“You Need To Love Yourself First” – Why It’s Not That Simple

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

You always here the expression “until you love yourself no one else will love you” and I hate this phrase because that means I’m forever unlovable. I need reassurance that people love me. I can’t love myself so I need it from outside. How can anyone who doesn’t love themselves see themselves as someone worthy of loving if no one can love them? It makes no sense.

Why should I love myself?

That question above is the hardest by far. For me I see nothing worthy of love. I look in the mirror and the hatred towards myself just increases. What am I missing? What can others see that I can’t? Or maybe they can’t see what I can? I see every fault. Every failure. Everything that has added to why people hurt me. Why would I want to love that? Why does anyone else either though?

But people tell me they do love me. They point out positives in me that I don’t see. They help me take positive steps. I don’t understand why they love me but I also know I love people who also don’t love themselves.

I love these others for the things I see in them. I love them as they deserve love not because they love themselves. I want them to know how much they are worth. How much good there is in them. If someone does already love themselves that’s great but it doesn’t make a difference to whether I love them or not.

I think a better phrase would be “if you can’t love yourself let others show you why you should be loved”. Not so snappy maybe but much more practical and meaningful.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not saying we should make sure we have people who love us so we can love ourselves. If you can love yourself without the input of others then that is great but for so many the reassurance of others is a great help in the process of loving themselves, that may take some time.

So yeah don’t tell people to love themselves first so that others will love them. It doesn’t matter which order it happens in. We’re all human and need to look out for each other. Love is not conditional on whether you love yourself. Love for you comes from how you treat others and your personality.

And just in case no one has said it: I love you all. You’ve got this.

2 thoughts on ““You Need To Love Yourself First” – Why It’s Not That Simple

  1. Aelise

    I used to get very frustrated by that quote… It even caused me to hate myself more.

    You’re absolutely right! – It doesn’t matter in which order loving takes place. As long as you ‘let it happen’ (which can also be very challenging). My hardest lesson was that the love I was trying to give the people around me – was actually the love I was craving myself.. How I wanted to be loved. That awareness has proven to be a good starting point. Because wanting yourself te be loved, (in my case) also meant I felt (subconsciously) I deserved it (even if it were for extremely brief/ moments)..

    What I’m trying to say is; please don’t completely dismiss the idea of being able to love yourself, dont be afraid to reflect and experiment. It’s very, very awkward – But that doesn’t mean it’s not right. You really do deserve it.


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