Tag Archives: fear of abandonment.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Telling People

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚.

Part of the whole cancer diagnosis and prognosis is the telling people all about it. It’s surprising some of the reactions that you get and the responses you feel as well. Some of the things that I’m going to write about are things that my mum has felt about telling people as well.

When it came to telling people about mum’s diagnosis, it was really hard. I didn’t want to cry on people. This meant I didn’t ring people with regard to the diagnosis. I rang one person when I told them about prognosis. I think with the diagnosis I blamed myself so much. I’d stopped self harming as part of the therapy I’d been having but for me, my thoughts made me feel I had to harm to stop people getting ill. Then mum got cancer. How could it not be my fault? I knew people would know I was evil.

Telling my best friend was the first person. She was amazing and the first thing she said before I’d even mentioned the above thoughts was “it’s not your fault”. She knows me very well and it was hard to see it. My belief in that statement wavers a lot still. My best friend has been an amazing support and checks in with me regularly. She’s not afraid to talk to me.

The reason I mentioned my best friend isn’t afraid to talk to me is that some people do seem to react after telling them by avoiding you or not asking the “how are you?” or “how is your mum?” questions. And I do understand this. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. But that doesn’t mean its easy to deal with. Both me and mum struggled with this. Mum said she felt like she had something ccontagious that people needed to avoid. I felt the feeling of abandonment. The whole BPD abandonment. And it added to the whole “people know it’s my fault and hate me” thoughts. This was so hard to deal with and still is.

Another reaction is people tell you of their experiences as either a family member or a person who has had cancer. This can be useful but it can be scary too. It’s not something I’d want to change though.

Overall telling people is an exhausting experience. And sometimes even working out what order to tell people in is an issue too as you don’t know who will tell others before you get there. I thought it would be easier telling people about cancer than about my mental illnesses as its not so taboo but I’ve found that not to be the case at all. People are still scared to discuss cancer.

If you have any tips or thoughts on telling people, feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Intro

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

About six weeks ago (or longer, the days are all merging) my world was hit by the news that my mum has cancer. It’s something I’ve been dealing with on top of coping with my mental illness. Therefore I thought I’d use my blog as a way of recording how I cope (or not) with everything that comes from living with someone with cancer. And not just anyone living with someone with cancer but someone with a prior mental illness. I know bits will overlap with everyone who supports someone with cancer but there are bits that I think I’m finding harder due to my diagnosis. Maybe not… But this will be my way to explore it.

I’m planning to set this up on it’s own page of my blog so it will be together with other information or support as well. And it will all be in one place.

My plan is that I will be as honest as I can be. That I will look at the good, the bad and the ugly. This may mean there is triggering topics discussed so please be careful. As always I will put a trigger warning at the top.

So post one will hopefully be up shortly (once I’ve written it) but I don’t think I will keep these posts to a schedule as life is already chaotic. I also still want to write about other areas of mental health and illness too, this is just an add on.

As always if you want to share or ask questions feel free to use the comments or my Twitter, Facebook or Instagram accounts.

When Emotions Overwhelm

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Last week after a while of not feeling anything or pushing emotions down I was suddenly overwhelmed with them. It is an experience I know many people with a mental illness feel at times, especially those who have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I don’t understand my emotions most of the time. Identifying them is an extremely difficult thing for me. When they overwhelm me this is harder to do and harder to deal with as well. People will ask what’s wrong or what you’re feeling and not being able to explain it is so hard to deal with and seems to add something into the emotions that makes it all the worse. I feel I just want to be a “normal” person for a while.

Those with a BPD diagnosis find emotions are heightened. They are often described as being emotionally like third degree burns victims without an emotional skin. It’s like touching wounds when we feel emotions. The pain of them is strong and this can be felt physically in the body. And by god is it painful at the extremes. When most people would have a small emotional response, ours tends to be more intense or bigger. Therefore when a person without the diagnosis has an event that causes them extreme emotional pain, well for those who have a diagnosis of BPD it is just unbearable.

