Tag Archives: Broken

When Emotions Overwhelm

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Last week after a while of not feeling anything or pushing emotions down I was suddenly overwhelmed with them. It is an experience I know many people with a mental illness feel at times, especially those who have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I don’t understand my emotions most of the time. Identifying them is an extremely difficult thing for me. When they overwhelm me this is harder to do and harder to deal with as well. People will ask what’s wrong or what you’re feeling and not being able to explain it is so hard to deal with and seems to add something into the emotions that makes it all the worse. I feel I just want to be a “normal” person for a while.

Those with a BPD diagnosis find emotions are heightened. They are often described as being emotionally like third degree burns victims without an emotional skin. It’s like touching wounds when we feel emotions. The pain of them is strong and this can be felt physically in the body. And by god is it painful at the extremes. When most people would have a small emotional response, ours tends to be more intense or bigger. Therefore when a person without the diagnosis has an event that causes them extreme emotional pain, well for those who have a diagnosis of BPD it is just unbearable.

When the emotions overwhelmed me I just wanted to tear my skin off. I wanted to hurt myself to an extreme extent. I wanted to escape it all. Death felt like the best idea but I felt trapped as it wasn’t an option. This added to the distress. The hatred for myself is strong. It’s always strong but in that moment it was extreme. It was unbearable and I could not even work out what I was feeling.

This happens more often than people realise. A lot of the time I just hide away. My friends cope with a lot. I feel sorry for them. I hate what I do to them. They deserve better. I try my hardest to not inflict myself on them but in the moment it’s harder. This isn’t the healthiest way to cope.

I don’t have much advice for coping. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) offers some skills for dealing with distress. These include the TIPP skills and STOP skills that are detailed in the images below. However it can be hard to remember to do this when the emotions are so high. It’s like they are blinding. It could be useful to let someone close to you know about the skills so they can remind you of them.

If you have any other tips for coping with overwhelming emotions then feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Therapy 2021: Session 4

Date of session: 26/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Before this session I had homework to do. I left it until the last minute due to feeling ill and tired most of the time. I also knew it would be hard as it involved identifying emotions at some level. This is an area I find hard and frustrating. I also had to build a new safe place to use to do this. This I resented. I did it the night before.

At the start of the session, as always, I was asked how I’d been over the last week. I said about the pain and tiredness. She asked how I’d been doing with the self harm and I replied I still hadn’t self harmed since before Christmas. She was pleased with this. I am less so at this time. She also asked how my dissociation had been which I always find hard to answer as I’m not always aware when I’m dissociating. I explained a couple of things and she said it sounded more like acting mindlessly rather than dissociating. I’ll agree to disagree here but hey ho.

We then moved on to look at the new safe place I had created and went through all its sections and the different senses that related to it. I won’t discuss my safe place at this time as I’m not sure it is a wise thing right now. She was happy with the place I’d created and the use of senses. She then asked about emotions and feelings in the body. This is where I had difficulty and this made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed (anger and annoyance I can identify, though not always accurately in others). She now wants me to keep going through the safe place when I’m not stressed to see how it reduces feelings and calms me. Then move on to practicing it when I think of a mildly irritating scenario. At the moment I’m in a constant state of anxiety so we will see how we go.

After this she wanted to discuss next steps. She had, had her supervision meeting and discussed about doing further trauma work with me now I wasn’t self harming (a prerequisite I had been given). It was now decided it was still to unsafe to do the trauma work online due to my high score on the DES (Dissociative Experience Scale) as she wasn’t in the same room as me. I understand this to an extent but it feels like I have to somehow get better so I’m the right level of ill. I can’t be too ill, but I can’t be too well.

The above led me to having to make a decision. We could do another couple of sessions winding down and then leave it until face to face was an option or I can join a trauma information group in March for eight weeks and next weeks session would be my last individual session. I explained I would have to consider the timing of the session and how it would impact on my family as its a two hour course. I had some less than pleasant comments in response that left me incredibly upset, including “the group will go ahead with or without you” and “you’re lucky to be offered this so soon”. I don’t dispute how lucky I am, I just needed to consult others as I’m not the only person it will effect. She knows of the difficulties at home. I was told to just be assertive.

After the session I was in tears. I felt some of the comments were unfair. I had not turned it down flat, just explained that I wasn’t sure I could do it due to the issues in my family. But then I was an awful person. I feel now something that may be paranoia but also may not be, which is that this has all been to leave me without support and the world knowing how awful I am. I’m still not feeling great in regard to this. I have considered emailing the psychologist but I’m also scared too. It has triggered a lot of feelings of fear of abandonment.

