Tag Archives: staying at home

So It’s Been A Year…

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care ๐Ÿ’š

It’s been roughly a year since the UK went into a restricted state. We’ve been in and out of lockdown. Many things have never been back. Therefore I thought I’d reflect a little on the last year. Some things will be linked to mental health, others more general.

What I’ve Learnt

The whole situation has been a learning curve. I think everyone has learnt something about themselves and others as well as maybe other skills. Here are mine:

1. I need social contact

I’ve always found social contact difficult and overwhelming. I’ve always pushed myself to do things socially and I’m exhausted afterwards. But I’ve found I do need it. I have missed seeing people. Having the hugs. Being with my friends. Just hearing their voices (I struggle still with phone conversations). I can’t wait to meet them.

2. I need alone time

I’ve known this for a while but it has been confirmed with being stuck with the people I live with All! The! Time! I need quiet. I need to get away. It’s tiring being with other people. I think everyone needs alone time really, we all just differ on how much.

3. I can draw

Turns out I can draw. And actually practice does improve it.

4. Phone/video appointments aren’t a substitute for face to face

Obviously a lot of appointments changed to being either online or via phone. I’ve found these so hard. I feel like I can’t get things across as well as I do face to face (and I don’t feel I do that very well anyway). I feel people lose the ability to understand people as well when you take away the physicalness of being in the same room. Also technology has a habit of not working and making it all more stressful. (Although being able to have my cat with me during therapy was a positive).

5. You can’t make eye contact on Zoom

Someone pointed this out to me and its bugged me ever since because its true and no matter what I try I can’t change that. I hate eye contact most of the time but I also try really hard to make some as I know it’s expected. I should be happy therefore that I don’t have to make eye contact but instead it’s annoyed me. Yes, I’m a paradox.

What Scares Me

Along with learning many things, this whole situation has created many fears within me for the present and the future.

1. Fear people will get ill

I’ve always been scared of people in my life getting ill. It’s out of my control although I have gonw through many things that I believe have given me control. Logically it’s not true, mentally I feel to blame when people get sick. This was heightened once we really got into the reduction of social contact and lockdown (before that coronavirus didn’t bother me, odd I know). I was often in tears that something I had or hadn’t done was going to make those close to me ill. I was so strict with cleaning and washing hands, more than usual. I was terrified. I still am.

2. Going outside or into shops

I’ve always found being out and about anxiety inducing, especially on my own. I’m now able to walk the dog just me and him but otherwise I struggle. This has been heightened in these times even though I was forced to shop for my parents on my own. My anxiety was through the roof. Now the thought of going back in to shops without anyone or any restrictions in the future terrifies me.

3. The lack of restrictions

There will come a time when restrictions are gone. Yes it will be a positive in many ways but I don’t feel anywhere near ready for this to happen and I don’t think I will be for some time. Each time a restriction is eased I feel such a state of anxiety that I have panic attacks over it. The thought of things being “normal” is something I can’t comprehend yet.

Where am I at?

So overall I’m struggling mentally with everything. There is a lot of change currently and it’s left me unsettled. Large parts of lockdown have been a struggle but other parts have played into my comfort zones of hiding away from people. I’m very much a home body. People keep talking about holidays and that’s the last thing I want to do. Not going on holiday was a plus for me and now I have no excuse to stay home. I both want things to come back but others I want to stay as they are.

What are your thoughts on your current situation, wherever you are? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

The Return To Normal

In the UK we are starting to hear plans of how things are getting better and back to some kind of “normal”. This has brought up many feelings for myself and others. Here I thought I’d explore some of mine.

In all honesty the thought of going back to how things were before the pandemic and lockdown feels scary. I didn’t particularly like it then and I’ve become more of a home body now like I have done in the past. I don’t want to go out other than to walk the dog. I like being at home. I like being able to do the things I want to at home. I don’t want to go back in to shops that are crowded. I don’t want to have to go to places that I don’t know. I don’t want to socialise. I’ve become comfortable with this life.

I really want to keep the two metre rule in place. I feel its helped us to learn a little about personal space, something so many people weren’t good at before. I don’t want to feel people closing in around me. Part of this fear will also be because we’ve not been allowed to be near others so we’ve become hyper aware of avoiding people and it will be strange to go back to how it was before.

I also have quite liked the lack of expectations on me. I’ve not been expected to be sociable which I struggle with normally. I miss my friends massively, please don’t get me wrong, and I want to hug them but I’m terrified of the social interactions returning. I’m scared I’m not going to manage it at all. I’m scared I’m going to screw up all my friendships again, like I have in the past. I liked having a stress free birthday and Christmas.

