This is a personal piece so please be aware that the content may be triggering.
Recently I have been missing in action because things have been tough. I have been in the midst of a depressive episode. It’s a place I’ve been so many times before yet still it hits me with the force of Thor’s hammer. I am at a loss and unable to motivate myself. Basic things take the biggest effort. I just want to sleep my life away.
I’ve been rocked by suicidal thoughts and have had the suggestion of crisis team involvement mentioned a few times. In the end it is decided they are no use to me and will probably not be able to help me. This makes things worse for me as I feel like noone can help me. I’m a hopeless case. Beyond help. Don’t get me wrong people are trying to help me. My care coordinator is seeing me weekly and has organised a sooner psychiatrist appointment for 6th November. I’m lucky I know but feel far from it.
My main coping mechanism at the moment is mainly through self harm. It is giving me a sense of control and making the voice I hear quieter. I know I should be using other ways of coping but it’s my old faithful and its hard not to go back to it time and time again. I have been trying to use the skills from my therapy but I’m finding that hard too. I feel like a failure.
So anyway that’s a quick update on where I am at the moment and why there is no new blog posts at the moment. I need to take a break. Hopefully it will be short and I’ll be back soon. To keep up to date you can comment or follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.