Tag Archives: tiredness

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: First Chemo

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

This is my view of living with someone who has cancer as someone who has a mental illness. It is my personal experience of the chaotic cancer ride.

A milestone is the first chemotherapy session. It was something we had waited for, for quite a while after diagnosis, or so it seemed. We had a lot of cancellations and changes before the first session took place. Because if the chaotic nature of everything this has taken me some time to write.

Mum had to go to a specialist hospital in London for the first session. This was about an hour’s drive from where we live. It was tricky logistically with having to go up in the days before for blood tests and covid swabs. It was also tiring for my mum.

The stress of the first chemo was immense. It was all so sudden that it came together after all the cancellations and changes. The panic kicked in the night before mum had to go. I couldn’t sleep. I was scared. But I didn’t feel I could show it. I decided I needed to just push it all down. I couldn’t deal with the overwhelming feelings. I needed to just be practical. It was probably not the best idea but how I could cope.

Chemo for mum took a long time. They had trouble with her veins and other things. Plus having three different drugs meant it took all day. She was exhausted by the time she was done and home.

At first, after the chemo, mum didn’t feel too awful and then it hit. She wasn’t sick but felt it. She was very tired and this made her frustrated. Her mind often went blank. It was a difficult time to be at home. Life was just very stressful. I was struggling. I didn’t know how to describe my feelings or what was going on in my head. It was all extremely overwhelming. I didn’t talk to anyone really about how I felt as I didn’t have the words. I just said I was tired, which was true as well.

After the first chemo you think you understand what could happen from what you’ve been told but living it is so different. And if one more person tells us to think positive I think we’ll all scream.

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“I’m Just Tired”: The Truth

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

I say to you I’m tired. And I am. I’m tired of life. I’m tired of my head. I’m tired of everything I cannot change. I’m tired of fighting.

I say I’m tired. And I am. But I’m hiding behind it. I’m not sure what I feel. I don’t have the capacity to know or understand my feelings so I’m tired will have to do as I’m too tired to work it out.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. My body and mind don’t want to work. My head is thumping. My limbs are aching. Sleep doesn’t help. I want to be in bed. I want to give up. I want to hide away.

I’m tired. Of being a burden. Of being a failure. Of being a no good human being. Of being the worst of everything. Of always being the one who doesn’t know how to be OK.

I’m tired and I want to go to bed. But I don’t want to ever wake up. I don’t want to face the world anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore.

So yes I’m tired but it’s so much more.

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My Saturday Night

Trigger warning: please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. There is discussion of self harm.

It’s Saturday night and I feel awful. Current time at writing is 22.53 and I’m laying in bed. I hate myself. That’s what I can identify. Pure hatred. I hate myself so much it hurts.

The evening involved trying to be positive. Or rather not admitting the negativity. I messaged some friends. I asked them how they were and they reciprocated. The thing is I just ignored the question. I diverted the conversation to discuss them or other things. And to be honest all I could say is I feel bad.

Emotions aren’t my strong point. Identifying them seems impossible and it’s bothering me more and more at the moment. I want to make people understand me and I can’t when I can’t understand me. The feeling is that I’m trapped alone. I’m trying to work on it but it feels scary and I feel like I should of done this as a little kid not as a 31 year old.

Since I’ve come to bed, I’ve self harmed. I tried a new area on top of the usual and felt a failure when I couldn’t do what I needed to achieve. My thoughts spiralled again and what I was trying to escape intensified. The hatred for myself at my failure is immense. I just wanted to destroy myself. Self destruction seemed a good option.

The voice is back as well. We’ll it’s never really left just subsided slightly. Not over the last few days or tonight. It’s telling me people hate me and want me dead. People are fed up of me and want me to die. I should do them all a favour.

So yeah that’s Saturday night. A night of mental illness taking over. A night where I hate my existence. And tomorrow will be another day the same. Waking up with blood on your hands will do that.

I’m sorry to anyone reading. Take care.

Picture from Pinterest

Mania

Unedited. Trigger warning just in case.

