Category Archives: BPD

Rock Bottom And Below

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Things feel rubbish. I’m struggling. Heading downwards yet again. I’m highly stressed at the moment which isn’t helping. Whoever said keeping busy is good for your mental health doesn’t have a mental illness. It makes me worse. And it doesn’t stop the thoughts or the voice. All the time I’m doing things I’m thinking about how useless I am or hearing the voice telling me to die or hurt myself.

The thought of socialising at the moment is just hard to contemplate. I don’t want to talk to people but at the same time I do. I guess its more I don’t want to talk about banal things and want to discuss what is going on. I don’t want to be selfish though.

I feel so alone with everything. There is no easy solution to what is going on and I know that frustrates people. I’m just being a burden. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want to be that person.

I’ve been crying a lot as well. I’m not a big crier but it has all been overwhelming and it has got to me. Self harm has been my coping mechanism. It’s not ideal but it makes me feel more in control and gives me some relief from what’s going on in my head (I’m not advocating self harm at all here, it’s just how things are for me at the moment).

I had a message from the DBT peer support group that I’m attending’s facilitator where I shared some of what I’m going through and she said she was proud of me. I keep listening to the message. I can’t believe it though. I don’t deserve people to be proud of me. I’ve done nothing to be proud of. In fact I feel I was such a pain to everyone there and so unfair to all of them. I hate myself.

The suicidal thoughts are also strong. I have no plans and I’m safe but my mind keeps going over how much better for everyone it would be if I was gone. People would be better off. I’m just a useless waste of space. Noone needs or wants me. What is the point of my existence? There isn’t one.

I’m really sorry for this negative post. This is my reality. It’s also the reality for many people battling mental illness. Rock bottom is a scary place to be.

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BPD Awareness Month Round Up

May is BPD Awareness Month so throughout the month of May I shared facts and information about the illness on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. But I thought I would share them all on the blog as a round up.

1st May

This was my introductory post to announce that I would be sharing information about Borderline Personality Disorder.

2nd May

I thought it was important to share what BPD is and this seemed like a good explanation.

3rd May

Many people mix up BPD and Bipolar disorder. They are have similarities (mood switching, intensity of moods) but are two separate illnesses. For more info check out Mind’s website.

4th May

BPD can be diagnosed when at least 5 of 9 criteria are met (see image for the 9). There are many different combinations and each criteria is on a spectrum.

5th May

This was just to give people an overview of some yes’s and no’s.

6th May

A lot of people say BPD isn’t a real mental illness but it is. There are a lot of theories about what causes BPD, but this doesn’t make it less real.

7th May

A lot of people think that people with BPD are manipulative. We are not and this image explains why. All the people I know with BPD are awesome.

8th May

BPD is exhausting. Unstable moods are a major part of this illness and don’t just change daily but even from 1 minute to the next.

9th May

This further explains the extreme moods that we go through.

10th May

Just a letter many people with BPD would like to write.

11th May

A lot of people think that people with BPD are sensitive. In some ways we are but there are reasons for it. We notice every little thing and if something is wrong we blame ourselves and wait to be abandoned. This makes any kind of relationship hard.

12th May

Many people with BPD have their feelings invalidated because people can’t understand the extreme nature of our emotions. We know to you it may not be a big deal but saying we shouldn’t feel that way makes us feel worse.

13th May

We shouldn’t lie to people in general but lying to someone with BPD can be catastrophic. It can fuel all sorts of thoughts, generally against ourselves. We start doubting everything. Everyone feels unsafe.

14th May

Little things can cause a big reaction for people with BPD but we also know that people will not understand why we have reacted as we have so we tend to hide our feelings. This can result in using negative coping strategies such as self harm or eventually exploding at someone.

15th May

Self harm is one of the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. There are misconceptions about why people with BPD self harm but it is not to be manipulative or for attention generally.

16th May

Some people doubt the seriousness of BPD but it has a suicide rate of 10%. 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide.

17th May

This is my medication that I take in a month. Most of it is for my mental illness. There is no medication that is made for treatment of BPD but it can help us deal with some of the symptoms. Each day I take two antidepressants, one mood stabiliser and an antipsychotic. I also have a medication I can take when my anxiety is overwhelming.

