Category Archives: Intrusive Thoughts

Screwing Up

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

I have screwed up majorly. I have pushed people away and withdrawn from others. I didn’t mean to. I just am either too much or not enough. There is no balance. I warn people and they say they can’t see it and then when it happens they recoil in horror. I tell them they need to tell me as I’m not skilled at picking up social cues but they don’t and just ignore me. I know it’s my fault but it hurts.

All that is going through my head is how much I must of hurt these people. I hate myself for it. I’m not excusing my behaviour but I don’t always realise when I’m doing or saying something wrong. If people let me know I could try and talk to them and make things right but I don’t always get the chance. I understand that maybe they get too hurt by it but when they just ignore me without telling me I’ve hurt them I feel worse. I know that’s selfish as it’s not really about me but it would help others too as I could learn what I’m doing wrong instead of just guessing. Also I really want them to know how sorry I am and I dont get the opportunity to let them know.

People say I’m being paranoid. That I need to understand that people might be busy or not well. I understand this I do but I can’t help going through everything I’ve said and done to the point I make myself sick. It makes me push away further if they do come back. It also makes me try to not get too close to new people. Though I fail at this massively. I get caught up in it all too quickly. My feelings for people go to an extreme and I’m desperate to talk to them and help them. It all becomes too much again and again people ignore and hate me.

I want to ask what is wrong with me but we all know. I’m just not cut out for friendship. I deserve to be alone.

It’s not just friendships I screw up though. It seems I destroy my support systems and the help I’m being provided. I reach crisis point and they say its too much. They can’t help me. I trust them and ask for help and it backfires. I’m pushed further away when what I need is reassurance. They wonder why people don’t talk when they’re suicidal but what other option is there when you’re scared you’ll lose everything anyway. Why try to make yourself better? For people that say they are good at working with people with BPD they seem to forget the fear of abandonment part that can cause further crisis. It feels like they’ve helped me hit self destruct again. But then at the end of the day it is my fault. I should never of asked for help instead of acting on the thoughts I was having.

So there you have it. Why I’m a screw up. Don’t worry I hate myself more than anyone else.

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Feeling Trapped

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some content may be triggering.

I’m stuck in this place where I don’t know what I want. All I know is I want out. I feel trapped in a life where nothing feels good enough, where I can’t seem to share all that I’m feeling and thinking. I feel like everything is overwhelming.

I’ve recently started volunteering and while everyone says it’s a good thing (and I do get some enjoyment out of it) I feel like it is too much too quickly. I don’t feel in the right head space but I don’t feel able to say no or to give it up. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Also I’m kind of stubborn and know I will feel like a failure if I have to stop.

I also have changed care coordinator which has been stressful as I know the new one is only temporary. I have only just come round to this to have another blow come out of the blue on my appointment for my psychiatrist. It seems I have a new one. And now I’m scared that all the plans made with my other psychiatrist will go in the bin. I am terrified of being left feeling the same way as I already do. I’m so anxious.

I’m also feeling trapped in my mind. The voice is loud right now and working hard to convince me that I should be dead. The intrusive thoughts are overpowering and trapping me further. I can’t rid myself of them and I feel embarrassed by their content. Something I’m building up to telling my psychiatrist about. It means I feel so lonely.

I also feel lonely because I don’t feel able to speak out to others. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to come off as needy or be the friend that is always bringing down the mood. I keep using the phrase “not too bad” when asked how I am, desperately wanting people to see beyond the words.

Overall everything that is happening is just piling on the pressure and I feel like I’m going to explode or hit the self destruct button. I’m already harming myself and I want to do it more and more. I’m not satisfied with my current level of self harm. My head is telling me to do more or worse. Though why it should matter I don’t know. It’s just how I feel. Maybe I want someone to notice I’m in a worse headspace than I may appear to be, based on what I’m doing. I am trying to get help.

If you want to keep up with how I’m doing feel free to follow on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Jealousy

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering.

I’m currently sitting here feeling jealous and as far removed from the mental health twitter community as possible. I feel like I’m not good enough and that my voice doesn’t matter.

