This is a personal blog post about my current relationship with depression. I may touch on some triggering subjects so please be careful when reading this piece.
Depression and I have a long relationship going back many years and through many events in my life. But still it surprises me when rears its head again, to take me in its arms and rock my world entirely. Currently that is how it feels living with a recurrence of the deep dark corridors of depression. It eats into every day, making every task seem at least twice as hard. Even writing this I notice my grammar and spelling falling into the pit it’s provided.
Depression has consumed a great part of my life, both currently and in the past. It has taken me to the darkest depths. It has caused me to make attempts to take my life and to harm myself. Currently it is not “that bad”.
Instead at the moment I find myself feeling like I’m being kicked repeatedly. I find even the little jobs hard; writing this has taken several attempts. I’m tired beyond what I thought possible. I wake up tired after hours of so called rest. I’m sure what I’m describing is not unique and that there will be many of you who will say “been there” or “same”. I wish you all the strength as this is not an easy battle and it is definitely an exhausting one.
Depression, I hate you. I hate how you leave me feeling weak and unable to work against you. I hate how much energy you take from me. I hate how exhausted you leave me. I hate the way you make me feel isolated and alone.
But, depression, I will not let you win again, as you have so many times in my life. You will not stop me from achieving. You will not stop me from seeing my friends.
Depression will more than likely always be a part of my life. It has dictated huge parts of my past. I don’t want it to take away my future. I will continue to fight it, but some days this is easier than others. I hope if you are battling depression you continue to fight it. You are stronger than it allows you to believe. Depression will cloud your view but I know that you are awesome for getting this far. Keep fighting. Lots of hugs coming your way.