18th May

This statement may sound a little reactive but it has some truth. People with BPD don’t only feel negative emotions strongly, we feel positive ones just as intensely. This means we may come across as quite intense in relationships. But we genuinely love you lots.

19th May

Anger can be a problem for those of us with #BPD. With the intensity of emotions, our anger can be an explosion of rage. It can burn for a long time even after the other person/situation is over it. It will play on our mind. We may do or say things we regret. Sometimes we will turn it inwards.

20th May

I hate this about myself. People with BPD do get jealous of friends hanging out with other friends but we do not do this because we feel you should only hang out with us. We actually feel we are not good enough for you and are scared you will leave us.

21st May

People with BPD are very aware that they are responsible for their actions. Maybe too aware as they are constantly judging their words and actions. But sometimes, and we are not using it as excuse more an explanation, our illness causes us to act in certain ways that are difficult to deal with for others and ourselves.

22nd May

Quite often people with BPD have trouble naming their emotions, which when you feel them so intensely and act out on them can be a problem in getting others to understand you. It is also frustrating as we wish we had the words for what we’re experiencing so we can get support.

23rd May

This is something that is currently hitting me quite hard as I turn 30 in just over a week. This isn’t exclusive to BPD as many people who have a mental illness but I just wanted to share what kind of impact BPD can have. It is a serious illness.

24th May

People with BPD struggle with their sense of self. Part of that is taking on things from other people and our sense of worth often comes from other people too. This means we do our best to be liked so we feel worth. We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and is part of why when we make a mistake we take it so hard.

25th May

People with BPD may struggle with a se se of self. In response to this they take on bits of other people depending on who they’re with. Therefore when they are without someone it can be a struggle to know who they are so they cling to people and may appear needy.

26th May

Living with BPD for me makes me feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. The world feels like something I can’t navigate while others seem to just get through. Little things are big. Relationships feel like a huge effort. Even simple socialising is a huge minefield waiting to explode in our faces so everything gets analysed.

27th May

It is a myth that people with BPD are all abusive. In fact we are quite likely to be the victims of abuse and get stuck in abusive situations as even when someone is toxic we are scared of being left by them.

28th May

I’ve talked about the struggles of BPD a lot because they are a huge part of the illness but these same traits can have some positivity. We are passionate and empathetic among other things.

29th May

Apparently BPD gets easier to deal with, with age. And in some ways I’ve seen this myself. My mood swings when I was younger were much stronger and I was more reactive. I think things have got easier in some ways because I’ve learnt about myself and ways to cope. I’m not saying it’s easy, and there are times when it really catches me by surprise but it can be manageable.

30th May

The main treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). The full course involves group and individual therapy. It focuses on dealing with the symptoms of BPD to make life easier. It is hard work.

31st May

I’ve shared a lot about BPD and the difficulties and differences it can make, but people with BPD are more than a mental illness although it can be hard to distinguish the lines. Please remember that the person who tells you about their diagnosis is the same person they were before they told you.

I hope this has been useful. For more information on BPD check out Mind website. You can keep up with me via Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

BPD Q&A

There is a lot of misinformation out there about BPD and many people don’t have a good understanding of the illness. It can be very confusing, even for those of us who are dealing with the disorder. Therefore I thought I would answer some common(ish) questions. Obviously I only have my experiences to draw on but I hope it is still helpful.

What is BPD?

BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. It may also be known by the name EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. It is a mental illness classified in the DSM-V (the manual of all mental illnesses). There are a variety of symptoms including relationship difficulties, fear of abandonment, suicidal ideation, self harm, impulsive behaviour, lack of a sense of self and extreme emotions which switch rapidly. To be diagnosed with BPD you need to match five points of a criteria of nine. This means that everyone with BPD is unique as each criteria is also on a spectrum.

What causes BPD?

There are many different theories as to what causes BPD. It is widely agreed that trauma in childhood is a big cause but not everyone who has BPD experiences trauma. There has also been research into changes in brain structure and genetics. However nothing has been conclusive.

