This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading.
Yesterday, after a psychiatrist appointment, I was referred to the crisis team for the second time in a month. This led to some very mixed feelings following my interactions with them. This is something I thought I’d explore in writing.
When I saw the crisis team a month ago I was desperate for their help and support. I was on the edge and finding the voice I hear very distressing, but I wasn’t self harming at the time. My experience with the crisis team was not a positive one. I was told I was not ill enough at the time; that my main problem was that I lacked confidence and was shy. Nothing to do with the voice in my head telling me all number of distressing things. I felt completely disheartened and it actually made things worse for me. I began self harming again as I felt this was all I had to help me cope.
So yesterday when I was told I was being referred back to the crisis team I was sceptical. I even decided I didn’t really want their help. I was over ruled and they made an appointment to come to my house. When they arrived I told them how uncomfortable I felt having them there. The two people were great. They told me they understood and that they could rearrange the appointment at their base the next day. They did their risk assessment and left. I was glad as it gave me time to think.
Today I had that appointment and it went OK. I had to talk a lot about what is going on for me and I was finding it quite hard. But the doctor was great and very gentle in her questioning. This was something that had been missing from last months appointment. It was decided they weren’t the right service to support me as I felt, myself, that it was too overwhelming. But I was OK with this. Or so I thought…
This afternoon has been extremely difficult. The come down from feeling quite positive about the outcome has been difficult. I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin and everything is irritating me. I now feel quite negative and the thoughts that were troubling me are back. I just can’t understand this sudden change in mood that has come on or the speed that the elation, of not having to see the crisis team, turned to absolute misery.
This post has little use other than to document this feeling and try and make sense of these feelings in my own head. I am lucky to have friends to help me make sense of this sudden shift. Maybe we will never know why this come down took place.
The next step for me is to have my care coordinator allocated. This is something the crisis team are chasing. I hope to keep you updated on my continuing encounters with mental health services.