When the emotions overwhelmed me I just wanted to tear my skin off. I wanted to hurt myself to an extreme extent. I wanted to escape it all. Death felt like the best idea but I felt trapped as it wasn’t an option. This added to the distress. The hatred for myself is strong. It’s always strong but in that moment it was extreme. It was unbearable and I could not even work out what I was feeling.

This happens more often than people realise. A lot of the time I just hide away. My friends cope with a lot. I feel sorry for them. I hate what I do to them. They deserve better. I try my hardest to not inflict myself on them but in the moment it’s harder. This isn’t the healthiest way to cope.

I don’t have much advice for coping. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) offers some skills for dealing with distress. These include the TIPP skills and STOP skills that are detailed in the images below. However it can be hard to remember to do this when the emotions are so high. It’s like they are blinding. It could be useful to let someone close to you know about the skills so they can remind you of them.

If you have any other tips for coping with overwhelming emotions then feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Being Invalidated

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

“To invalidate means to cancel something or make it void, as if it never happened. In invalidate you see the word valid which means true or correct. When you invalidate something you are making it less true, less official, or less correct.” (vocabulary.com, March 2021).

The meaning above can be applied to things you experience. It can be caused by other people and events. It can make you question your thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences and reactions. It can make you feel awful. And people sometimes don’t even realise they are doing this to you.

When you tell someone that what they feel isn’t justified or to just stop feeling that way, then you are invalidating the way they feel. You are telling them what they are feeling is not true and not correct. Yes, you may not have felt that way in that situation but everyone is different and that doesn’t mean that what that person is feeling is invalid.

It’s important we think before we speak. It’s what might feel like silly things that can have an effect on other people and cause them to feel invalidated and it can start when we are children. What we are saying may to us sound reassuring but it ccam invalidate the child. Saying to a child who is nervous about an exam that they shouldn’t be is invalidating. Instead saying you understand why they feel that way but you feel like they are well prepared so it should go well is acknowledging their feelings as valid while reassuring at the same time.

Some mental health professionals could also do with understanding the power of invalidation. Telling someone that what they are experiencing is minimal or not that bad can have lasting effects on everyone and especially those with a mental illness. It can cause them to deteriorate further. On my write ups from the psychiatrist appointments it would often say my self harm was superficial and it would make me try to cause myself more harm as I felt they weren’t taking me seriously. I’ve also heard of people with eating disorders who are told they are not thin enough being made sicker.

I know that although having a diagnosis can be a burden I felt it a validation for what I was/am experiencing. It made me feel that someone could see that something was wrong and I needed help. However this means professionals need to be careful about removing diagnoses from patients as it can add to invalidation. You are taking away the validation you gave them. There needs to be a conversation and careful explanation.

It is possible also to invalidate yourself as well. This is harder to stop doing, I know I do it a lot. It’s important for us to try and allow ourselves to experience our feelings and acknowledge them. This is easier said than done though.

So when speaking to anyone try to consider their feelings and not cancelling them out. We all need to think of how our words and actions impact on others.

Breaking Up A Toxic Relationship

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

The fourteenth of February is a day everyone remembers and relates to their relationship with their partner. I’m no different except for me it marks the day I broke up my relationship with my ex, let’s call him J. It’s a bittersweet day and complicated in so many ways by the mix of thoughts in my mind.

My relationship with J was not a good one. We were introduced by a mutual friend. He was five years older, which doesn’t sound a lot but as I was seventeen and he was twenty two it did feel quite big. We had many laughs when we first met. To say there wasn’t a connection would be wrong, however much it now pains me. We quickly became an item and that’s when the issues started.

He very much wanted our relationship to become physical straight away. I didn’t due to some past issues. I tried explaining and he seemed understanding when we were talking via text. In person it was quite different. He made me many promises. Within a week they were broken and so was I.

I should of left him then. It sounds so easy so early on in a relationship. But I’d told him things I’d told noone else and boy did he know how to use that to get his way. And if that didn’t work then humiliation and force were his tools.

