Tag Archives: anger

Ashamed

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Today I had a melt down. Not just a little one but a major, uncontrollable show of emotion. I was in the DBT peer support group that I’ve started attending and I got triggered and that was it. My mind started turning over everything. Memories came back with full force. The voice started. It was overwhelming. I started by sitting quietly with tears going down my face. We were doing an exercise and everyone was focused and I just couldn’t ask for help. Then someone noticed me. They asked if I was OK and I got asked if I wanted to take a moment. That’s when things just nose dived.

I practically ran out the room. I wanted to slam the door behind me but couldn’t do it. This infuriated me and I hit the wall and ran to the stairs. At that point I just sobbed and emotion overtook me. There were so much emotion that I have no idea what it was I was feeling. All I know is it was horrible. In that moment I wanted to die. Everything was so intense. It felt unmanageable. I felt nothing was going to be OK again.

Luckily the peer support facilitator followed me. She was amazing. She got down to my level. I think she grabbed my arms. It’s a little hazy. I can’t remember what she said. All I know is she got someone else to go in with the group and took me somewhere quiet.

When we got in the office I just wanted to curl up small and hurt myself. I hated my reaction as well as still feeling the heightened emotions. Also everything was still going through my head. I couldn’t look at her. I was so ashamed of myself for so many reasons. For my reaction. For my feelings. For the thoughts of what had happened in the past. For what the voice was telling me. I started to hit myself as I was asked to stop. I hadn’t even realised I was. Things were hazy. It was like being in two different places.

The facilitator started talking to me. The conversation is a little bit of a blur. But it started to calm me. She got me to focus on my breathing to bring me back to the moment. She then had to leave me to go back to the group but someone else sat with me. They talked to me about nothing in particular but it helped. I started to be able to respond and the tears seemed to stop. The intensity of the emotions slowly eased.

When the facilitator came back we decided to have another talk. I opened up about a lot of things from my past. It all kind of blurted out. There were things I had never really spoken about. It just felt, well not easy but, OK to talk about. I felt listened to. I felt understood. I felt I mattered. But this was also contradicted by other feelings of shame (of what had happened in the past and of needing to ask for help), of being selfish, of guilt. I hated myself. As much as I was told it was OK I couldn’t believe it. I was (and am) an awful person. I couldn’t stop apologising.

Eventually I left, apologising as I went and promising to email her and contact my care coordinator. I decided to text my friend. She was the only one I wanted. I explained to some extent what had happened and she was concerned about me. Immediately guilt started to escalate again. But I kept talking (still apologising). She kept me calm. She was great. I’m so grateful for her. I’m so grateful for the facilitator too.

When I got home I got into trouble for being home late. It started as soon as I walked in. Immediately all the negative emotions started to rise again. I tried to explain I had a melt down and the questions started. They were things I found difficult to discuss but they wouldn’t leave it alone. Even when out walking with mum she brought it up and told me I just need to get over it. Maybe she is right but it added to how bad I’m feeling. Shame came forward again.

Since then things have been hard. My mind has been going over things. The voice has played its role. I’m trying hard to stay afloat. But its tough. I hate myself.

If you have any suggestions on dealing with shame feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Murder Not Mental Illness

I wouldn’t normally comment on things that happen in America as it is not my country. But this is an issue that comes up again and again with regards to mass shootings in America. The common rhetoric is to claim the perpetrator is mentally ill. Now it is possible that they do have a mental illness but for the number of mass shootings that happen each year in America, that is a lot of mentally ill people with access to guns.

The truth is that these mass shootings are murder. Even terrorism. Often racism is at the core. This isn’t mental illness. Racism isn’t a mental illness. It’s a societal issue. Also America is not the only place where people are mentally ill, yet the number of mass shootings that occur there is disproportionately high. Surely this points to a deeper issue (*coughs* gun laws).

Here is the reality. People with a mental illness are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. I only have access to British statistics but this paragraph from Time to Change’s website shows the rate of murder caused by someone acting as part of their mental illness:

“According to the British Crime Survey, almost half (47 per cent) of the victims of violent crimes believed that their offender was under the influence of alcohol and about 17 per cent believed that the offender was under the influence of drugs. Another survey suggested that about 30 per cent of victims believed that the offender attacked them because they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In contrast, only 1 per cent of victims believed that the violent incident happened because the offender had a mental illness.” Time to Change (Accessed August 2019).

It shows that while mental illness can cause someone to become violent, the chances are you’re more likely to be killed by someone drinking or on drugs. Yet this is never given as a possible explanation to those carrying out mass shootings. They also forget to mention that those with a mental illness are more of a risk to themselves than others.

