Category Archives: suicide

If You’re Feeling Suicidal, This Is For You

If you’re reading this you are probably in a really difficult place. It’s one of the hardest feelings to deal with, but I have hope for you because you are reading this (don’t worry I’m not saying I can solve all your problems in a blog post, I know that’s unrealistic).

Great, you’re still reading, thank you. I know with how your feeling it can be hard to hear that things will improve. At the moment it probably feels impossible that anything can change. The world feels overwhelming. It feels like the only option is to end your life. But you are worth more. You are worth love and support.

I know you may not believe me and I understand that. I’ve been there. I still go there at times. But I believe you have value. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this. There is someone who would be lost without you.

Still reading? Awesome. Now let’s think about some things you might be able to do to help yourself in the immediate future. If you can try and do one of these things it might help put some distance between yourself and your thoughts:

Talk to someone: This is a huge step I know but it could be the most important thing you could do. It doesnt even have to be about how you are feeling, it could be about a TV show or anything that will help you distract for the time being. Of course if you can say how you’re feeling that would be great but I know it’s a big step. It doesn’t even have to be someone you know, you could call one of the crisis lines here.

Take a walk: Sometimes putting some distance between ourselves and where we are staying can be a good thing. If you feel you can keep yourself safe then a walk may help you to feel a bit better. If you can let someone know you’re going that can help you to make sure you are safe.

Do something you’re good at: There is something you are good at. It may be something creative, it may be some sport or it may just be a computer game. Whatever it is do it. It may help you to see you’re not worthless; you can achieve something.

Hopefully there is one thing there that you can do. Or you may think of something else that may help you distract from the thoughts that you are having.

If you’re still reading that’s great. You’ve achieved something just by getting this far. If I was with you I would give you a hug. I can’t take away your pain but please know someone cares; I care. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know you, I would not wish these feelings on anyone and want you to be safe. I’m sure there are others who care too.

This is where I leave you. But you are not alone. I hope I’ve helped in someway. If you want to get in contact feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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I Want To Die

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. I have sought professional help.

I want to die. That is my overbearing thought at the moment. Its there when I wake up until I go to bed. My thoughts go to how I could do it. The voice tells me how much better for everyone it would be and how useless I am that I am still alive.

My body is something I’ve lost respect for again. I feel its failing me again. It’s not doing what it should. It’s a constant trigger at the moment. I hate that I can’t fully get the help I need with it because of what has happened in the past stopping me managing the tests I need. I hate that where I have tried to sort things they are not going to plan. Why should I care about something that has let me down in the past by reacting when I didn’t want it to react? I hate it. I want it gone.

The memories at the moment are overwhelming. I always try to push them down but sometimes they just rise again and again. I hate that they effect me when I know they shouldn’t. I should be over it all. I try and believe people that it’s not my fault but then the logical side kicks in and shows the evidence of why it is my fault. I know people are just trying to be kind to me but I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.

Stress at the moment is also high. Home life is hard. I feel that whatever I do isn’t good enough. Nothing I say is right. If I try to help I’m wrong. If I don’t I’m wrong. I feel guilty constantly and like I’m letting them down. I’m trying to help but it’s getting on top of me and I don’t know how to respond without upsetting people. Noone cares how it effects me. But then I know I’m not worth anything. I’m just a burden.

I feel guilty for asking for support. I feel I take too much. I don’t want to take away from other people but I fail at that. Again a lack of control makes this worse. I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of others. It’s not me. I don’t want to make them worry. I’m not worth worrying about. Therefore if I’m gone it would be for the best.

My life is pointless. I have no potential. I fail at everything. I try and then things get in the way. I suck. I’m a burden to those around me. Why would they want this useless mess in their lives? They are too kind to say otherwise but I know I shouldn’t be here as it would make their lives easier. They could focus on the important people who deserve help.

I should die. I need to die. I want to die.

If you are feeling suicidal the Samaritans are there to listen or if you are from another country you can find a list of crisis lines around the world in the menu. Feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to share your thoughts.