Now he wasn’t all bad. It sounds like I’m defending him but honestly there were things about him I liked and still do. He could be charming. He showed me a vulnerable side that liked to do cross-stitch which his nan had taught him. He loved his nephew. He could be funny. These things made me want to be with him. They made me feel lucky. Especially when he chose to open up about things to me. Maybe it was all manipulation but some at least felt genuine.

However there were areas where we clashed. Areas where he forced his will on me. Where he took away my choices. He told me I made him do this. I forced him to force me. Do I believe it? Yes, it still feels like I’m to blame a lot of the time. There may be small doubts but they are often erased.

During our time together my self confidence, what little I had as I was already mentally unwell at the time, was eroded. Any form of self respect was gone. He terrified me but I needed him. When he tried to persuade my friends to sleep with him I knew it was my fault. I’d pushed him to it. They showed me his messages. I still thought it was ok.

Eventually nine months in I had a sudden burst of feeling I couldn’t do this relationship anymore and when it came out he’d been successful in one of his conquests with another woman I saw it as an excuse to end the relationship. So on the fourteenth of February I ended it. I couldn’t do it face to face through fear. But I did it. I got all sorts of threats from him. I knew I would and I had my doubts over what I’d done. Noone else would ever love me, right?

I wish I could say he was out of my life after then. He wasn’t. He reappeared a number of times in different ways. He treated me in different ways from deep caring to painful incidents. He humiliated me many times and forced me to put myself in his control to avoid a friend getting hurt. It would be my fault if they did. He has periodically turned up over the last eleven years. I have very mixed thoughts about him.

So why have I written this piece? Because I know deep down this was not a good relationship. It hurt me a lot whether that was my fault or his remains to be seen though many say it was him. But I did end it. Somehow I found the words to say it was over. But it wasn’t a simple break up. And I think with many toxic relationships that is the same. The idea people can just walk away from these relationships is wrong. So much is tied up in them. Many thoughts go through your head. So if a relationship isn’t looking right please don’t think it’s simple for one person to leave the other. There is much more to it and sometimes one partner won’t let it go and can be threatening and manipulative. Please understand this.

For help and support with similar issues then you can check out Refuge in the UK. I’m sure there are similar charities around the world too.

N.B. Some people have called my relationship abusive. As you may have noticed I chose the term toxic. Maybe it was abusive. At times I say that. But my head hasn’t got around this relationship entirely. I know I’d call it abusive if anyone else experienced what I had.

Therapy 2021: Session 5

Date of session: 02/02/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Today was my last session of individual therapy. This will be more of a thoughts on things post as there was not much content to the session to be shared. The main part of the therapy today was to do a screening for joining a trauma information group in March.

With the end suddenly happening (it was only mentioned last session, last week) I feel abandoned. I feel I have no support. I feel alone. They say phone the duty worker or crisis team. These are options I can’t do due to my home situation and the anxiety that means I don’t feel able to talk easily to staff I don’t know. Also I know that someone who mans the duty phone is someone I put in a complaint about and so I was removed from her care. She has since blatantly ignored me when I offered a hello when I saw her in the building of my community mental health team and turned her head away from me. She has also said some things for which the complaint was made. I’m terrified it would be her that answers. I have lost so much support in the last year.

I know I’m lucky to move onto this group but it’s a stop gap. I’m apparently not safe to do online trauma therapy so this is a trauma information group. This will just give us eight weeks of generic information about skills. For this I have to be low risk and stable. So that is what has been said while I’m not safe to do the one to one. I find this confusing.

I’ve not self harmed for seven weeks. I hate myself for this. The anxiety is high. But I’m expected to just be OK. That’s how it feels at least. I just want to harm again. I feel it wouldn’t matter anymore. No one would check on it. And so what if I go to far. It wouldn’t matter.

I know I sound pathetic and I probably am. But I’m angry and upset. Maybe I should of left this post for another day but I needed these thoughts out before I explode at someone. Especially as I’ve been told by someone else something that has annoyed me and left me feeling even more left out and alone. It’s left me with suicidal thoughts (I’m safe and won’t act on them). I’m tired of being made to fight so hard.