I have managed to arrange that I will be able to attend the group of the offer is still open. We will see what happens next week.

Lockdown 3.0

This is not a post I thought I’d write. Actually more hoped I wouldn’t write. The UK is back in lockdown. Our 3rd. I won’t go into the politics of it, that’s been covered a lot.

With each lockdown there has been new challenges to get through. I’ve found my tolerance for other people has deteriorated dramatically. I’ve felt more and more alone each time. And my support system feels more and more depleted each time.

With regards to other people, they make me angry. Anger is an emotion I struggle to cope with so it’s an awful place to be in my head. I want to scream and shout at the selfish people who keep putting us back in this place of lockdown because they can’t do as they’re told. I want to shout at those who get too close not only because they shouldn’t, but also because it scares me. People scare me enough as it is. The pandemic and lockdown just add to this.

Loneliness is another aspect of lockdown that gets to me. I can message people but it still doesn’t feel enough. I live with people but sometimes that makes me feel lonelier as they don’t understand what I’m dealing with inside. I don’t like a lot of physical contact but there are some people I just want to hug. I miss them so much. The thing is I’m also finding myself getting anxious about talking to people. Zoom groups are feeling harder than ever and I feel so detached.

The reduction in support is also feeling more of an issue. My contact with mental health services has been depleted and I’m struggling. I feel like I have nowhere to turn at the moment and more things I use to keep me well ish are disappearing.

So yep lockdown 3.0 is set to be a challenge. I’m trying so hard. I’m looking at skills I can use from DBT to help me get through. I just need to get through it. The thing is I’m a paradox and the thought of “normal” scares me too.

To keep in contact please feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Lockdown 2.0

Here in England we are heading into our second lockdown across the country. While the first was not great, I’m finding the thought of this second one much harder to cope with. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

For the first lockdown I had lots of projects I set myself. I had a routine that suited me well. I even enjoyed my lockdown birthday. This time I feel so empty about it. The idea of finding projects to do feels overwhelming. This time I’m not in charge of my routine. This time I can’t keep everyone safe as those that I live with who were shielding no longer need to this time.

The thing is I’d been hoping for a second lockdown as I didn’t feel safe in the world as it was becoming. People were hugely selfish and disregarding the rules. In shops it was like people thought their mask made them invincible. I’m convinced many had stopped washing their hands. And noone could count to six.

So now the second lockdown is here I’m anxious. I’m living with someone who is terrified of being trapped in the house again and who’s mental health has suffered a lot. This has impacted on my own mental health detrimentally. I feel trapped with them. I feel I’m not strong enough to support them through it all again. The first time took its toll as it was.

It also doesn’t help that my own mental health is probably in a poor state anyway. I’m going through therapy and it’s hard. I’m cut off still from those I just want to hug. And have been for months. I’ve seen so many people deteriorate over this time period that I’m worried what it will do to them further. But I don’t feel strong enough to support them and feel guilty about this.

Overall I’m full of anxiety and doing my best to stick my head in the sand. I don’t want to read the news or the endless speculations. I don’t want to see the selfish people who are hoarding already or hear the complaints about what is being done to save lives. It’s overwhelming me with feelings I can’t identify but make me feel sick.

This lockdown is necessary. But it’s scary. I wish I could say we’re all in this together but some have shown us otherwise. I’d like to say I’m here for you all but that would be stretching myself too far. All I can say is there are numbers in the crisis contacts part of the blog (look in the menu). If you feel bad, talk. You are not alone. Big hugs to you all. Be kind πŸ’š

Therapy 2020: Session 8

Date of session: 21/10/2020

Please be aware that some content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Another difficult session. Each week I dread this 50 minute period of time. And it’s taking longer and longer each week to sort myself out. I know that this week, again, will take me time to deal with. Writing it out is the start of the process.

We started by discussing how I’d been the last week. I was honest and said I had been low in mood. I didn’t get far enough to mention the suicidal thoughts and melt down I had during the week. She asked if I knew why I felt low and we discussed some of what we had last week and challenging the thoughts.

We also looked at what other feelings I had been having and came up with guilt and anger. We worked through whether these matched the facts and whether they could be acted on. In some cases this wasn’t the case so the need was to act opposite. (Apparently when they ask what the opposite to acting by repairing for guilt, they do not want the answer destruction.).