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Things To Say To Someone Who Is Suicidal

When someone is suicidal it can be difficult to know what to say. You can be scared that something will make the person feel worse and even push them over the edge. However talking to someone who is suicidal is so important. It can make such a difference and can be so helpful. Below are a few things that may be helpful to say.

1. “I care if you’re here or not”

This simple phrase means a lot as when feeling suicidal it can feel like noone cares whether you are around or not. You feel useless and a burden and just think that it’s for the best of everyone if you are gone. Hearing that people care can hit deep and although it may be hard for us to believe it is still good to hear.

2. “You deserve love and support”

When you’re feeling suicidal you can feel like you deserve nothing but to be gone. You most likely don’t feel worthy of love and support so being reminded we are can be important. It may also help us to reach out further if we feel like maybe it is OK for us to ask for help.

3. “You are good at…”

When feeling suicidal it can be impossible to believe you are good at anything. Telling someone they are good at something and if possible providing evidence of how good they are at it can really help. They may not accept the compliment easily or at all but it will quite possibly stick in their mind when they are thinking the worst of themselves.

4. “I will stick by you”

Knowing we have someone by our side is really important. Feeling suicidal can feel really lonely. We may feel totally on our own. We also may feel that we are upsetting people by the way we feel and they might leave us. This can make us feel worse and like life is even less worth living. Knowing we do have someone offers hope.

5. “I don’t know what to say but I will listen”

It’s OK to say if you don’t know what to say and rather than pretending you do know it’s OK to say you don’t know. What is more important is that you are there to listen and support and that we know you’re there.

If you are trying to support someone who is feeling suicidal it is important that you take care of yourself as well. You are important too.

For more support you can contact the Samaritans or the crisis lines in the menu. Or you can contact a health professional.

If you have more ideas of things to say to someone who is feeling suicidal then please share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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My Suicide Experience

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. This post will mention suicide but no methods will be shared.

14 years ago today I tried to end my life for the first time. I was 15. I had already been showing signs of mental illness for a couple of years as I had begun self harming. This had been picked up by my head of year at school but nothing had been followed up and I had no support. My parents were not aware of any issues and would remain unaware for a further 5 years.

My first suicide attempt came about as a result of many different things that were happening at the time as well as my past. Everything was overwhelming and suicide felt like my only way out. The final straw came when someone I was at school with told me “why don’t you just kill yourself?”. It cemented my decision.

I was home alone when I tried to end my life. I felt isolated from everyone in my life and I couldn’t see a way of coping. I didn’t know that I was ill. Mental illness was nothing I had heard about before. It was definitely something that wasn’t talked about at school or at home. Also the safeguarding of children surrounding mental illness didn’t seem to be in place as at school when they had become aware of my difficulties with self harm nothing was reported. Could this of stopped my suicide attempt? Maybe.

Since my first attempt to take my own life, I have attempted to end my life many more times, but this first time stays with me more than others. It felt like the start of something that still plaques me until this day. On the anniversary of this day I have made further attempts to end my life. I have felt the dread around this date. It hits me every year. The consequences of my first attempt are far reaching.

If you are feeling suicidal then I know it is difficult to ask for help and I know it is not always forthcoming, even when you ask for it. But things have changed since my first attempt. There is more awareness and acceptance of mental health and mental illness. It is more acceptable to ask for help and discuss when you’re having problems. It’s not perfect but please know that you do not need to suffer alone. The Samaritans are available at all hours, every day in the UK and Ireland. If you are from another country then please look at the crisis contacts in the drop down menu at the top.

If you are concerned about someone who you think is suicidal please reach out to them. Let them know you are there and will support them. Also don’t be afraid to ask if they are suicidal. Asking the question will not put the idea in there head but may save a life.

Saturday Night

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some content may be triggering. I have since reached out for help.

When everyday you wish you were dead it is hard to see a way forward. It feels like nothing is worth doing. It is like noone cares about you. All you want is to stop this thing called life.

You sit and wish you were no longer here. Noone asks how you are. And even if they do you feel it is fake. You feel isolated. What’s the point in carrying on?