I apologise for being self pitying. We shall see how the trauma information group goes when it starts in March. I’m unsure if I will record this or not. For now this is the end of therapy.

Therapy 2021: Session 4

Date of session: 26/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Before this session I had homework to do. I left it until the last minute due to feeling ill and tired most of the time. I also knew it would be hard as it involved identifying emotions at some level. This is an area I find hard and frustrating. I also had to build a new safe place to use to do this. This I resented. I did it the night before.

At the start of the session, as always, I was asked how I’d been over the last week. I said about the pain and tiredness. She asked how I’d been doing with the self harm and I replied I still hadn’t self harmed since before Christmas. She was pleased with this. I am less so at this time. She also asked how my dissociation had been which I always find hard to answer as I’m not always aware when I’m dissociating. I explained a couple of things and she said it sounded more like acting mindlessly rather than dissociating. I’ll agree to disagree here but hey ho.

We then moved on to look at the new safe place I had created and went through all its sections and the different senses that related to it. I won’t discuss my safe place at this time as I’m not sure it is a wise thing right now. She was happy with the place I’d created and the use of senses. She then asked about emotions and feelings in the body. This is where I had difficulty and this made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed (anger and annoyance I can identify, though not always accurately in others). She now wants me to keep going through the safe place when I’m not stressed to see how it reduces feelings and calms me. Then move on to practicing it when I think of a mildly irritating scenario. At the moment I’m in a constant state of anxiety so we will see how we go.

After this she wanted to discuss next steps. She had, had her supervision meeting and discussed about doing further trauma work with me now I wasn’t self harming (a prerequisite I had been given). It was now decided it was still to unsafe to do the trauma work online due to my high score on the DES (Dissociative Experience Scale) as she wasn’t in the same room as me. I understand this to an extent but it feels like I have to somehow get better so I’m the right level of ill. I can’t be too ill, but I can’t be too well.

The above led me to having to make a decision. We could do another couple of sessions winding down and then leave it until face to face was an option or I can join a trauma information group in March for eight weeks and next weeks session would be my last individual session. I explained I would have to consider the timing of the session and how it would impact on my family as its a two hour course. I had some less than pleasant comments in response that left me incredibly upset, including “the group will go ahead with or without you” and “you’re lucky to be offered this so soon”. I don’t dispute how lucky I am, I just needed to consult others as I’m not the only person it will effect. She knows of the difficulties at home. I was told to just be assertive.

After the session I was in tears. I felt some of the comments were unfair. I had not turned it down flat, just explained that I wasn’t sure I could do it due to the issues in my family. But then I was an awful person. I feel now something that may be paranoia but also may not be, which is that this has all been to leave me without support and the world knowing how awful I am. I’m still not feeling great in regard to this. I have considered emailing the psychologist but I’m also scared too. It has triggered a lot of feelings of fear of abandonment.

I have managed to arrange that I will be able to attend the group of the offer is still open. We will see what happens next week.

Therapy 2020: Session 5

Date of session: 30/09/2020

Please be aware that some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Today’s session started off with asking me to look back on last week’s session and how I felt. I admitted I felt angry but found it hard to discuss the causes of this anger. I think for me, even though I know she is a professional and I don’t feel we get on very well, I’m still scared that she is going to stop the therapy and abandon me and I’m scared to say anything that may cause that. I’ve waited a long time for this and pinned so many hopes on it that I’m terrified of losing it and losing hope, though some of that feeling is already creeping in.

We went back over the self harm issue again and how I’m loathe to let it be the main goal of my therapy to stop it. We went through wise, reasonable and emotional mind from DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills to look at where I’m at. Apparently even when I think I’m being reasonable I’m not. After this we left it to go on to discuss other things, taking away from this being a large goal.

The main part of therapy today was to look at the voice I hear. I was trying to explain how even though I’m aware that it is either a chemical imbalance or trauma based phenomena it does not stop the impact it has on me. I did start to feel invalidated here, which felt ironic as later when looking at something else she stated part of my issues come from being invalidated.