Travelling is going to be hard as well. I struggled with public transport before the pandemic and I feel that any progress I was making has been torn away. I don’t feel I could use public transport for some time.

I’m also terrified of just the thought of people doing normal things. What if things aren’t as OK as it seems? What if people I love become ill still? I’m scared of losing people still. How do we know it’s OK?

So those are a few of my worries. I currently have to fight off the panic attacks linked to thoughts of things becoming “normal”. And will normal actually look the same as before? I’m not great with any change but this all feels so big. I’m scared and overwhelmed with it. I’m trying to just go by each reduction and not try to think too far ahead but it’s hard not to let things snowball in my mind.

I hope things will get easier for all of us. If you wish to share your thoughts on lockdown easing and any tips you think may be useful use the comments below or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Winter Self Care In Lockdown

I know we are quite a bit into winter but as I’m in the UK we all know winter is going to be here forever more (yes I’m exaggerating). So I thought I’d put some winter self care together and that which is appropriate for a lockdown.

1. A warm drink

Simple maybe? Maybe not. The thought of making a hot drink for some feels insurmountable when times are hard but if you can it may make you feel better. Even just an ordinary soft drink is good as well. I’m not one for hot drinks myself so understand if you don’t want one.

2. Snuggle in some blankets

If all you can do is keep yourself warm and comfortable it’s still self care. It’s nothing to feel guilty about, your comfort is important. Enjoy the blankets.

3. Watch something you’ve wanted to

Whether it’s a boxset binge or a film you’ve been meaning to watch, make the most of the cold weather and the instruction to stay indoors and watch it. Remember you can always pause something if you can’t concentrate for long. I often watch episodes or films in bits as I can’t keep my mind on things for long.

4. Something creative

If you feel up to it then what about something creative. Drawing, modelling, painting. I’m currently doing a painting by number that really helps me with my anxiety. Even a jigsaw or lego is creative. Do what you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be perfect or put on display.

5. Reading

I read quite a lot but I know it’s not always easy so there is the option of listening to an audio book if you feel that would work better.

6. Nap

Naps are amazing. Have no guilt in giving your body what it needs.

So those are a few ideas from me. Obviously there are lots of different things that you can do. Do what is good for you. Remember self care isn’t selfish. It’s something we all need.

Lockdown 3.0

This is not a post I thought I’d write. Actually more hoped I wouldn’t write. The UK is back in lockdown. Our 3rd. I won’t go into the politics of it, that’s been covered a lot.

With each lockdown there has been new challenges to get through. I’ve found my tolerance for other people has deteriorated dramatically. I’ve felt more and more alone each time. And my support system feels more and more depleted each time.

With regards to other people, they make me angry. Anger is an emotion I struggle to cope with so it’s an awful place to be in my head. I want to scream and shout at the selfish people who keep putting us back in this place of lockdown because they can’t do as they’re told. I want to shout at those who get too close not only because they shouldn’t, but also because it scares me. People scare me enough as it is. The pandemic and lockdown just add to this.

Loneliness is another aspect of lockdown that gets to me. I can message people but it still doesn’t feel enough. I live with people but sometimes that makes me feel lonelier as they don’t understand what I’m dealing with inside. I don’t like a lot of physical contact but there are some people I just want to hug. I miss them so much. The thing is I’m also finding myself getting anxious about talking to people. Zoom groups are feeling harder than ever and I feel so detached.

The reduction in support is also feeling more of an issue. My contact with mental health services has been depleted and I’m struggling. I feel like I have nowhere to turn at the moment and more things I use to keep me well ish are disappearing.

So yep lockdown 3.0 is set to be a challenge. I’m trying so hard. I’m looking at skills I can use from DBT to help me get through. I just need to get through it. The thing is I’m a paradox and the thought of “normal” scares me too.

To keep in contact please feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

What I’ve Learnt In 2020

2020 has been a hellish year for pretty much everyone. A global pandemic seems to make life difficult, who knew? But I’ve learnt a few things in 2020 and I thought I’d reflect on them.

1. I have amazing friends

OK, I’ve known this a while but it’s become even clearer this year how amazing they are. We’ve supported each other so much and I’ve known they are always there for me. I love them dearly.

2. Random acts of kindness are special

I’ve tried to do some random acts of kindness this year to cheer people up. I’ve also received some too. They have made me feel so special. They’ve brightened some of the darkest days.

3. Lockdown birthdays suit me

I loved having my birthday during lockdown. The lack of pressure to do anything was awesome. It’s the most relaxed and perfect birthday I’ve had. I want that every year please.

