Tag Archives: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: First Chemo

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

This is my view of living with someone who has cancer as someone who has a mental illness. It is my personal experience of the chaotic cancer ride.

A milestone is the first chemotherapy session. It was something we had waited for, for quite a while after diagnosis, or so it seemed. We had a lot of cancellations and changes before the first session took place. Because if the chaotic nature of everything this has taken me some time to write.

Mum had to go to a specialist hospital in London for the first session. This was about an hour’s drive from where we live. It was tricky logistically with having to go up in the days before for blood tests and covid swabs. It was also tiring for my mum.

The stress of the first chemo was immense. It was all so sudden that it came together after all the cancellations and changes. The panic kicked in the night before mum had to go. I couldn’t sleep. I was scared. But I didn’t feel I could show it. I decided I needed to just push it all down. I couldn’t deal with the overwhelming feelings. I needed to just be practical. It was probably not the best idea but how I could cope.

Chemo for mum took a long time. They had trouble with her veins and other things. Plus having three different drugs meant it took all day. She was exhausted by the time she was done and home.

At first, after the chemo, mum didn’t feel too awful and then it hit. She wasn’t sick but felt it. She was very tired and this made her frustrated. Her mind often went blank. It was a difficult time to be at home. Life was just very stressful. I was struggling. I didn’t know how to describe my feelings or what was going on in my head. It was all extremely overwhelming. I didn’t talk to anyone really about how I felt as I didn’t have the words. I just said I was tired, which was true as well.

After the first chemo you think you understand what could happen from what you’ve been told but living it is so different. And if one more person tells us to think positive I think we’ll all scream.

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Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Telling People

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š.

Part of the whole cancer diagnosis and prognosis is the telling people all about it. It’s surprising some of the reactions that you get and the responses you feel as well. Some of the things that I’m going to write about are things that my mum has felt about telling people as well.

When it came to telling people about mum’s diagnosis, it was really hard. I didn’t want to cry on people. This meant I didn’t ring people with regard to the diagnosis. I rang one person when I told them about prognosis. I think with the diagnosis I blamed myself so much. I’d stopped self harming as part of the therapy I’d been having but for me, my thoughts made me feel I had to harm to stop people getting ill. Then mum got cancer. How could it not be my fault? I knew people would know I was evil.

Telling my best friend was the first person. She was amazing and the first thing she said before I’d even mentioned the above thoughts was “it’s not your fault”. She knows me very well and it was hard to see it. My belief in that statement wavers a lot still. My best friend has been an amazing support and checks in with me regularly. She’s not afraid to talk to me.

The reason I mentioned my best friend isn’t afraid to talk to me is that some people do seem to react after telling them by avoiding you or not asking the “how are you?” or “how is your mum?” questions. And I do understand this. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. But that doesn’t mean its easy to deal with. Both me and mum struggled with this. Mum said she felt like she had something ccontagious that people needed to avoid. I felt the feeling of abandonment. The whole BPD abandonment. And it added to the whole “people know it’s my fault and hate me” thoughts. This was so hard to deal with and still is.

Another reaction is people tell you of their experiences as either a family member or a person who has had cancer. This can be useful but it can be scary too. It’s not something I’d want to change though.

Overall telling people is an exhausting experience. And sometimes even working out what order to tell people in is an issue too as you don’t know who will tell others before you get there. I thought it would be easier telling people about cancer than about my mental illnesses as its not so taboo but I’ve found that not to be the case at all. People are still scared to discuss cancer.

If you have any tips or thoughts on telling people, feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

“I’m Just Tired”: The Truth

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

I say to you I’m tired. And I am. I’m tired of life. I’m tired of my head. I’m tired of everything I cannot change. I’m tired of fighting.

I say I’m tired. And I am. But I’m hiding behind it. I’m not sure what I feel. I don’t have the capacity to know or understand my feelings so I’m tired will have to do as I’m too tired to work it out.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. My body and mind don’t want to work. My head is thumping. My limbs are aching. Sleep doesn’t help. I want to be in bed. I want to give up. I want to hide away.

I’m tired. Of being a burden. Of being a failure. Of being a no good human being. Of being the worst of everything. Of always being the one who doesn’t know how to be OK.

I’m tired and I want to go to bed. But I don’t want to ever wake up. I don’t want to face the world anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore.

So yes I’m tired but it’s so much more.

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Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Prognosis

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

This is my view as a family member of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, with particular relation to issues it causes to my longstanding mental illnesses.

