secretive or mood swings.

Thank you to those who gave me the questions, I hope I’ve answered them well enough. If you have any further questions about self harm feel free to ask in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

Suicide Warning Signs 

Please be trigger aware when reading this piece.

If you read my last blog post, you will know I recently tried to end my own life. This started me thinking about whether I had hidden any signs of what I was to do from others or if there had been warning signs that had been missed. So I looked up warning signs of suicide and was shocked at just how many I had shown. I thought maybe people hadn’t picked up on the signs because they just weren’t aware what to look out for. Therefore I thought I would write a post about the warning signs I showed and others to look out for.

1. Feeling like a burden to others – This is where I feel I showed a major red flag. It was my constant thought and phrase; “I’m a burden”. I even wrote a blog post about it here. I constantly felt like I was too much for those around me. I would (and still do) say things like “I put too much on you” or “I don’t want to burden you anymore”. It was clearly a sign of where my thinking was going.

2. Engaging in risky behaviours – This was more of a warning sign to mental health professionals who knew I was engaging in more risky self harm. I was honest with them about what I was doing and it maybe should of been a sign my mind was not in a good place.

3. A sense of hopelessness or no hope for the future – This was something I expressed a lot to friends and mental health professionals. I felt (and still do to an extent) like things were never going to improve, that everything I was going through was pointless. I could not see myself ever getting better and there was only one way out of this; my death.

4. Frequently talking about death – This leads on from the previous sign, in my case. I would often say things would be better if I was dead or that the only way forward was for me to die. I also had my songs picked out for my funeral.

5. Feeling worthless – This was something else I referred to a lot when talking to others. I felt like I had no worth at all. I would show very little respect for myself, believing that I had little or no worth. I would also, if someone treated me negatively, just accept the bad treatment as I felt it was all I deserved.

6. Social isolation or feeling alone – I have friends but in the weeks running up to the attempt I became a little more distant. I was still in contact with people but not as often or as much. Part of this was because I didn’t feel worthy but also I didn’t want to be a burden or make them aware of my plans.

7. A history of suicidal behaviour – I have a small history of making attempts on my life. This was taken into account by the psychiatrist I saw before my attempt and some provisions were put in place.

These were the main signs I showed but there are other signs that include: feeling trapped, alcohol and drug misuse, giving things away, feeling like you don’t belong, dramatic changes in mood or behaviour, possessing lethal means or aggressiveness and irritability.

If you notice someone is showing the warning signs, and it might not be all of them, then my advice is to talk to them and try to get them some help or support. The Samaritans are available 24 hours a day to give advice. Hopefully we can spread awareness of the signs and help to save a life.

Picture from Pinterest