Currently having experiences of some form of mania on a regular basis. It can be part of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as well as bipolar. Tonight it’s awful. I can’t keep still. My thoughts are racing. I’m irritable. I want quiet but I want noise. I want to move but I want to lay here. I want to do things. But I don’t. Nothing is keeping my attention long. Everything is either very amusing and causing me to try and make things seem funnier to everyone else or I’m apologising profusely for being a pain. I hate this. It’s exhausting but I can’t sleep. Typing is hard. Words are in my brain but typing them out they have extra letters or are spelt wrong or put together in a way that I thought made sense but doesn’t. Luckily autocorrect is a thing and I can still see where I’m making mistakes and change them as I go but it’s frustrating me. I know my writing is probably rubbish. My swearing barrier is also less of a thing though I’m trying to restrain myself from swearing here. I’ve been trying to calm all evening. Doing calming activities but it’s all rubbish and I feel rubbish and frustrated. Nothing works. I’m trying so hard. The mania I have now is linked to a course of steroids I’m on for a physical health issue. I’ve not had mania like this in years. I realise I’m using the term mania a lot and it’s not like with bipolar I don’t think. It doesn’t last solidly. It comes and goes. Normally my mood stabiliser keeps me more stable with dips into depression. I forgot how exhausting this is. And I’m not a teenager anymore. People don’t expect this. As a teenager it could be hidden as just a teenage thing to many. Just someone who was passionate and had lots of ideas and a screwed up sleep pattern. Now as an adult it’s not so easy. My mum notices it. She put it to good use this afternoon moving soil and emptying pots. She saw I couldn’t settle to anything or think for myself so she provided a little routine. It helped. I felt less frustrated. But it’s back and I will go to bed soon to try and keep a routine but I’m not hopeful. The scariest thing though isn’t being out of control (though I hate that feeling) but the thought that what goes up must come downand this applies to my mood too. I will crash. Its inevitable. And I know it will hurt.

My art from trying to calm myself.

Cancer Scare: Results

I wrote before about waiting for results from tests for a lump I found in my breast. Today February 21st 2020 I got the those results. I don’t have breast cancer. They believe I have a condition called granulomatous mastitis. This has meant I have had to have further biopsies to find the cause before treatment can be started.

I’m obviously pleased that it’s not breast cancer. I’m pleased I won’t have to deal with the treatment for that. But I’m still struggling. I feel bad about this. Everyone is so happy it isn’t breast cancer. And I totally understand that. But they don’t seem to of taken on board that there is still something wrong that will involve treatment that I’m concerned about.

With granulomatous mastitis the treatment is a course of steroids for up to six months. It doesn’t sound that bad but there are significant possible side effects. I know I may not get them but the possibility is there. Included in the possible side effects are mood swings, depression and anxiety. Welcome to my world already. But what if it makes things worse? I struggle everyday as it is. The thought of a dip even further is terrifying. I just don’t think I’d cope or survive.

There is also a possible side effect of weight gain. I’m already fighting hard to lose weight gained from years of psychiatric medication. I do not want to put it and more back on. I hate myself and my body as it is.

I know I’m jumping the gun a bit. Today I’ve had to have more biopsies to look for a possible cause that may involve other treatment before the treatment for the granulomatous mastitis itself. It feels overwhelming and again it’s a loss of control which is a huge trigger for me. I feel so alone with this. I feel if I show I’m down over this people will think I’m disappointed it’s not cancer and that’s not the case. It’s just there is still a lot going on and to go through. It doesn’t help I’m in pain from the biopsies.

Anyway that’s where I’m at, at the moment. Again not sure when this will be shared and where I’ll be when that is shared. To stay in touch with me feel free to connect in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. For more information on any health condition check out nhs.uk

Picture from Pinterest

Sunday Night

Please be aware this a personal piece and therefore some of the content may be triggering.

It’s Sunday night. Many people dread it as its the symbol that the working week is ahead. To me that’s not currently an issue but tonight my mood is extremely low. The suicidal thoughts are strong in my mind (I am safe). The voice is loud and I feel isolated. So I’m writing. If you’re reading this good luck as I’ve no idea where this may go. Also sorry as it may get self pitying.

The last few weeks have been hard. Many difficult things have happened and are ongoing. The future is uncertain. As it is for everyone I know. But this makes things hard with my desperate need for control. This makes my mental illness go wild. It sees it as an opportunity to take over even more of my life. It makes me isolate myself. It makes me hurt myself more. It makes me want to no longer exist. The symptoms of depression such as loss of appetite and concentration and difficulty sleeping are back. In my head it is an obvious depressive episode.

I’m also though pushing my way backwards in some ways. I’m trying hard to hide my emotions again which means turning them forever inwards. I’m pushing away the question of how I am and getting others to answer it and forget I never answered. I’m punishing myself in these ways. I’m going back into relationships that are unhealthy. I have no self respect. I have no self worth.

The voice is helping me along with all this. Its a constant torrent of how I should be dead and how much people hate me. It puts doubts in my mind and increases my paranoia. I know people are out to get me or pretending to like me. I understand. I’m unlikeable but they don’t want my death on them and that’s fair. They are lovely people who deserve better than that. They deserve better than me. I’m a burden to them but they are too polite to say it. I’m needy. I’m a pain. I’m selfish.