Prognosis. What’s likely to happen? Are we looking at a time frame? Will treatment be a cure? Staging? Grading? All this suddenly comes up. Some of the things you don’t even realise until you’re in the middle of it. Like I didn’t realise there was a difference between the grading of a tumour and the stage of cancer. There is. (Grading looks at the speed and growth of the tumour, Staging looks at how much cancer there is and how much it has spread).

Prognosis was something that came into my mind straight away. I wanted to know if my mum would get better or did I have limited time with her. This was why there were many more tests required after diagnosis. We were pretty sure it had spread from a primary source to the liver and it was important to try and find the primary source. It was suspected to be in the stomach. The type of cancer my mum has (neuroendocrine) means the primary can be on one of many places and usually isn’t found until it has spread. As it was mum’s was an incidental finding during an operation.

To begin with we had a lot of confusion surrounding the prognosis. We were originally told it wasn’t curable but it was treatable. This sounded OK. Then we got the grading back and at first it was not the best outcome but a manageable one. Mum would have years. Within an hour we had another phonecall that changed that to it being more aggressive. Finally my mum asked for clarity on prognosis.

Eighteen months to two years life expectancy.

It was like a slap. We had never been led to believe this was the case at all. Mum just dissolved. Understandably. I just had to get out of the house (oh yes as it is covid times, her prognosis was given via a video appointment). I phoned my best friend and told her. Her response of “Shit” sums it up really. It was hard telling her. It was hard saying it out loud.

After a bit of tears, not many, I pulled it all in. I’ve buried it on the whole. I spoke briefly to the psychologist who did my last lot of therapy as I wasn’t sure about doing the group she wanted me to join. She told me to try and forget the time they had said and just go with it. After all it could be wrong. This I try to do but when you least expect it the words “eighteen months to two years” slap you in the face. I might not even get to 34 with my mum still here. My mum still has her mum at 63. It doesn’t feel fair. It’s unlikely she’ll see a grandchild.

I also feel a lot of guilt. We don’t always have the best relationship and I struggle with both ways of thinking.

The biggest thing that got me though was when I was stressing over all the chaos of cancer and someone said “it’ll get easier” and realising that it’ll only be easier, maybe, when she dies. Until then cancer will be there causing chaos. This has massively messed with my head. I’ve had nightmares. I’ve had panic attacks in the middle of the night. I cope by trying to just be practical and ignore it. But it gets to you in the end.

For more information and support about cancer check out Macmillan Cancer Support. You can keep up to date and share on my Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Tests

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

I explained this new little series in an earlier post ➑️ Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Intro

So with diagnosis you think the next step is treatment but oh no there is an endless round of tests and appointments to deal with. And it’s stressful for all involved.

A lot of these appointments and tests happen at the last minute so it is extremely hard to plan things around them. Things get changed at the last minute and the term chaotic is very apt.

For someone who needs routine and control this has been extremely hard for me to deal with. It’s not easy for anyone but this has added to the stressfulness of the situation. I can feel the anxiety in me about a change in routine. It’s selfish I know. Or that’s what I’m telling myself. What’s my anxiety to my mum’s cancer?

Having a lack of control over the situation and life in general leads me back to my reliable coping mechanisms. Not good ones. Self harm is back. And honestly I have no shame about it. I know I need better ways to cope. But currently don’t have the time.

For anyone going through this, how did you cope with the appointments? My phone calendar has never looked so full and I think that is the only thing giving me any sense of control, having all the dates in there.

Feel free to share your thoughts, tips or ideas in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Intro

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

About six weeks ago (or longer, the days are all merging) my world was hit by the news that my mum has cancer. It’s something I’ve been dealing with on top of coping with my mental illness. Therefore I thought I’d use my blog as a way of recording how I cope (or not) with everything that comes from living with someone with cancer. And not just anyone living with someone with cancer but someone with a prior mental illness. I know bits will overlap with everyone who supports someone with cancer but there are bits that I think I’m finding harder due to my diagnosis. Maybe not… But this will be my way to explore it.

I’m planning to set this up on it’s own page of my blog so it will be together with other information or support as well. And it will all be in one place.

My plan is that I will be as honest as I can be. That I will look at the good, the bad and the ugly. This may mean there is triggering topics discussed so please be careful. As always I will put a trigger warning at the top.

So post one will hopefully be up shortly (once I’ve written it) but I don’t think I will keep these posts to a schedule as life is already chaotic. I also still want to write about other areas of mental health and illness too, this is just an add on.

As always if you want to share or ask questions feel free to use the comments or my Twitter, Facebook or Instagram accounts.

Being Invalidated

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

“To invalidate means to cancel something or make it void, as if it never happened. In invalidate you see the word valid which means true or correct. When you invalidate something you are making it less true, less official, or less correct.” (vocabulary.com, March 2021).