We then explored the anger about aa certain situation in more detail and tried to separate my anger at the other person and my anger at myself. This was difficult to work through and some things that were said have upset me quite a lot and have me doubting myself more than ever. A friend who I discussed it with doesn’t agree with what was said about the situation and this has left me in utter confusion.

I’m hoping that I can get through all this. At the moment my head feels full to the point I can’t think about anything as nothing can move. There are people I desperately want to talk it through with but feel unable to do so. I feel more and more like a burden. I almost feel at this point that this therapy could kill me. We are halfway through the allocated number of sessions and I have no idea if in 8 weeks I’m going to be able to cope any better.

Therapy 2020: Session 3

Date of session: 16/09/2020

Please be aware some content may be triggering. This post will be discussing self harm. Though I will try to avoid discussing methods it may become apparent with other things mentioned. Please take care. πŸ’š

Today’s therapy session has left me feeling annoyed and frustrated. If I’m honest there is also a bit of resentment in there too I think. I feel like I’m repeating everything from my assessment and it has become obvious that this is because the psychologist has not read the background mentioned in the assessment. I understand I have to explain a little but when she said she had no awareness of my living situation or my issues at home this annoyed me. Why did I bother with the assessment? Surely it’s there to help them know something about me before it is discussed. Like I said I understand going through some things but the basics at least should be noted.

I also feel I’m getting no new methods to help me. Everything is a repeat of things I already know and understand. For example today when asked at the beginning I mentioned my issue with sleep. She then asked if I knew about and used sleep hygiene to which I responded that yes I did know about and use it. We then spent nearly fifteen minutes going through each item of sleep hygiene to find out I’m doing it all, which I’d already said, and that it was not something we should focus on. When a session is limited to 50ish minutes and there are a finite number of sessions this feels wasteful.

We also discussed my self harm. This was also documented in my assessment but seemed to be a revelation to her. We discussed the seriousness of the current level of self harm. We looked at how things could go wrong with the self harm I am doing and how even a slight mistake could end my life. In all honesty I think she was expecting this to bother me. It didn’t. With my current mood that would be a blessing. She asked me how important stopping was to me and the honest answer is that at this time it doesn’t bother me that I’m self harming. Then I think she wanted to make me bothered by telling me we would definitely not be doing trauma therapy with this level of self harm. I’m angry about this as the assessment knew all this and still recommended trauma therapy. Plus my psychiatrist believes without trauma therapy the things they want to be better for me to do it won’t get better without it.

With regard to the self harm we also discussed about the use of DBT skills to help, in particular distress tolerance skills. I was able to explain that I find this unhelpful as my self harm is not impulsive which is what these skills seem to be aimed at. I was grateful that the psychologist agreed with me on this matter. I’ve not had much support with this idea elsewhere.

Currently I’m feeling trapped in a cycle which I don’t know how I can get out of. I feel like noone is taking into account what needs to happen to move things on or it is not being discussed between professionals. It’s making me lose hope. It’s making me wonder if there is any point to anything. We shall see how it goes I guess.

Technology was an issue again today with us being cut off but I did receive a phone call after this.

I was lucky that straight after I was able to have cat cuddles to help me calm myself.

Therapy Fear

Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

On Wednesday I start a new lot of therapy. I’m terrified. I’m always nervous about starting therapy (this will be my fourth crack at it) but this time the fear is hitting me more. I think possibly because in the assessment I’ve been the most honest ever and laid everything on the table without holding back. This means that they have decided that the best therapy this time will be individual trauma focused therapy.

I don’t talk an awful lot about everything that’s happened to me on here. I choose not too for a number of reasons including that it’s all my fault. This was my major reason for pushing for this therapy. It’s even on my assessment. I want to clear it up once and for all. People tell me it’s not my fault, that it’s the people I’ve encountered along the way that have hurt me and that’s down to them. I’m not so sure so I want this therapy to see who is right. To make sense of everything.

But it’s going to be hard dealing with the past. To go back to events that hurt so badly. I’m terrified. I feel sick to my stomach. Bits are turning up in nightmares again already. Tactile flashbacks linger longer. The voice reminds me that it’s silly when I know it’s my fault already. But I need to be sure. People are too nice to me.

Something that is bothering me is that this therapy is going to be done via video link similar to zoom. I will be sitting in my bedroom going through this stuff (some of which happened there). It won’t be a safe, separate space. I know I’m lucky to get therapy at this time but this was why I was so reluctant to do it via video link. How can I separate it from my home space? I want to be able to leave at least some of it behind but I think this will make it harder. Maybe I’m being silly. I don’t know.