4. Validation is so important

Having someone agree about something I am experiencing has happened a couple of times this year, especially linked to my mental health. I had a psychiatrist who agreed with me about my depression getting worse and a psychologist who could see OCD behaviours and thoughts. The validation made me feel like I wasn’t just looking for the bad but that what I was feeling was real.

5. A smile can make your day

Here I’m not talking about just receiving a smile from someone but actually starting off the smiling. On my walks with my dog I have taken to smiling at the strangers I pass and have mostly been rewarded with smiles back. It brightens my day just a little and creates a little human contact that I can cope with.

6. You can’t make eye contact on zoom

This was something pointed out to me by my DBT peer support group’s facilitator. It is impossible to make eye contact as you are always looking at the wrong bit of the screen. Even if you both stare straight ahead it won’t work as you then can’t see the other person’s eyes. This is information I have imparted to many people since. They’ve all had their minds blown. So thanks Sally for that info.

7. I do actually need physical contact

I’ve never thought of myself as someone who needs physical contact before but hugs from friends are something I’ve really missed. Being in their presence, even, is something I miss greatly. Just to be with those people is so important to me. I also missed hugging my nan for all the months I couldn’t. Having that back is so special. I appreciate those hugs.

8. Pets are amazing

Again I knew this already but this year they’ve really stepped up. My dog has kept me going out and in some kind of routine. My cats are just loving and have entertained a few people on zoom (especially when they scare the life out of me, try to eat the laptop cable or knock a pile of stuff to the floor). Also having cat cuddles during and straight after therapy has been awesome. I now do not want to do therapy without a cat. When it becomes face to face again the cat is coming with me. That would make them look I’m sure.

9. I can draw

I’ve always tried to draw and never felt any good at it. Then just before lockdown I did some art things with a group I’m part of and it started to make me wonder if maybe I could draw. During lockdown I decided I’d try it out and began drawing every day. To begin with I’d draw animals and cartoon characters for friends, family and their children. Most was simple. I then developed it further and I feel like I’m getting a lot better. I’ve even shared some of it on Instagram and Facebook.

10. People are mental health aware but…

This is probably going to be the most negative one. With lockdown there has been a lot of talking about helping people’s mental health during these times. People are showing they are aware of needing to look after their’s and others’ mental health. But it has become clearer that we need to make people mental ILLNESS aware now. People may understand mental health, they don’t all understand mental illnesses and what it’s like to live with one day to day. There is a long way to go with. This means that instead of a mental health awareness week/day we really need a mental illness awareness week/day. We need people to see the difference between mental health and mental illness. I plan to write more on this in 2021.

So 2020 has definitely been a year of learning about others and myself. I’ve deliberately tried to keep the negative out of this list (believe me there are many things I’ve seen this year from people that have shocked me in a bad way). I’d love to hear what you’ve learnt so feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I’m aiming to be busier on all these platforms.

Lastly I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has read, shared, commented or supported me in any way. I really do appreciate it and wish you the best for the years to come. You’re awesome. Be kind ๐Ÿ’š

Covid Christmas

Christmas has come around again and this year is going to be different. A lot of people may be separated from those they normally spend this time of year with. This may be a blessing for some but awful for others who may feel lonely. The pressure of Christmas to be good is still there too.

This post is just going to be some things that may be useful to know about and some other things to maybe consider. A lot will be UK based as that’s where I am but if you have something you wish to add feel free to use the comments so others can see it.

The first think I’m going to share is a hash tag on twitter, to help those who are feeling lonely or struggling with Christmas. It was set up by the wonderful comedian Sarah Millican a few years ago and has been very popular. The hash tag is #joinin. Everyone is able to connect via the hash tag and hopefully reach out to each other. As it’s on Twitter you can use it from anywhere in the world.

For a lot of people money has been tight this year with lack of work or losing jobs. If you’re struggling don’t feel you have to give a gift. And if you want to don’t worry about going expensive. Gifts, if able to be given, should not be about reciprocity. I give because I want to make people happy, not to receive something in return. I’m sure whoever it is you want to gift something too would rather you were able to manage to live than give them something and struggle. If they wouldn’t then they don’t deserve a gift (I know this is different and harder with children and I apologise for not having suggestions for this). Also if you want to give why not spread it out so they get a surprise in January?

In the UK if you need someone to talk to you can contact the Samaritans on 116 123. They are available at any time though lines may be busy. This doesn’t mean they won’t talk to you so please hang on. I know people who have found them very useful to talk to. There are crisis lines available in most countries and you can find some of these via the menu on here.

If you don’t feel safe mixing with other people during this time then remember you are allowed to say you don’t want to. If it helps to make an excuse then that’s fine. You have no reason to feel guilty for putting yourself first. You are important. I know this is easier said than done, I really do, but it’s not selfish to put yourself first.