The meaning above can be applied to things you experience. It can be caused by other people and events. It can make you question your thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences and reactions. It can make you feel awful. And people sometimes don’t even realise they are doing this to you.

When you tell someone that what they feel isn’t justified or to just stop feeling that way, then you are invalidating the way they feel. You are telling them what they are feeling is not true and not correct. Yes, you may not have felt that way in that situation but everyone is different and that doesn’t mean that what that person is feeling is invalid.

It’s important we think before we speak. It’s what might feel like silly things that can have an effect on other people and cause them to feel invalidated and it can start when we are children. What we are saying may to us sound reassuring but it ccam invalidate the child. Saying to a child who is nervous about an exam that they shouldn’t be is invalidating. Instead saying you understand why they feel that way but you feel like they are well prepared so it should go well is acknowledging their feelings as valid while reassuring at the same time.

Some mental health professionals could also do with understanding the power of invalidation. Telling someone that what they are experiencing is minimal or not that bad can have lasting effects on everyone and especially those with a mental illness. It can cause them to deteriorate further. On my write ups from the psychiatrist appointments it would often say my self harm was superficial and it would make me try to cause myself more harm as I felt they weren’t taking me seriously. I’ve also heard of people with eating disorders who are told they are not thin enough being made sicker.

I know that although having a diagnosis can be a burden I felt it a validation for what I was/am experiencing. It made me feel that someone could see that something was wrong and I needed help. However this means professionals need to be careful about removing diagnoses from patients as it can add to invalidation. You are taking away the validation you gave them. There needs to be a conversation and careful explanation.

It is possible also to invalidate yourself as well. This is harder to stop doing, I know I do it a lot. It’s important for us to try and allow ourselves to experience our feelings and acknowledge them. This is easier said than done though.

So when speaking to anyone try to consider their feelings and not cancelling them out. We all need to think of how our words and actions impact on others.

Breaking Up A Toxic Relationship

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

The fourteenth of February is a day everyone remembers and relates to their relationship with their partner. I’m no different except for me it marks the day I broke up my relationship with my ex, let’s call him J. It’s a bittersweet day and complicated in so many ways by the mix of thoughts in my mind.

My relationship with J was not a good one. We were introduced by a mutual friend. He was five years older, which doesn’t sound a lot but as I was seventeen and he was twenty two it did feel quite big. We had many laughs when we first met. To say there wasn’t a connection would be wrong, however much it now pains me. We quickly became an item and that’s when the issues started.

He very much wanted our relationship to become physical straight away. I didn’t due to some past issues. I tried explaining and he seemed understanding when we were talking via text. In person it was quite different. He made me many promises. Within a week they were broken and so was I.

I should of left him then. It sounds so easy so early on in a relationship. But I’d told him things I’d told noone else and boy did he know how to use that to get his way. And if that didn’t work then humiliation and force were his tools.

Now he wasn’t all bad. It sounds like I’m defending him but honestly there were things about him I liked and still do. He could be charming. He showed me a vulnerable side that liked to do cross-stitch which his nan had taught him. He loved his nephew. He could be funny. These things made me want to be with him. They made me feel lucky. Especially when he chose to open up about things to me. Maybe it was all manipulation but some at least felt genuine.

However there were areas where we clashed. Areas where he forced his will on me. Where he took away my choices. He told me I made him do this. I forced him to force me. Do I believe it? Yes, it still feels like I’m to blame a lot of the time. There may be small doubts but they are often erased.

During our time together my self confidence, what little I had as I was already mentally unwell at the time, was eroded. Any form of self respect was gone. He terrified me but I needed him. When he tried to persuade my friends to sleep with him I knew it was my fault. I’d pushed him to it. They showed me his messages. I still thought it was ok.

Eventually nine months in I had a sudden burst of feeling I couldn’t do this relationship anymore and when it came out he’d been successful in one of his conquests with another woman I saw it as an excuse to end the relationship. So on the fourteenth of February I ended it. I couldn’t do it face to face through fear. But I did it. I got all sorts of threats from him. I knew I would and I had my doubts over what I’d done. Noone else would ever love me, right?

I wish I could say he was out of my life after then. He wasn’t. He reappeared a number of times in different ways. He treated me in different ways from deep caring to painful incidents. He humiliated me many times and forced me to put myself in his control to avoid a friend getting hurt. It would be my fault if they did. He has periodically turned up over the last eleven years. I have very mixed thoughts about him.

