Monthly Archives: July 2015

A letter to my mental illnesses *please be trigger aware*

Dear various mental illnesses,

I am writing this letter to make you aware of how I feel about you all and what you do to me. I have to admit I’m writing this at a time when I am struggling slightly so this might be slightly biased towards how much I currently dislike you.

Depression, you are currently my number one enemy. You eat me up inside and cause nasty thoughts and voices to race through my head. I have seen you as an enemy for so many years and will continue to fight you. But while you have given me days of struggling to get out of bed and suicidal thoughts, you have also helped me find some of the most amazingly strong people who I can now call my friends. You have given me understanding and empathy towards others. You have made it tricky for me to say I wish I’d never met you. I wish I had never had to see your dark side to see the lighter side of life.

Self-harm, for a long time you were a ‘friend’ in the loosest sense of the word. I say it loosely, because what friend tears you apart while pretending to be the only support you need. You have acted as a crutch I thought I could rely on when actually you have torn my life apart. You have made me a liar and a manipulative human being for too long and I am over you now. I still fight you each and every day. But that’s it now, I am fighting you rather than letting you dictate my life. I will probably continue to have to fight you in the same way an alcoholic fights their addiction to alcohol. Maybe others will disagree with me over that analogy.

BPD, you are the hardest to write to. This is because you are the hardest diagnosis for me to accept and deep down I still don’t think you are really a part of my life. Why should my personality traits be classed as disordered? So this is just a short note to say I don’t believe you’re a part of me and if you are then well I hate your negative influences on my personality.

Anxiety, you and I are fairly new acquaintances, and that’s how I want it to stay, as mere acquaintances. You have made me feel sick to my stomach and stopped me doing things that would have meant so much to me to be a part of. You are the reason I missed two of my friends’ wedding. I hate you for that! I hate that I let you win. You still grab me at times but you will never win again like that. I hope you realise that whatever symptoms you throw at me now, I now know how to deal with them and will continue to fight you every step of the way.

So to you all in conclusion, I think you can tell I hate your negative impact on my life but you haven’t ruined my life and I will not let you ruin it. I know I will have bad days still. I mean right now I’m having a bad day but I know you won’t win anymore because of the things you have given me. The friends I have found through you keep me together. I have learnt skills of how to deal with some of the rougher times. I’ve learnt how much I need to appreciate the small things in life, however hard it is to do this on a bad day. So thank you for making me that stronger, more empathetic person.

Yours

Me.