Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. I am safe and have people to reach out to.
At this moment in time I want to die more than anything in the world. Dealing with the emotions that have come up in the last 24 hours has been so painful. I want the pain to be gone. I want to be numb to the world. Alcohol and drugs have gone through my mind too. But lockdown is making all these options hard to pursue.
I haven’t felt pain like this in a long time. So long that it feels so totally foreign and overwhelming I don’t know what to do with myself. I have folders and books full of skills and I don’t know which to call on. I don’t know where to start. No one tells you that side do they? They don’t teach you how to find the right skill. They don’t tell you where to start when you don’t know where to start. It seems to rely on a clear head to think through what you need. At the moment I’m far from that position.
I feel like I’m going into crisis over and over again but without coming out of the previous one so it seems they are just adding up. Like a boat thrown against the rocks over and over in aa storm. I want to talk to people but I don’t want to be self indulgent or put them through going through the same events over and over again with nothing new they can say or do to make it right. Nothing can change the situation that has caused these feelings.
I want to empty my head of these thoughts. I want to feel nothing. I want to go back to ignorance. I wasn’t great before but this has pulled the little stability I was keeping hold of away as well. Or at least that’s how it seems.
Someone suggested I talk to a professional about the events. But there is no one I trust to do that. No one who I feel would make me feel better. But then I dont know if I can be made to feel better about this. What if its impossible? But could they make it worse? All these are questions that are adding to the hundreds of thoughts in my head.
Self harm is always my place of solice. It calms me. It makes things make sense. It’s not ideal and I would never suggest anyone tries it as a way to solve problems. In the long run it makes things worse. But the temporary release is what I’m seeking. Like I’d find in drugs or alcohol.
Self sabotage is high on my list. Self destruction. Ruining everything. I’m unworthy of anything good. I’m worthless.
I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel I have no right. I feel my feelings are invalid. I hate myself with a passion. There is always dislike and some form of hate for myself but this hatred is deeper. It’s gone to the core. I see no redemption.
I’m trying to push past this. I guess that’s why I’m writing. It probably makes very little sense. I just want to put it down and push it out in the world. If it’s out there maybe it will be a stepping stone away from my brain and give me the space to sort through everything. To gain back control. Lack of control is a major part of this I’m sure.
I’m sorry for writing this. I needed to. It may not stay up for long. I might leave it as part of my story. A bad night. A bad day. Maybe longer. Who knows?
This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading.
Guilt is something I feel a lot of. It is an emotion that quite often threatens to overwhelm me and often makes simple acts of self care hard. It is an emotion I think is quite common in people who have a mental illness. Here my plan is to explore some of the things that lead to my guilt.
I feel guilty for a number of reasons. One of which is that I am currently unable to work due to my mental illnesses. This is hard for me to deal with as I constantly feel like a burden to those around me. I have worked while I studied and for a few years after I qualified but now the impact of my mental health means this just isn’t an option currently. I hope it will change but I just can not support myself and the guilt is horrendous. It leads to, at times, a worsening of my mental health because I just feel so negatively about myself. Guilt has a huge impact on me.
Another reason I feel guilty is because I am currently using self harm to cope. I know how much this upsets people around me yet at the moment I can not see how I can function without it and this makes me feel incredibly guilty. I hate that I am upsetting people and letting them down. I am also a lot harder to deal with and this makes the guilty feelings sky rocket. Again I feel a burden to those around me.
I feel guilty for the care I require from a stretched NHS. At the moment I am having input from at least three mental health professionals as well as doctors for my physical health. I feel I am a drain on resources and unworthy of care. I feel guilty to the point it physically hurts.
All these things I feel guilty for are not my fault. Yet guilt prevails and quite often wins as the strongest emotion I feel. If anyone else said they felt guilty for these reasons I would tell them that they have no reason to feel guilty, that they are not a burden, that this is not their fault and they are worthy of care. But for me this feels impossible.
I have no tips on how to deal with this overwhelming feeling. All I can say is that if you feel guilt for similar reasons you have no reason too. But I know this won’t always help. I have friends who tell me the same, yet still guilt overtakes me. I think this is just something I will have to learn to battle. If you have any tips on conquering guilt please share them. And remember you are not alone.
I thought it would be useful for this site to have some useful websites as well as some of interest. For that reason this post will probably be updated and changed as and when I find some good sites.
The first site I have for you is the Facebook Page for this blog. www.facebook.com/MeandMyMentalHealthMatters This Page is for updates to the blog, along with some cool pictures and quotes and any interesting articles or pieces of news. If you like the Blog go and give us a like on Facebook.
Another useful website is www.mind.org.uk which is the website for the charity Mind. They do lots of good work in the UK, campaigning for different issues related to mental health. They also have a blog on their site, which I have contributed to in the past, and I know they welcome would be bloggers. Another reason this site is useful is that it has a mass of information on what you should expect from your mental health professionals and information about different disorders and treatments.
Time to Change is another useful site to take a gander at. http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ is a campaign to end the stigma surrounding mental health problems. They do a lot of good work and offer opportunities if you wish to get involved. They again have a blog so keep your eyes peeled for that.
This is a blog related to issues in mental health and my personal views on them as well as my own personal battles. My aim is to bring attention to some of the issues that are taking place in the world of mental health.
I am based in the UK and so most of my posts will be on issues and events here. If you are from abroad and looking at this then I hope you can gain something from my experiences.
So a bit of background about me. I’m currently diagnosed with Recurrent Depressive Disorder and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (formerly Borderline Personality Disorder). These are the latest diagnoses of a long list I have been labelled with over the years. I am a self harmer and have been since a teenager.
I will try to be honest and factual with this blog and I may refer to other sites in order to get my information. I also intend to be very trigger aware and I hope that if you wish to leave a comment you will be too.
I will post some blog entries that have been published by other organisation and if this is the case I will refer to this in the title.
I hope you find this blog fresh and useful. Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions.