This is a personal piece about my relationship with anger. Please be trigger aware when reading this post.
Today I have felt so angry. I’ve internalised it so much. Tried hard not to express it. I don’t want to lash out; to hurt somebody who unknowingly made it worse. I have tried hard not to let it take over; to not let it force me into actions that I know I’ll later regret. But it has been so hard.
I hate anger! I hate how it makes me hateful towards other people. It makes me ungrateful for what I’ve got; for how lucky I am. It makes me feel like a monster. For that reason I usually avoid people. I’m terrified I’ll say something hateful and push the people I care about away from me. I don’t want them to have to cope with my anger.
So why do I get so angry? The truth is I have no reasons behind my anger. Some days I wake up and feel hateful at the world. There is no reason why. This I find extremely frustrating which only fuels more bad feeling.
Another explanation for the volume of anger I feel is that it is a symptom of BPD. This means feeling angry is beyond my control. I get angry at anything and everything. This is something I have struggled to accept. Unexplained anger is a symptom I just cant get used to.
Anger to me is a dangerous emotion. It is a scary emotion and something beyond my control, which makes me feel worse about it.
How do I control and cope with my anger? This is a question I am still struggling with. I used to turn my anger inwards and punish myself using self harm. This has had to change though. I find myself instead suppressing it until it explodes from me leaving a mess behind that I have to sort out. This is something I want to change so for the first time I am writing about my anger rather than bottling it up. This was suggested to me by a good friend and has helped me somewhat feel more normal. There are of course other ways you can try to express your anger; from sport to art.
I hope my writing has provided some insight into how anger can go hand in hand with mental illness and how it can be overcome. Thanks goes to my friend for suggesting I write. All credit for this piece goes to her. I hope if you are struggling with anger this has encouraged you to find a way to cope with it and shown that you are not alone.