The thing is I hate myself for feeling this way. I’m very lucky to be in this position with my blog growing. It’s taken a lot of hard work though and I feel like maybe people don’t appreciate this. But I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t do this for follows or awards. I keep telling myself this but sometimes a little recognition would be nice.

Jealousy though is something that bothers me a lot though. In everyday life I am jealous of others and I truly hate myself for it. I should be happy for others who are achieving and going places. For those that have houses, careers and families. Yet I have none of that. I feel I barely have any friends either.

Don’t get me wrong I am not totally alone and I love the friends I do have as they are amazing but sometimes I wish I was one of the cool kids (this may be part of the problem as I’m nearly 30 so far from a kid 😎). I wish that people took notice of what I do and said well done or celebrated me in some way. This makes me sound shallow I know but we all need reassurance and recognition that we’re doing OK.

So I’m just going to encourage you to tell people when they’re doing well or if what they’re doing matters to you. (I’m not expecting you to say nice things to me I promise). One way that people in the mental health blogging and social media world can do this is via the MH Blog Awards. If there is someone you think should be recognised you can find all the info here (again I’m not asking you to nominate me but someone you feel is worthy of recognition).

Anyway feel free to share ways you deal with jealousy in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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What It Feels Like To Be Suicidal

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering.

I have spent a huge amount of time feeling suicidal. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve been making plans at all times but it has involved wishing I was dead and attempts at some points. It’s a complex feeling so I thought I’d try and explain what it is like to feel suicidal.

Feeling suicidal is exhausting. It is tiring fighting against a brain that wants to kill you. It takes a supreme amount of effort to get up in the morning and functioning at all is wearisome. Feeling suicidal leads to you wanting to hide away from people and it takes a huge amount of effort to keep seeing people.

You also often hear how suicide is selfish. This couldn’t be further from the truth. When I have been feeling suicidal I have spent hours going over and over in my mind about how people are better off without me. I spend time imagining how their lives will be improved without me in them. I go through thinking how hurting them in the short term will be worth it for the long term improvements in the future. Thinking of others is my major concern. I don’t want to be a burden to them anymore.

When feeling suicidal it can feel like your thoughts are crushing you. The weight of them is a burden that is hard to bear. The thoughts become intrusive and make it difficult to do normal things. The whole time you can be ruminating over why you should die or even how you could do it.

Suicidal thinking is tough. It is the most unnatural thought process. We are meant to strive to survive but instead our brains want us to die. It is far from easy. It is definitely not a sign of weakness.

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal there are people you can talk to. The Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a week or see the page of crisis numbers from the menu above.

If you have any thoughts you want to share then feel free to use the comments, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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New Year’s Eve

This is a personal piece. Please be aware that content may be triggering.

For me, New Year’s Eve is the most difficult day of the year. Last New Year’s Eve I attempted to take my own life. This year I’ve found myself planning to do the same (I have discussed this with my care coordinator and have a plan to keep me safe in place). I hate this day so much.

New Year’s Eve, apart from being a day of celebration for many, is a bad anniversary for me. This makes it harder for me to join in with the partying and celebrating. In fact I don’t understand why people see it as a reason to celebrate.

For me New Year makes me look back on the previous year and sometimes years before. This I find distressing as I relive all the bad things in my life. For example this last year I have attempted to end my life five times. This makes me feel despairing and wondering if the following year will be the same or worse. I find it hard to be optimistic about the future.

Another reason this New Year is difficult is that 2019 will see me turn 30. For me this feels really difficult to comprehend. I find myself worrying about what I will do to mark the occasion and whether anyone will be around to help me mark this milestone. I also feel pressure to celebrate my birthday when to me it shows my failure to end my life. Its very confusing. I know the things I said are a paradox.

I also have things to look forward to in 2019 but it’s hard to see this right now. The whole new year, new me idea is something I hate. Change to me is scary. It feels overwhelming and with the pressure of the new year, new me brigade it makes me want to hide away. I don’t feel good enough. I find myself comparing myself to others.

So what’s my advice for New Year’s Eve and New Year in general?

