Monthly Archives: February 2017

Crisis Team Come Down

This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading.

Yesterday, after a psychiatrist appointment, I was referred to the crisis team for the second time in a month. This led to some very mixed feelings following my interactions with them. This is something I thought I’d explore in writing.

When I saw the crisis team a month ago I was desperate for their help and support. I was on the edge and finding the voice I hear very distressing, but I wasn’t self harming at the time. My experience with the crisis team was not a positive one. I was told I was not I’ll enough at the time; that my main problem was that I lacked confidence and was shy. Nothing to do with the voice in my head telling me all number of distressing things. I felt completely disheartened and it actually made things worse for me. I began self harming again as I felt this was all I had to help me cope. 

So yesterday when I was told I was being referred back to the crisis team I was sceptical. I even decided I didn’t really want their help. I was over ruled and they made an appointment to come to my house. When they arrived I told them how uncomfortable I felt having them there. The two people were great. They told me they understood and that they could rearrange the appointment at their base the next day. They did their risk assessment and left. I was glad as it gave me time to think. 

Today I had that appointment and it went OK. I had to talk a lot about what is going on for me and I was finding it quite hard. But the doctor was great and very gentle in her questioning. This was something that had been missing from last months appointment. It was decided they weren’t the right service to support me as I felt, myself, that it was too overwhelming. But I was OK with this. Or so I thought…

This afternoon has been extremely difficult. The come down from feeling quite positive about the outcome has been difficult. I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin and everything is irritating me. I now feel quite negative and the thoughts that were troubling me are back. I just can’t understand this sudden change in mood that has come on or the speed that the elation, of not having to see the crisis team, turned to absolute misery. 

This post has little use other than to document this feeling and try and make sense of these feelings in my own head. I am lucky to have friends to help me make sense of this sudden shift. Maybe we will never know why this come down took place. 

The next step for me is to have my care coordinator allocated. This is something the crisis team are chasing. I hope to keep you updated on my continuing encounters with mental health services.

Reaching Out

This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading. 

Reaching out to people is something I find really hard to do. And at the moment I am finding it even harder than normal as I struggle with my inner demons. This post is just some thoughts on reaching out and why I am finding it so difficult right now.

I am a very lucky person in respect of the fact that I have some really good friends who are very supportive of me when I am struggling. But at the moment I am finding it very hard to be truly honest with them about just how bad I am feeling and the fact that although I know I need their help, I am struggling to ask for and accept it. 

In my head the voice that I hear has started to tell me to withdraw from those around me. It tells me that I am too needy and should not ask for help especially as I am not worth it. The voice makes it very difficult to argue that my friends want to help me as it says my friends are too nice to tell me otherwise. It has every base covered. I am stuck feeling lonely and being unable to ask my friends for support. 

Reaching out is important as it stops us being lonely and gives us the support network that we need to get better. But it is also one of the hardest things to do when you are feeling particularly unwell, as is the case for me at the moment. Reaching out is something that takes a great deal of courage as you are putting yourself out there. At the moment I just do not have that courage. 

I miss my friends. I am extremely lonely without them. So why can I not fight the voice and reach out despite it? The honest answer is I don’t know. I wish I had the answer as then I could work on a solution. But I am sure I will get there in time. I hope so at least. 

If you are feeling lonely and unwell you might feel like reaching out is difficult also. I hope however that you are able with time to reach out to someone as you are truly worth being supported. I know it might be easy for me to say and understand that it is harder to do. But please know you are worth it. And if you know someone who is withdrawn I implore you to reach out to them and let them know its OK to reach out to you.

Relapse

This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading.

This post is a post I hoped I never would have to write but I think this is an important post for me to write. As you may have guessed from the title things have not been going well for me and I have relapsed into a deep depression. 

The reason I think this is an important post is because it is an honest view of how recovery works. It’s not all high flying and going forwards. There are quite often bumps in the road that tip you into a hole of despair. And that is exactly what has happened to me. 

I’m no longer able to say that I am a year free from self harm. In fact I can barely say that I am a day free at the moment. But part of me is hopeful things will change and I will get there again. I hope I will be able to cope without it again. 

This whole relapse has led me to seeing the crisis team for extra support which did not work out very well. I was told I wasn’t ill enough for their support which led to a further drop in my mood. But on the positive side I am going to get more support in the form of a care coordinator. 

This relapse has shown me how amazing my friends are. Even when I was withdrawing from the world they were there supporting me. I am truly grateful to them for that.

This was just a short post to explain my absence from the blog and show the true nature of recovery. I might not be able to see a way forward at the moment but my friends keep telling me this is just a glitch. I hope if you are having a relapse you can see a way forward and know that this is not permanent.