This is the next post in my therapy journey. It is a reaction that I wrote after hearing I’d been accepted to do the therapy. For other posts in the series look here.
Today I got the call I have been waiting for. I have been accepted to do a DBT skills group. This group will last just over a year (this was later changed to six months). It is the long term therapy that I have been fighting for, for a long time. It’s due to start next Tuesday but I will be missing the first session as I have a hospital appointment and therefore will start a week later. I am sat here with very mixed feelings.
I am pleased that I am finally getting the therapy that has been promised to me for a long time. Well actually I am getting better therapy than I was originally expecting. I know I need this help to make positive changes. I know that this is the way forward. This is what I have been told I need for a long time. So it has to be a good thing, doesn’t it? I really hope it is. I know I am lucky to get this opportunity and I want to make the most of it.
But… There is always a but. I am terrified now that this is happening. Terrified of all the expectations that have been out on me and therapy. My mind is racing with thoughts and it all feels overwhelming. “What if I’m not good enough?” This thought is the main one Loughborough my head. Accompanied by “you’re going to fail.” This is a real fear. What if I am too broken to be fixed? What if it isn’t the thing that helps me on the way to recovery? What if I can’t manage it or screw it up in some way?
All these thoughts keep going through my head and I start to wonder whether I am doing the right thing. I wonder whether I am ready to make the changes that I know will be asked of me. Am I in the right place mentally to do this? I know I need to make changes to get better but change is scary and makes the future feel uncertain.
It also means I have to think about the future. Or at least my thoughts are making me think about it. I’ve had to think of goals I want to achieve but as someone who has been living day to day most of the time this is huge and scary. I barely know what I want for my next meal let alone what I want for my future. It all feels incredibly overwhelming.
So yes getting accepted for therapy is a good thing, and people are right to be pleased for me. It is however a scary thing and full of uncertainty that in my anxious brain leads to over thinking and worry. It is complicated and I know the weeks ahead are going to come with their own challenges. I just hope I can meet them.