This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading. I am safe and in contact with mental health services. This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I’m sharing it to give a true reflection of just how low I sometimes feel.
I feel suicidal again. I’ve lost count the number of times I have been down this road before. I nearly always have suicidal thoughts, which is distressing and difficult to live with, but feeling suicidal is stronger. This is when the thoughts take hold and my head starts making plans for my death.
I have spent hours in the last week laying awake, going through what I would do to end my life. How I would do it. Where I would do it. When I would do it. When feeling this bad these thoughts stop being distressing and become comforting. This may sound strange but having a plan in place makes me feel able to cope as I can see an end in sight. And at this moment in time, an end is what I feel I need.
There is a lot of truth in the saying “People who take their own life don’t want to die, they just want the pain to end.” Life feels painful at the moment. And right now that pain feels too much to bear. I want a way out that stops the pain. The only one I see is suicide. I know this sounds selfish.
I’m sure a lot of people will say “but what about the people you leave behind?” I promise I have thought about them and this isn’t a selfish act. In my mind their lives will be improved without me in it. I am a burden. All I feel I do is take from those around me. I don’t know how to stop being a burden without stopping my life altogether. If there was another way I would choose it.
Death scares me. I desperately want another way out but there is not one. I have been told I will always have my illnesses to some extent. This means there will always be difficulty on some level and I don’t know what level that will be. If its the same level as it currently is I know I can not cope with it. I am not strong enough and it is not fair on those around me to have to deal with it either.
I hate myself for being at this point again. For wanting out. For being weak. I just can’t cope anymore. I feel hopeless and like I don’t have a future. I am sorry. Life is tough.
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal you can contact The Samaritans any time.