What does having BPD feel like?

Everyone with BPD is different so I can only talk about what BPD is like from my point of view. Personally it feels like I’m an alien in this world that seems to be out of my control. And the lack of control reaches even inside me. I also feel constantly scared that people won’t like me or will leave me. I also feel like everything is too much.

What treatment is there for BPD?

The main treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). This is a therapy that is mindfulness based and proper DBT consists of both group and individual therapy to learn skills to deal with distress, relationships and emotions. However it is not always available. People with BPD may also take medication though no medication is suggested for BPD. It can however help with symptoms and other illnesses that people with BPD are likely to have.

What is BPD rage?

BPD rage is the extreme anger that some people with BPD feel. Like all our emotions it is incredibly intense. It can also last a long time after the triggering event is over and when other people have forgotten about it. It also may seem disproportionate to the triggering event. Sometimes we turn the rage inwards and this can lead to self harm and suicidal behaviour.

Can people with BPD get psychosis?

Yes. It is a lesser known symptom of BPD but it can happen. It is more common in times of stress but can be there long term too.

Is BPD serious?

Yes there BPD is serious. It has a suicide rate of 10%. 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide. Self harm is common. Alcohol and substance abuse are also common. It effects everyday life.

Are people with BPD dangerous?

No people with BPD are not dangerous. In fact people with BPD are more likely to be victims of abuse than perpetrators. We are also more likely to hurt ourselves than other people.

So that is a few questions about BPD. I hope it helps with some understanding of the illness. For more information on BPD check out the Mind website. Feel free to share your experiences in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Please Stop Hating A BPD Diagnosis

I have seen a lot of tweets absolutely rubbishing the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) diagnosis. I’ve seen tweets saying the diagnosis isnt valid or that it is a misdiagnosis of another mental illness. This has upset me a lot as someone with a BPD diagnosis.

As someone with BPD, I recognise that it is not always an appropriate diagnosis. I know that some people are misdiagnosed. I know that it carries a lot of stigma. But it has value.

When your world is in turmoil and you find yourself dipping repeatedly into crisis and your relationships are unstable, when you don’t know who you are or what you really like because you pick up on other people’s mannerisms and likes, it feels awful. You feel like you are made wrong. You feel like you are weak. You hate yourself so much for not being “normal”. You are scared. Now imagine someone tells you there is a reason you feel this way and it’s not your fault. There is some feeling of relief and enlightenment. Maybe your life isn’t over just yet. Maybe your life can be worth living. That’s what it can be like getting a BPD diagnosis. I imagine it feels like that for any mental health diagnosis.

The problem with the BPD diagnosis is not the people with the diagnosis but the stigma that surrounds the name. It’s the interpretation that some people attribute to it that doesn’t help. Whatever you call it, it is the same illness with the same symptoms. It is a valid illness and those who deal with it everyday will still have to deal with it whether you take away that diagnosis or not. What you do though, if you take away the diagnosis, is isolate people who are suffering with these confusing symptoms. You take away the hope that they can get treatment and stop them accessing the peer support available in the BPD community. As with any mental illness, other people who are dealing with the same thing are a lifeline and show more understanding than anyone else. To take away the diagnosis, removes this opportunity for us.

So before you say our diagnosis is invalid or just a misdiagnosis, please take into account those of us who see it as an explanation for what we are pdealing with and as an opportunity to get treatment and support. (I know that there are some people who are misdiagnosed and for them yes it is appropriate to question the diagnosis but I am responding to a general statement about people with BPD just being misdiagnosed.)

A side note

I know some people will say a BPD diagnosis is unhelpful. I have written another post where I discuss why a BPD diagnosis is useful which you can find here.

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Angry Again

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering.

I’m angry. I can feel it pulsating below the surface. I want to explode. I want to hit out and destroy the world around me. I want to hurt everyone. I want to destroy myself.

I hate how anger makes me feel but it seems to take over my head. I push it down and down until I can hold it down no more. I feel it throughout my body. In my chest, my throat, my arms, everywhere.

Normally I turn the anger inwards. I self harm because it feels safer than releasing my anger into the world. It seems too dangerous. I don’t feel I can control it.

I have seen anger since I was small. To me it was always something dangerous because it caused people to hit out. It led to hurt and pain. It scared me. It made me decide I would never show my anger. I didn’t want to be like people around me. I didn’t want to hurt others.

Now I feel anger and the fear it causes as it wells up in me is overwhelming. Sometimes it escapes. Sometimes I don’t care because the anger is all encompassing and I can’t deal with it anymore. Then I lash out. I hate myself for doing that. I hate the person it makes me. I hate feeling out of control.

This are just some of my thoughts from when I was angry. I struggle to find ways to deal with my anger. To share your thoughts around this subject feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Why A BPD Diagnosis Can Be Helpful

Recently I have seen a lot of people rubbishing the BPD diagnosis and saying that it would be better if people were not given the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD or EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder)). I can see why this has been said because of the amount of stigma surrounding the diagnosis but for me I can see value still in the diagnosis of BPD.

Having a diagnosis of BPD is not easy and for me it took a long time to accept it. I was very anti the diagnosis to begin with and so I have seen this from both points of view. I hated it to begin with. I seriously thought the diagnosis was the end of the world. But now I can see some advantages to have the diagnosis written down.

One of the main advantages of having a diagnosis is that it opens doors to treatment and ways to make things easier. There is therapy that can help deal with the specific symptoms of BPD. It helps us to work on the areas where we most struggle.

Another advantage of the diagnosis is that it gives an explanation to our behaviour. It’s not an excuse, but it does help people understand why we may be acting the way we are. This is also useful to ourselves. We may wonder why we are struggling so much in a particular area and having a diagnosis can help us identify why.

Also an advantage of having a BPD diagnosis is that we can reach out to others who are living with the condition. It can make us feel understood and less of an outsider if we have others around us who are going through similar things. We can only find others if we know what we are looking for. Diagnosis gives us that.

A further advantage of a BPD diagnosis is that it can help us identify our strengths as well as our downfalls. It can make us see the good in ourselves if the positives are explained to us. There are many things that we excel at because of our diagnosis.

These are my ideas for why I’m not necessarily pleased I have the diagnosis but why I think it’s useful. If you have any ideas why you believe your diagnosis, particularly a BPD diagnosis, is useful feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest originally used by The Mighty

The Lesser Known Symptom Of BPD

As some of you may know there is a criteria of 9 symptoms which are considered when diagnosing BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)). To gain a diagnosis of BPD you need to meet at least 5 of the 9 criteria but each criteria can be met to different degrees. This means there are many different combinations of the criteria and therefore everyone who has the diagnosis is unique.

One of the lesser known criteria is hallucinations and psychosis in times of stress. This has been described below as mentioned on the NHS website.

“Brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real.” (NHS website)

This lesser known symptom of BPD can be devastating but it is often overlooked by others. Most people focus on the difficulty with relationships and self harm. These of course are very serious symptoms of BPD but so is psychosis.

Often when you tell someone you hear a voice people will assume you have schizophrenia but it can be a part of many different illnesses, BPD being one of them. It means that an already stigmatised diagnosis (BPD) is even more stigmatised. This can be from others with the same diagnosis as well as mental health professionals.

It took a long time for me to tell my mental health team about the voice I hear. I thought that they would write me off as crazy and didnt realise it was part of my BPD diagnosis. I wasn’t informed that it was a part of BPD until years later, as different mental health professionals didn’t inform me that it was.

In fact I came up against stigma from some. They didn’t seem to take my symptoms seriously and dismissed me to begin with because I knew that the voice was in my head. They made out that it wasn’t a big deal even though it was still distressing. It took some time to persuade them to give me treatment. In fact one professional told me that because the psychosis was part of BPD I would never be able to get help with it. This was untrue as my current psychiatrist believes it can be helped by medication and I just haven’t found the right one yet that doesn’t cause me side effects.

Of course not everyone who has a BPD diagnosis experiences psychosis but it is part of the criteria so many who have it will suffer. How many suffer in silence? I want to talk about this lesser known symptom and end the stigma.

Have you had an experience of psychosis because of BPD? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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