Something else that makes me fearful is how unwell mentally I became last time I did any therapy and not having the support network I had then to put crisis plans in to action. Therapy is by its nature very tough. It brings up a lot and I find that hard to cope with alone. Often it increases my level of self harm and my suicidal thoughts. Last time I did therapy my self harm escalated dramatically, I was under the crisis team at times, I had extra appointments with my care coordinator and I made a suicide attempt. The thought of not having the same level of support this time scares me. I no longer have a care coordinator who can intervene to make me safe. It’s pretty much down to me. And I’m not always reliable at looking after myself especially when it means I actually have to ask for help rather than its just noticed I’m going down hill. I also find crisis services difficult to access. I’m hoping things don’t get too bad.

Anyway that’s just a few thoughts on starting therapy. I’m sure I’m not alone being terrified with these things and if you’re starting therapy and feeling this way, you’re not alone either. You’re stronger than you realise. You deserve help and are worthy of it.

I will probably do updates on my social media channels which are available on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. If you have any advice feel free to share on these or in the comments.

Do They Talk To You?

This is a kind of poem I wrote a while ago. Please be aware the content may be triggering and looks at hearing voices and what they say to me.

Do they talk to you?
Are they in your head too?
Do they remind you?
Do they make sure?

I should be dead
They say it loud
Convince me
You don’t want me around.

Hurt yourself
That will make it right
End everything
Improve peoples lives

Shouting loud
Making themselves heard
Killing me
With the words

Die they say
I see their point
I screw up the world
I disappoint

Death is close
The end is near
Die you idiot
Forget the fear

My Saturday Night

Trigger warning: please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. There is discussion of self harm.

It’s Saturday night and I feel awful. Current time at writing is 22.53 and I’m laying in bed. I hate myself. That’s what I can identify. Pure hatred. I hate myself so much it hurts.

The evening involved trying to be positive. Or rather not admitting the negativity. I messaged some friends. I asked them how they were and they reciprocated. The thing is I just ignored the question. I diverted the conversation to discuss them or other things. And to be honest all I could say is I feel bad.

Emotions aren’t my strong point. Identifying them seems impossible and it’s bothering me more and more at the moment. I want to make people understand me and I can’t when I can’t understand me. The feeling is that I’m trapped alone. I’m trying to work on it but it feels scary and I feel like I should of done this as a little kid not as a 31 year old.

Since I’ve come to bed, I’ve self harmed. I tried a new area on top of the usual and felt a failure when I couldn’t do what I needed to achieve. My thoughts spiralled again and what I was trying to escape intensified. The hatred for myself at my failure is immense. I just wanted to destroy myself. Self destruction seemed a good option.

The voice is back as well. We’ll it’s never really left just subsided slightly. Not over the last few days or tonight. It’s telling me people hate me and want me dead. People are fed up of me and want me to die. I should do them all a favour.

So yeah that’s Saturday night. A night of mental illness taking over. A night where I hate my existence. And tomorrow will be another day the same. Waking up with blood on your hands will do that.

I’m sorry to anyone reading. Take care.

Picture from Pinterest

Losing People

Today has been tough. Several people have left my life to an extent. It might seem irrelevant to the loss others are feeling in these times but these have led to my mood dropping.

At the moment I wouldn’t really be seeing these people but they were people I was looking forward to seeing after this current crisis was over and today those hopes seem to of been crushed. The feeling of loss is overwhelming. I know this is intensified by the symptoms of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), where a fear of abandonment is strong and emotions are intense.

Hearing the news about these different people had an immediate effect on me mentally and physically. I felt sick to my stomach and my temperature rose. My chest felt tight. My mind started to race and try to work out what I could do with this situation. Could I rectify it? Could I stop the loss? What had I done wrong? Was this all my fault? Would it be better if I was dead? Yep suicide came up. Welcome to my mind.

Pulling myself back is easier these days than it used to be. Making myself take a step back is important. I have to make myself take another look at the situation and all the facts (DBT: check the facts). In this instance it is not my fault. It is the life situation of one person and it impacts on many. I’m not alone. I can make new links. I do not need to die.

The thing is I tell myself all this. But there is doubt still there. I still feel bereft. It seems ridiculous. These are not close relations. But it feels like I’ve lost everything. And it scares me for losing someone in my immediate family or close friends and how that will go. And this is where my brain spirals again and becomes overwhelmed. The physical symptoms reoccur. And I have to go back again. And again. And again. It’s exhausting.

I have no answer for how to deal with other than to keep check of the facts and what you can realistically do. If you have any more tips feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.