I’m currently convinced I’m going to be arrested. I’m scared about going outside. I’m forcing myself to do it but I’m terrified. I think Lorazepam is going to be my friend. The anxiety is high. I’m sure I’ve done something wrong and it will soon be discovered. I’m watching out on the local police force’s Facebook page for my picture to appear – without liking the page so they cant find me. Every siren makes my heart beat faster. I’m resorting to pulling out my eyebrows to help me cope with the anxiety.

Also I feel I’m not allowed to feel how I do. That people are trying to take the feelings away and rubbish them. To rubbish me for feeling them. I know they seem irrational. I’m not stupid. But I need to work through them myself to see it. I need to be allowed to feel if I can. I don’t want people to ask if it’s logical or question it. I do that myself. Twitter is my place that I allow myself to currently express myself and I really don’t want people pointing out it’s not logical. I just need to express it.

Physically my body feels like its giving up on me. I feel very unwell all the time. I’m waiting on hospital appointments for different things. I think the current count is five different hospital teams aside from the mental health team. I’m pushing my body all the time. I’m walking about 4k a day. I’m doing things around the house. All on little sleep and feeling pretty awful. I want to give up and stay in bed. It’s just not an option. Other forms of self care are falling by the wayside as well.

I’m also finding the thought of asking for help from my mental health team hard as well. I know I’m a drain on services. I’ve been made very aware of this lately with my care coordinator complaining about her high workload and not wanting me as part of that anymore. It doesn’t matter that a month ago I tried to end my life. Or that in September/October I was with the crisis team. Nope. I’m just a burden and what I feel doesn’t matter. And they’ve lied to me as well.

So there are my current thoughts and feelings. My rant. My Sunday night. Hope yours is better.

To stay in contact you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Christmas Eve 2019

It’s Christmas eve evening. I’m sat after doing all the usual Christmas eve things. I’ve seen family and sorted out some things. I’ve walked the dog twice. I’m wearing a Christmas jumper. And I couldn’t feel less festive.

Everything feels like such an effort. If I could sleep through the day I think I would. My mood feels like it’s dropped as far as it could. I can feel in the depths of me something isn’t right. I can’t identify what the actual feeling is. And I’m not sure I want to. I know I could do opposite action but I actually don’t think I have the time to or the energy. I’m exhausted.

The thing is I don’t want to ruin the day for others so I’m fighting the feeling to appear happy and involved. I’m telling jokes and taking part in games. I don’t want to let them down. The pressure is overwhelming. I feel lonely as I don’t feel I can reach out and say I’m struggling. Especially as everyone is so busy.

The thing that we all need to understand is that mental illness doesn’t disappear for the holidays. My illness doesn’t see the advent calendar countdown and go “oo, I’ll stop being a pain now and let her enjoy things”. If only. The thing is we need family and friends to understand too. If we feel we can say we’re struggling and that we’re not ruining everything by saying it, then that is huge. We can start this off by showing others they can say it until we feel we can say it. Let’s lead by example.

Also let’s ask people if they are doing OK. Let’s tell them we don’t mind if the answer is no. We need to make the world a more accepting place. Especially at these times of the year.

So I hope if you can you talk to someone. You’re all amazing. Big hugs to all. Feel free to connect on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Christmas Care

As the festive season is now upon us I decided to ask a few people what would help them with their mental health during this period. Here are some of the responses.

@JamesConlon_

@pjshaw192

@YvetteCaster

@eperry27

@sarahsazzlechop

@_divine1_

Self Care

A common theme mentioned by those I asked is self care. I couldn’t agree more. Looking after yourself is important. You are important. It’s OK to do things for you. You are worth looking after.

@Mike_Douglas_

@anxiousosaurus

@georgie_lloyd

@GumOnMyShoeBook

@BeyondTheBorde3

Take Time Out

If you’re struggling, as said above, it’s OK to take some time away from the people you are spending time with. Even if it’s just five minutes in the toilet to take a breather. If you can have a space you can go to away from people to allow yourself a few moments.

@Addict2L

Use your skills

If you’ve done therapy and learnt skills to help yourself. This is the time of year to use them.

@pigletish

Say No

It’s hard but saying no can be so important. Boundaries are important and at this time of year its easy to feel like we have to say yes to everything or we spoil the fun. But that’s just not true and if saying no helps us stay well then we should do this.

@BpdBryan

Money Isn’t Everything

There is a lot of pressure at this time of year to spend a lot of money on presents and going out. However if we don’t have the money we can feel stressed and even put ourselves into debt trying to please people. The thing is people value other things more than presents. They would rather you were well than stressing and making yourself ill over spending money on them. Money doesn’t prove you care. Showing love does.

@CaraLisette

@KatieConibear

@aimes_wilson

@Idaisrecovering

Don’t put pressure on you

This time of year is for you as well as others. If you can’t manage something that’s OK. You need to look after you and others would prefer you to be well than struggling.