It’s too easy to blame mental illness. To take something that people already fear and stigmatise against and use it to “explain” something so scary. People don’t want to think that someone who is a neurotypical person can be capable of causing so much death and destruction. But that is the case. Their brain may have been warped but it is not by mental illness, it is by racist ideologies (most of the time).

I know there will be many who won’t accept that mental illness is not to blame in the majority of cases. The thing is, even if a person is mentally ill, there are many other things that contribute to these situations. You need to look at your treatment of those with mental illnesses. You need to look at the ease of access to guns. It is not simply “this person was mentally ill and so there was nothing we could do”. Even when a person with a mental illness is violent, there are things that can be done to reduce this risk as there are often signs that this may happen.

So there we have it. Think before you say that a perpetrator is/was mentally ill. You are adding to the stigma. Maybe think what could be changed to prevent this ever happening again. What could of prevented it. What was the real motive. It is more than likely much deeper than “they were mentally ill”. Think. Yes, I’m looking at you Mr. President.

If you have any thoughts feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Shutting Out The World

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Things at the moment aren’t great. I’m not in the best place. My head is a mess and I’m not tolerating the world very well. Therefore I’ve been shutting it out.

I know this is not the best course of action but at the moment it’s what I can cope with. The world feels overwhelming. People feel overwhelming. Life feels overwhelming.

I don’t know what has caused this decline. I have theories. It could just be a depressive episode. It could be the disjointed care. It could be turning 30. It could be a number of individual things or all of them combined. I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Shutting out the world means avoiding Facebook interaction. It means not messaging friends. It means not asking for help. Instead I have replaced it with self harm and thinking of suicide. I have spent my time dwelling on the fact that everyone would be better if I was no longer here and have been on a mission to prove it to everyone.

I’ve also been experiencing physical symptoms. My body aches. My head is thumping. And I feel sick. I either sleep too little or too much. I either have no appetite or binge on food. It adds to the mental difficulties.

I hate myself for the way I’m coping. I hate myself for doing what I logically know is the wrong thing. I see it as protecting myself but realistically I need people and I need help. What help they can offer I don’t know. I guess I won’t if I don’t ask. The thing is I’m put off asking at the moment by the fact I have no stable care. I feel a burden to everyone, including those paid to care for me. I know I’m just another caseload that they could do without.

So what would my advice be for anyone else feeling this way? I guess it would be to do what feels like the hardest thing, ask for help. You deserve it. You are worth it. Now I just have to try and believe it for myself.

If you are struggling the Samaritans are available 24/7 in the UK. If you are outside the UK then please check out the crisis help page which can be accessed via the menu. To follow my experiences you can do so on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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CMHT Fail

This was not the post I planned on sharing today but I needed to get this out.

Today I had a psychiatrist appointment. It was with a new psychiatrist and my latest care coordinator. Except it wasn’t. While in the waiting area I received a phone call telling me my care coordinator had left on Friday and trying to arrange an appointment with my interim care coordinator. When I told her I was waiting for my appointment that was already running ten minutes late they rushed down. Remember they don’t even know me.

In the appointment the psychiatrist had no access to my notes as he had been blocked from the system. Thanks to the interim care coordinator he was able to access the last letter but couldnt read in detail.

He asked me how I was and when I mentioned my mood was low a lot and unstable, he asked more questions about my concentration, appetite, memory and sleep. He asked me to rate my mood which I put at two at best. I mentioned I was having suicidal thoughts and that the voice I hear is worse. He said I didn’t have plans to end my life, he actually didn’t ask.

The psychiatrist then wanted to refer me to a service that has refused to take me on. When I explained this he said he understood and offered no alternative. He did not want to change my medication despite my obvious deterioration. I managed to persuade him to up my mood stabiliser but he did it by the smallest margin possible.

I tried to bring up some other concerns but by that point he was already wrapping up the consultation and urging me out the door with the words “I’ll see you in two months”.

Everything felt like it was too much effort for them. This is from a trust that is rated as outstanding. A trust that can’t seem to retain staff or offer support. It is currently a postcode lottery within this Trust as to what treatment you can access (I am aware that this is actually down to the CCG).

When did continuity of care in mental health services become unimportant? Especially with people with BPD where fear of abandonment is a major symptom. When did it become acceptable not to fully risk assess people?