Overall there is not much to discuss from today. I was very frustrated through a lot of it as I felt I wasn’t making myself understood and I couldn’t find the words to make myself understood. There are many things I struggle with and get upset with and this is a big one. It’s why many times in my actual life I don’t talk to others in case I’m misunderstood. Speaking, for me, seems to take away my ability to use language affectively. And even if I write down and read it I try to alter it and again become frustrated.

I was given my first piece of homework today as well. After I informed her I was not worth anything she decided that was not the case and wants me to find ten things that would be different I was worth something. She has no idea of the evidence I have to back up the statement that I am not worth anything.

Dear GP 2

There is an amazing account on Twitter called Dear GP where people write letters to their GP about their encounters with mental health professionals in the same way mental health professionals write letters about their patients to their GP. You can visit the website here. I thought I would have a second go at this below after an encounter during lockdown. My first attempt is here.

Dear GP

Today I had a telephone consultation with care coordinator M due to the current lockdown conditions. This was an unscheduled appointment and was preceded by a text message which stated that she wanted to talk to me straight away and was demanding of immediate contact without considering my prior commitments.

When we spoke to each other on the phone, M was in a jovial and friendly mood. She seemed to need reassurance about our working relationship due to comments from other staff members based on what she had said. She denied she had said anything to other staff members about our working relationship and stated “we work well don’t we?”. Her need for reassurance shows, I believe, an insecurity and possible fear of abandonment.

We then discussed my mental wellbeing. Here M was keen to show that everyone is struggling and dismissed suicidal ideation. Her concentration during this part of the conversation seemed to dip and she appeared to want this to end quickly.

Her next actions I believe confirm her fear of abandonment. She decided to put an end to our working together stating a too high workload. She did however say that I could always let her know good news. She seemed not to wish to cut ties completely showing difficulty with endings.

Overall I think M may need to work on her social skills but I do not wish to see her again and feel she will be fine under your care. Please do not rerefer.

Yours

Jo

Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Therapy 2020: Session 4

Date of session: 23/09/2020

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care. 💚

Another session, another after feeling of frustration. There is definite anger in there too. I’m trying to rationalise and go back to DBT skills and wise mind it all. Currently that’s not working. Currently my emotions are taking over. I’ve worked to identify them and as anger is one I recognise easily I got there quickly. There is still more to work out too.

We are still not going to tackle trauma therapy properly yet or in this cycle of therapy (the word cycle isn’t right but I can’t think of the right one). She wants us to tackle my self harm full on. This has been the most annoying thing. I made it clear I did not want stopping self harm to ever be my goal for therapy, now I’ve been pushed into it. I told her I felt I didn’t have any choice in this and that it was not my main aim. She is concerned I could make a fatal error with my self harm. I said that really didn’t bother me and could be for the best.

So we’re going to tackle my self harm. She wants to tackle it as an addiction. This is something I agree on with her, that it is an addiction. My self harm is not impulsive. It is well thought out. She can see my reluctance to let it go. We discussed a few of my reasons for self harming and what I get from it. She said this may mean we touch on some areas of trauma but not in depth.

We also discussed the voice I hear. Again I got annoyed and frustrated. Explaining myself out loud in words is something I struggle with. Talking face to face with a person is something I struggle with when it involves emotions, mainly because I don’t have the ability to identify them. Therefore I feel wire’s were crossed andd I wasn’t understood (something that makes me stop talking). There was doubt from her it is a voice which made me angry. I know the difference between the voice and a thought I have. I’ve been through it so many times with numerous mental health professionals. Her doubt in me upset me and I felt like I wasn’t being believed.

At the end of the session I was glad it was over. I didn’t want to speak to her anymore. I became very monosyllabic towards the end. I think she underestimates what I understand about mental illness and in particular the ones I deal with. I feel that I’m not being seen as an experienced person in regard to my own life. It feels like supposed solutions are simple to her when it’s actually a complicated situation. I think I have a lot to think over before next week.

Update (23/09/2020 9.58pm) my anger over a comment she made has been simmering all evening. I’m not sure I can believe it was said)