This is where I’m at. I no longer want to live and feel totally alone. I’m sitting in the dark on a Saturday night and nothing is tolerable. I don’t feel able to reach out. I feel unimportant. I feel needy. I feel hopeless.

I currently have very little support from my mental health team. I’ve had two care coordinators leave in the last two months. There is no replacement, just a name of an interim person who hasn’t bothered to contact me. My psychiatrist has left and I was seen by the consultant who wasn’t bothered about listening to me. This adds to the loneliness.

I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m hiding how I feel. Everyone has their own problems. I’m not important. I’m worthless. I’m a waste of space. I don’t want to go on. I’m tired of everything. What is the point?

If you feel suicidal there is support out there. In the UK the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day. For other countries see the crisis helplines page accessible via the menu.

To connect with me feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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What It Feels Like To Be Suicidal

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering.

I have spent a huge amount of time feeling suicidal. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve been making plans at all times but it has involved wishing I was dead and attempts at some points. It’s a complex feeling so I thought I’d try and explain what it is like to feel suicidal.

Feeling suicidal is exhausting. It is tiring fighting against a brain that wants to kill you. It takes a supreme amount of effort to get up in the morning and functioning at all is wearisome. Feeling suicidal leads to you wanting to hide away from people and it takes a huge amount of effort to keep seeing people.

You also often hear how suicide is selfish. This couldn’t be further from the truth. When I have been feeling suicidal I have spent hours going over and over in my mind about how people are better off without me. I spend time imagining how their lives will be improved without me in them. I go through thinking how hurting them in the short term will be worth it for the long term improvements in the future. Thinking of others is my major concern. I don’t want to be a burden to them anymore.

When feeling suicidal it can feel like your thoughts are crushing you. The weight of them is a burden that is hard to bear. The thoughts become intrusive and make it difficult to do normal things. The whole time you can be ruminating over why you should die or even how you could do it.

Suicidal thinking is tough. It is the most unnatural thought process. We are meant to strive to survive but instead our brains want us to die. It is far from easy. It is definitely not a sign of weakness.

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal there are people you can talk to. The Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a week or see the page of crisis numbers from the menu above.

If you have any thoughts you want to share then feel free to use the comments, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Dealing With A Suicide Attempt

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Just a week ago I made an attempt on my life. I was in a dark place and couldn’t see the light. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. I felt I was a burden to everyone; my parents, my friends, the state and NHS. I just didn’t want to have to deal with everything anymore.

This may sound selfish but most of what I was thinking was how people’s lives would improve without me in them. It was far from a selfish decision, although I can see it may seem that way to others.

After I realised that I was not going to die I felt disappointed and like a failure. Why couldn’t I even kill myself? Was I that useless? It felt that way. I felt I was too weak to even manage to die. And I was still that burden on everyone else. I was also scared about telling people what I had done. I didn’t want them to be angry. Anger scares me. It’s a lack of control.

As the days moved on I felt like a failure on different levels. For one I felt a failure for still being alive, for another I felt a failure for not being able to use the DBT skills I had been learning to any effect. I felt I had let everyone down.

I was most scared about telling the professionals involved in my care. I started off by meeting with my care coordinator and told her what had happened. I thought she would be disappointed in me but she wasn’t. She said that she understood I’d tried my hardest. I then had to bring it up in therapy. This was tough because it is a group and I didn’t want to appear like I was attention seeking. It made people upset that I’d tried but the psychologists in charge were really good and said I’d tried hard so I wasn’t a failure. Although this is still hard for me to believe even now.

So where am I at now, a week on? I still am struggling with feeling like a failure. I still feel I am a burden. And also I still feel like I should no longer be living. I also feel bad that I’m not regretting it, or at least I’m not regretting that I tried. This feels wrong as people always tell you that they regretted trying. But I think that may come with time. I don’t know though as my previous attempts I have never regretted them. Am I odd for feeling this way? Who knows? Maybe it’s more common than I think? Or am I just too broken? There’s a lot of questions going through my head now and it’s very confusing. Hopefully this will become more clear with time.

If you feel suicidal please talk to someone, the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

If you want to keep in contact with me you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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