Unfortunately this seems to be the way it goes for many service users of mental health services. It isn’t often I cry in an appointment and straight after in the street but today’s fiasco made me feel awful and worthless. (Thanks to the psychiatrist who actually sked if I felt worthless).

To keep up to date with my mental health experience, follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram or use these and the comments to share your experiences.

An Open Letter To Instagram

Dear Instagram

I have recently been made aware that you are hiding the recent posts with mental health hashtags. I feel this is totally unacceptable on many levels.

I understand that you have done this in the name of safety, but in actual fact you are making things a lot less safe for those with these conditions. Social media by its nature is made to connect people and by eliminating these hashtags you are removing people’s ability to connect with others who have the same condition or who are going through the same thing. This creates a feeling that people are alone in their struggles and can’t see how other people deal with the condition. This could lead to more feelings of suicide and self harm as they try to cope alone.

Another issue I have with you removing these hashtags is that you are eliminating the chance of people sharing positivity among the mental health community. Many people who use these hashtags share uplifting quotes, ways they cope and general support and awareness. By stopping this you are leaving people with the negativity of the illnesses they endure.

Furthermore on researching this I found that it was still possible to use hashtags for physical illnesses. This shows blatant stigma towards those of us with a mental illness. Yes, mental illness sees people who have a symptom of suicidal ideation, but this can also be caused by people experiencing a physical illness. Mental health is important and equal to physical health.

If you want a truly safe community then your aim should be to moderate posts better rather than a blanket bam on mental health hashtags. Yes there may be individual posts that are damaging to those in a vulnerable state but your aim should be to target these posts and leave the useful and positive posts attached to the hashtag. This could help those who are unwell.

I hope you take this on board. You can contact me via the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Angry Again

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering.

I’m angry. I can feel it pulsating below the surface. I want to explode. I want to hit out and destroy the world around me. I want to hurt everyone. I want to destroy myself.

I hate how anger makes me feel but it seems to take over my head. I push it down and down until I can hold it down no more. I feel it throughout my body. In my chest, my throat, my arms, everywhere.

Normally I turn the anger inwards. I self harm because it feels safer than releasing my anger into the world. It seems too dangerous. I don’t feel I can control it.

I have seen anger since I was small. To me it was always something dangerous because it caused people to hit out. It led to hurt and pain. It scared me. It made me decide I would never show my anger. I didn’t want to be like people around me. I didn’t want to hurt others.

Now I feel anger and the fear it causes as it wells up in me is overwhelming. Sometimes it escapes. Sometimes I don’t care because the anger is all encompassing and I can’t deal with it anymore. Then I lash out. I hate myself for doing that. I hate the person it makes me. I hate feeling out of control.

This are just some of my thoughts from when I was angry. I struggle to find ways to deal with my anger. To share your thoughts around this subject feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Anger and Mental Illness

This is a personal piece about my relationship with anger. Please be trigger aware when reading this post.

Today I have felt so angry. I’ve internalised it so much. Tried hard not to express it. I don’t want to lash out; to hurt somebody who unknowingly made it worse. I have tried hard not to let it take over; to not let it force me into actions that I know I’ll later regret. But it has been so hard.

I hate anger! I hate how it makes me hateful towards other people. It makes me ungrateful for what I’ve got; for how lucky I am. It makes me feel like a monster. For that reason I usually avoid people. I’m terrified I’ll say something hateful and push the people I care about away from me. I don’t want them to have to cope with my anger.

So why do I get so angry? The truth is I have no reasons behind my anger. Some days I wake up and feel hateful at the world. There is no reason why. This I find extremely frustrating which only fuels more bad feeling.

Another explanation for the volume of anger I feel is that it is a symptom of BPD. This means feeling angry is beyond my control. I get angry at anything and everything. This is something I have struggled to accept. Unexplained anger is a symptom I just cant get used to.

Anger to me is a dangerous emotion. It is a scary emotion and something beyond my control, which makes me feel worse about it.

How do I control and cope with my anger? This is a question I am still struggling with. I used to turn my anger inwards and punish myself using self harm. This has had to change though. I find myself instead suppressing it until it explodes from me leaving a mess behind that I have to sort out. This is something I want to change so for the first time I am writing about my anger rather than bottling it up. This was suggested to me by a good friend and has helped me somewhat feel more normal. There are of course other ways you can try to express your anger; from sport to art.

I hope my writing has provided some insight into how anger can go hand in hand with mental illness and how it can be overcome. Thanks goes to my friend for suggesting I write. All credit for this piece goes to her. I hope if you are struggling with anger this has encouraged you to find a way to cope with it and shown that you are not alone.