Self care can go by the wayside sometimes during busy periods but this is when it is most needed. If you can, try and do one bit of self care each day. It doesn’t have to be huge and may be something you’re already doing. Taking note of it will show yourself that you are worth looking after. It can be as simple as having a shower (which isn’t always simple I know) or having some water. You are worthy of being looked after.

For those who have an eating disorder, Christmas can create all number of challenges. I’m no expert on this but in the UK the charity Beat will be available for support everyday from 4pm to 9pm. There is also information on their website about things to consider at Christmas and their support services.

These are just a few things that may help. As I said at the top of the post if you have a useful resource then please add it to the comments or you can share with me via Twitter, Facebook or Instagram and I will try and get it shared. This means if you’re looking for something I haven’t shared it may be worth checking the comments or one of these places.

Please take care of yourselves this Christmas. You are all important and awesome. Be kind ๐Ÿ’š

Poinsettia Drawing by myself. There is a meaning to this flower. For more information look here.

Positives From Lockdown

Lockdown has been a hard time for so many people, myself included but I’ve also found some positive things have come from lockdown too. Therefore I thought I’d look at my positives.

1. A lockdown birthday

I had my birthday in June when everything was still pretty much shut and we could barely see anyone. It was one of my favourite birthdays. I went for a picnic and a walk and then went home and did what I wanted. No pressure whatsoever. So I reckon on my birthday we should have a lockdown each year.

Birthday walk and picnic

2. The 2 metre rule

Yep it’s been the bane of so many people but I want to keep this forever. I now have a reason to tell people to get out of my personal space or to move away from them without appearing rude. Long may it continue with people we don’t want to be near.

Picture from Pinterest

3. Wildlife returning

During my walks I have had great pleasure in spotting different wildlife that has returned to our local park. We had a regular heron (named Herbert by me and adopted by others). We also had some Little Egrets. We also got to see the regular geese, ducks and coots have their offspring. I got particularly involved with one pait of coots who had a tragedy when their nest was destroyed. Wildlife is amazing.

Herbert

4. Finding new hobbies

I have taken up drawing again. It’s something I’ve not done in years but I seem to of improved over the lockdown period. I’ve enjoyed extending my range and developed some confidence in this area. I even set up Facebook and Instagram pages for my art. I’ve also managed to do more Lego building, which I love but just could never find the time for. I’ve adapted my routines to incorporate these things.

A drawing of mine

5. Getting things done

I have managed to get so many jobs done. Things I’ve always put off as I’ve been to busy or tired to do them. I’ve enjoyed them too. It’s not just been the mundane daily life jobs but things I wouldn’t normally get to do. I built my mum’s Christmas present from 2018 for her which I’d been meaning to do since she received it.

Making Mum’s Christmas present from 2018

Overall lockdown has been tough for me and many others. It has by no means been a positive experience fully but there are positive bits in there. Sometimes we forget these among all the talk of death and failing businesses. What have been your positives? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

The Anxiety Of Leaving Lockdown

I know a lot of people have written about the easing of lockdown and the effect its having on their mental health. I can relate many times. But I wanted to get my own anxieties and thoughts out so here goes.

I know we need to ease the lockdown. I know there are benefits to it but I feel its happening so fast. Within a few weeks we’ve gone from only being allowed out once a day to people allowed in our homes and shops reopening. It feels like we’re not waiting to see the effect of one change before the next is brought in and that scares me.

I’m not scared of me getting coronavirus. If I get it, I get it. The fear is for other people. My mum, and to a lesser extent my Dad, have had to shield as they are in vulnerable groups. They could get really sick with the virus. It’s meant I’ve had to go into shops. It’s terrified me that I’m going to catch it and give it to them. I’ve been obsessive with hand washing and sanitiser. I’ve panicked if I’ve made one small error. Now it feels more risky than before and my anxiety of going into a shop is higher.

I want to protect my family but obviously they have their own minds and can do as they want to. I’ve tried so hard to resist panicking in front of them. I’ve tried my hardest not to get angry when I am scared they are putting themselves at risk. This is becoming harder as they are allowed to do more. How can I stop them when the government say its OK? Truth is I can’t. This feels so out of control and this leads to an increase in anxiety.

Another thing adding to the anxiety is that as things are eased people think it’s OK to break the rules more and more but they are doing it in bigger ways. This makes me scared for the people in my life too. My family are vulnerable. I don’t want to take risks but others don’t see the problem and even in shops get closer than they should. It’s scary.