@_NatashaDevon

@hannahrainey_

Keep planning

Over the holidays it can be tempting to just give up doing everything. While it’s OK to take a break, it can also be important to make plans so that we keep going and don’t get dragged into sitting in our heads.

@RichBiscuit21

Be open

It’s OK to tell people you’re struggling at this time of year. If you need support it’s OK to ask for it. Don’t be afraid to be open with others.

@EleanorSegall

@insideliamshead

Be with others

For some people being on their own is the biggest problem so if this affects you then make plans to spend time with people.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post. If you have any tips or things that help you with your mental health during the festive period then feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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I Need It Out

Please be aware this post may contain content that is triggering. It includes talk of suicide and swearing. Please take care.

Currently listening to the voice being a constant negative monologue in my ear. It’s been pretty bad lately and the hours I’ve spent having to hear it are numerous. Today I just need it out and the thoughts that go along with it. It may not make much sense so apologies in advance.

(Italic = voice, bold = me)

You’re vile. Why would anyone want you?

I’m not. I don’t know.

You are vile. No one wants you. You’re a burden.

I know. I’m sorry.

You should die. Everyone wants you dead.

Leave me alone.

Why would anyone want you? You’re nothing.

Come on you should be dead. Why aren’t you dead?

But it’s not easy.

You should just do it. You’re weak. You’ve always been weak. That’s why no one likes you.

But they say they like me. They’re not liars.

They’re just being nice. They put up with you. They’re better than you. They have more worth than you. You’re nothing.

But…

You are nothing. You should be dead. Why can’t you just die? That’s what everyone wants. That’s what everyone needs.

Why?

Because you’re bad. You know you’re bad. You know how evil you are. You deserved everything that happened. You make people hurt you.

I know.

If you know why are you still here? Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

I can’t.

For fucks sake just do it. You’re weak and pathetic. No one wants you. They all wish you died. They’re just too nice to say it. Just do it.

I can’t.

This is why people hate you. Can’t you see how much you annoy everyone. Why do you even open your mouth? No one wants to hear it. No one cares. You just annoy everyone. They hate you.

But I’m trying to make things better.

All you do is hurt everyone. You should die. Why don’t you just die?

I’m not talking to you anymore. I don’t need you.

You should be grateful for me. I tell you the truth. They want you dead but are too nice to tell you. Don’t talk anymore. They don’t need you, you’ll see. You’ll see how much better they are without you. Then you can do it knowing its the right thing. You’re weak. Too weak. Dying would be the best thing for you. You just get in the way. You’re worthless and a waste of space. You should just die. If you’re not going to talk to me I’ll keep telling you everything. You should just die though. You’re a fuck up. Why can’t you see it?!

That’s just an extract of what seems to be pretty constant to me. Replying isn’t easy. I don’t often know what to say to it. I feel powerless most of the time. Distractions have not been helping lately but I am aware they help a lot of people. This isn’t really an advice post. More a me getting it out and hoping to feel less alone post. The voice is isolating. It can be hard to fight. It can be hard to ignore. But I’m trying.

Please don’t feel alone and feel free to connect via the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

Rock Bottom And Below

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Things feel rubbish. I’m struggling. Heading downwards yet again. I’m highly stressed at the moment which isn’t helping. Whoever said keeping busy is good for your mental health doesn’t have a mental illness. It makes me worse. And it doesn’t stop the thoughts or the voice. All the time I’m doing things I’m thinking about how useless I am or hearing the voice telling me to die or hurt myself.

The thought of socialising at the moment is just hard to contemplate. I don’t want to talk to people but at the same time I do. I guess its more I don’t want to talk about banal things and want to discuss what is going on. I don’t want to be selfish though.

I feel so alone with everything. There is no easy solution to what is going on and I know that frustrates people. I’m just being a burden. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want to be that person.

I’ve been crying a lot as well. I’m not a big crier but it has all been overwhelming and it has got to me. Self harm has been my coping mechanism. It’s not ideal but it makes me feel more in control and gives me some relief from what’s going on in my head (I’m not advocating self harm at all here, it’s just how things are for me at the moment).

I had a message from the DBT peer support group that I’m attending’s facilitator where I shared some of what I’m going through and she said she was proud of me. I keep listening to the message. I can’t believe it though. I don’t deserve people to be proud of me. I’ve done nothing to be proud of. In fact I feel I was such a pain to everyone there and so unfair to all of them. I hate myself.

The suicidal thoughts are also strong. I have no plans and I’m safe but my mind keeps going over how much better for everyone it would be if I was gone. People would be better off. I’m just a useless waste of space. Noone needs or wants me. What is the point of my existence? There isn’t one.

I’m really sorry for this negative post. This is my reality. It’s also the reality for many people battling mental illness. Rock bottom is a scary place to be.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest