This is a personal piece. Please be aware the content may be triggering. I do not promote self harm in any way. If you are struggling with self harm please get support from a medical professional. This is just a look into the mind of someone who self harms.
Self harm has been a big part of my life for the last 16 years. That’s over half my life. I’ve been harming longer than I haven’t. People often wonder why I continue to use this as my main coping strategy. So here I thought I would share some reasons why self harm is still in my life. This is not me saying self harm is a good thing. This is me explaining why it is hard to stop. Currently I wish I could stop as I’m in agony but my mind won’t let me.
1. It’s an addiction
Now some may argue with me on this point but to me self harm is an addiction. I find myself craving the time until I can hurt myself. Sometimes it is all I can think about. And the feeling I get when I’ve done it is so satisfying to begin with. Also when you feel pain your body releases endorphins. This makes you feel better and is why you crave it more.
2. It’s a release
To me self harm feels like a release. All the pain and anger can be let out. To me this feels a safer way of getting everything out. I don’t feel like I’m hurting anyone (but myself) so it is safer for everyone. Although this probably isn’t true. My mind however convinces me it is.
3. It helps me feel in control
For me the world is a very scary place and for me to deal with it I have to feel in control. Everything has to be planned. The problem though is that people and events are unpredictable. This leaves me feeling out of control. So to gain back the control I self harm. It calms down everything in my mind. The problem is that the more I think I’m in control I’m actually more out of control. In fact the self harm is in control of me.
4. It’s dependable
Self harm is always there for me. At any time. I think I’m quite a needy person so I need something that won’t let me down or be too busy. I feel I can rely on it to help me deal with the bad thoughts and the voice I hear. I try and use other coping strategies but these fail me at times. I’m not promoting self harm here. I know it is an unhealthy coping strategy. I would never suggest someone use self harm as a coping strategy.
5. I feel I need to be punished
I have felt like a bad person for a long time, since I was a small child. A lot of this stems from things in my past. Therefore I feel I should be punished and self harm meets the criteria. Hurting myself feels the right thing to do. I know realistically that’s not the case but in my mind that’s how it works.
So that is a few reasons I’m finding stopping self harm so difficult. I want to state again that I don’t believe anyone should self harm. You deserve better than to harm. If you want more information on self harm check out the Mind website. Feel free to comment here or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.
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