Places are also getting busier which brings my normal anxiety into play. I hate busy places and crowded places. This meant the two metre rule for me was fantastic. I want to keep it forever. I’m now starting to be scared to go out again. I feel I’ve gone backwards in this area.

So those are a few of my worries. I’m sure you all have your own. I think I need to just focus on what I can control rather than what I can’t. If you have any tips or want to share your anxieties then feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

Supporting Others Who Are Isolated

We are in a really rubbish time at the moment. Lots of people are isolated, either on their own or with immediate family. Both situations have their own difficulties. So what can we do to support others who are isolated and may not be able to get out? I’ve put together a few ideas, not just the practical but some to brighten others days.

1. Shopping

This may be obvious but offering to do some shopping and deliver to their doorstep may help them a lot. Obviously keep to the guidelines of social distancing but you may even be able to have a quick chat from a distance.

2. Write them a letter

This is something I’ve done for a few people. I wanted them to know I was thinking of them and how awesome they are. I could of sent a text message but I wanted them to be able to keep it to read to remind themselves in tough times. Also getting post can be really cool. I got a card from a friend and it made my day. I’ve also been making friendship bracelets so I added one into each letter in colours they like. The feedback was lovely. I’ve also used the Touchnote App (not an ad I promise) to send postcards with pictures on to my grandmother. She’s loved them.

3. Give them a phonecall

If you can, phone them. Sometimes it’s nice just to hear a different voice. I’m lucky in that my local mind is doing welfare calls so I get to hear someone else’s voice each week. I’m not the greatest with using the phone but I’ve realised hearing someone else makes me feel a bit better.

4. Just check in

If you can’t phone then that’s fine but maybe just send a message to see how they are. Let them moan if they need to (obviously look after yourself too). A text takes a few seconds to send.

5. Share something for them

Another thing I’ve been doing is doing drawings for different people and then sharing on social media. Not only has it occupied my time, it seems to have brought joy to others. I’ve also done them for my friends’ children to enjoy too. I have had some lovely comments about how it’s lifted people’s mood and that they’ve been waiting each day to see what I’ve drawn. Obviously it doesn’t have to be drawing but sharing something each day for others may lift someone’s mood.



These are just a few ideas. I’m sure you all have many more so feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Lost In Lockdown

So it seems like the world has been shut down for forever. Everyone is finding it tough. People are losing loved ones or being kept away from them at least. Life is restricted. Unfortunately my mental illness has decided to take advantage of this situation to cause ultimate unpleasantness.

I know this lockdown is not fun for anyone. I’m not pretending that I’m the only one negatively effected. Everyone seems to be in the same boat. But unfortunately that doesn’t help make it easier. In fact it’s making it harder. I feel guilty that I need support. I feel like a burden when I know so many are struggling to deal with this. I hate myself for being able to access support yet still feel on the edge.

The thing is I know I would tell any of my friends who are mentally ill and struggling that it’s OK and mental illness doesn’t make it easier but harder. That it will impact you more as you have to work harder than everyone else to stay well. I’ve even said these words to others. But I can’t apply it to me.

I think also that as things that help keep me more stable have been removed temporarily due to the lockdown this is going to make it harder. I’ve been lucky that my mental health team have given me permission to exercise more than once a day. This is allowed for medical reasons. (For more information click here.) But there are other things I’m missing that I’d not even realised I needed.

Social contact for me has always been exhausting and something I need a break after. I thought I’d be OK without it as I still can contact friends and others through social media or WhatsApp. But it turns out I need to physically see people. I need hugs. I need to be closer to them. I miss them. Yes I may need quiet time after but I still need the contact.

While we can all say lockdown is not our ideal situation I have found some things that are helping keep me a little bit saner (never completely sane, that ship sailed long ago). I’ve rediscovered things I liked doing. I’ve discovered I’m more skilled in them than I thought and that they can help others feel better. Drawing has been a major one for me, with me drawing animals and characters for others and children.

I’ve also found it useful to set myself projects. I’ve put together things I’ve been meaning to do for ages, I’ve built Lego I’d been meaning to make or made friendship bracelets for others. Focusing on this one thing has helped me keep moving and not dropping into deep despair.

The thing is it’s not always helpful. I seem to have a regular Friday night meltdown at the moment. I just disintegrate. My anxiety at times is so high it gives me chronic chest pain. I’ve got an almost constant headache. These are things that I’m struggling to manage. I’ve had a lot of anxiety that I’m going to infect my family. Hair pulling and skin picking have increased along with self harm. Things are not ideal.

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to make this go quicker but we can help each other. Just checking in is helpful. And we need to ask for support when we need it. Fingers crossed we’ll be able to have some normality soon.

To keep in contact please feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.