So why have I written this piece? Because I know deep down this was not a good relationship. It hurt me a lot whether that was my fault or his remains to be seen though many say it was him. But I did end it. Somehow I found the words to say it was over. But it wasn’t a simple break up. And I think with many toxic relationships that is the same. The idea people can just walk away from these relationships is wrong. So much is tied up in them. Many thoughts go through your head. So if a relationship isn’t looking right please don’t think it’s simple for one person to leave the other. There is much more to it and sometimes one partner won’t let it go and can be threatening and manipulative. Please understand this.

For help and support with similar issues then you can check out Refuge in the UK. I’m sure there are similar charities around the world too.

N.B. Some people have called my relationship abusive. As you may have noticed I chose the term toxic. Maybe it was abusive. At times I say that. But my head hasn’t got around this relationship entirely. I know I’d call it abusive if anyone else experienced what I had.

I Don’t Have The Words

Finding words is difficult at a lot of different times and especially when struggling mentally. This is something at the moment that I’m finding is the case so we’ll see how this post goes. Good luckΒ  to all reading.

Words come from many parts of ourselves. All our senses feed together into the brain and expect it to spit out the words that we need but sometimes it feels like it’s letting us down when we need it most; to tell others how we are feeling. This is definitely something I feel happens. I want to express how I’m feeling but no words come, especially if it’s an emotion. It’s frustrating as people say I’m clever and good at writing but I just don’t have the words for this part of me.

I know I’m not alone in struggling to find words for emotions and it is particularly something that can be associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and part of the therapy for this (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)) involves a section on identifying emotions. However this can still be difficult as it requires us to be able to find words for the sensations in our bodies and the events leading up to them. This isn’t always easy and I often can only use the words good or bad to describe the sensations.

Not being able to find my words leads to many difficult situations. I don’t feel I can ask for help when I don’t know how to describe what is wrong. I’m terrified of being misunderstood and it happens frequently when I do try to find my words. However it is difficult to sort these misunderstandings as I don’t have the correct words to make people understand how I’ve been misinterpreted. It makes for many difficult times. Often I will just allow myself to be misunderstood or I won’t try to explain in the first place.

Writing can sometimes be easier than actually talking. It often gives me a little more time to compose my thoughts and feelings into words. It’s often why I find phonecalls stressful and avoid them at all costs. This hasn’t been helped by many things during the pandemic being moved to phone appointments. Even face to face is easier as the other person has my body language to help them understand me.

Having a difficulty with finding words has effected my confidence in social and professional situations. I’m constantly in fear of being taken the wrong way or accidentally offending someone. It makes everything more stressful and I’d rather avoid situations than try and explain to someone my difficulties.

I’m still looking to find ways to combat my difficulty with finding words and would love to hear if you have found any. Feel free to share any ideas or your thoughts on the subject in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Therapy 2021: Session 5

Date of session: 02/02/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Today was my last session of individual therapy. This will be more of a thoughts on things post as there was not much content to the session to be shared. The main part of the therapy today was to do a screening for joining a trauma information group in March.

With the end suddenly happening (it was only mentioned last session, last week) I feel abandoned. I feel I have no support. I feel alone. They say phone the duty worker or crisis team. These are options I can’t do due to my home situation and the anxiety that means I don’t feel able to talk easily to staff I don’t know. Also I know that someone who mans the duty phone is someone I put in a complaint about and so I was removed from her care. She has since blatantly ignored me when I offered a hello when I saw her in the building of my community mental health team and turned her head away from me. She has also said some things for which the complaint was made. I’m terrified it would be her that answers. I have lost so much support in the last year.

I know I’m lucky to move onto this group but it’s a stop gap. I’m apparently not safe to do online trauma therapy so this is a trauma information group. This will just give us eight weeks of generic information about skills. For this I have to be low risk and stable. So that is what has been said while I’m not safe to do the one to one. I find this confusing.

I’ve not self harmed for seven weeks. I hate myself for this. The anxiety is high. But I’m expected to just be OK. That’s how it feels at least. I just want to harm again. I feel it wouldn’t matter anymore. No one would check on it. And so what if I go to far. It wouldn’t matter.

I know I sound pathetic and I probably am. But I’m angry and upset. Maybe I should of left this post for another day but I needed these thoughts out before I explode at someone. Especially as I’ve been told by someone else something that has annoyed me and left me feeling even more left out and alone. It’s left me with suicidal thoughts (I’m safe and won’t act on them). I’m tired of being made to fight so hard.

I apologise for being self pitying. We shall see how the trauma information group goes when it starts in March. I’m unsure if I will record this or not. For now this is the end of therapy.