  • If you don’t want to celebrate New Year’s Eve then don’t. I will be sitting with the dog reading my book in my pyjamas.
  • Don’t feel pressure to change anything. If you feel it’s too much right now then it’s OK to do things at your own pace any time of the year.
  • Distract. If you find yourself dwelling on the past, try to do something to distract yourself.
  • Try to avoid alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant so can make things feel worse.
  • Talk. Reach out to others. They can help you. You’ll be surprised how many others dislike New Year’s Eve.

So all that is left for me to do is wish you a peaceful New Year. Take care of yourself. You are important and you matter.

To connect you can use the comments, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

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Intrusive Thoughts

Please be careful when reading this piece as some of the content may be triggering.

Intrusive thoughts are quite common in people who have a mental illness. The reason I chose to write about them now is because my own intrusive thoughts are impacting on my life a great deal. Therefore I thought it would be good to share about them and make others aware just how much of an impact they can have.

Intrusive thoughts can turn up in a multitude of guises, from ruminating thoughts to obsessions. It can be defined as an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image or idea that is upsetting or distressing. They are often difficult to manage or get rid of. Intrusive thoughts are heavily linked to OCD but you can also get them with other mental illnesses including anxiety and depression. 

What form do my intrusive thoughts take?

My intrusive thoughts tend to centre around people dying. In particular people close to me. I become convinced that some how my actions are going to cause people to become unwell and die. A fair amount of the time these thoughts are fleeting and I can work to stop them becoming an overbearing part of my life. At other times, like currently, I cannot control the flow of almost constant thoughts through my brain. I become convinced people will die and it will be my fault.

What impact do my intrusive thoughts have?

 My intrusive thoughts tend to leave me in a state of high anxiety at nearly all times. I am hyper vigilant a lot of the time. When the intrusive thoughts are at their most demanding, I feel constantly on edge. The gear pulses through my body and I am terrified. I can’t control the thoughts at this level so they are constantly rolling over and over in my mind. It is exhausting as there seems to be no off switch. 

These thoughts can lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts, as my brain tells me this is the only way to stop the bad things from happening. It can also lead to other rituals, for example, I have to keep my fingers crossed or someone will die. I can do this to the point my fingers are painful because they’ve been in that position so long. 

How can you deal with intrusive thoughts?

Coping with intrusive thoughts is tough. There is no quick solution. They are always going to be there to some extent, I have found. When my thoughts are at their worst I get and use distractions to keep them at bay. This can include colouring, origami or listening to a podcast. I also try writing. Sometimes this doesn’t work and my anxiety keeps rising, at which point I have to use PRN medication (in my case Lorazepam) to help me cope. If intrusive thoughts are really effecting you, it is worth discussing with a mental health professional or doctor as there is treatment available. You do not need to suffer.

Have you experienced intrusive thoughts? If so what has helped you? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments or on Facebook or Twitter.

Late Night Anxiety

This is a personal piece I wrote a short time ago. Please be trigger aware when reading.

It’s eleven at night and I am wide awake with anxiety. I stupidly decided to look up a medical procedure I have to have and I’m now terrified. It suddenly seems a much bigger deal than I first thought.

This is anxiety that is acceptable but it is no easier to deal with than the waves that pour over me for no reason. I am still terrified to sleep. Still tight chested and struggling to keep my breathing at a regular pace.

Anxiety has been a part of my life for about four years now. I mean I always got anxious a little bit but this was when it started to get out of control and rule my life more. It stopped me doing things I wanted to. Anxiety became a prison. It trapped me in my own mind and in my house. It trapped me in situations I could not change.

People discard anxiety as not that serious, but it has been one of the most debilitating illnesses I’ve had. It has controlled me. Made it impossible to work. Taken away experiences in my life. Made things I should enjoy, unbearable. I hate anxiety.

Telling someone with anxiety everything is fine so why are they worrying is unhelpful. Most of the time we rationally know that the world will not fall apart but we cannot stop the waves that tell us the opposite. They come over us and drown us in doubt. The “what if’s” creep in and suddenly we are panicking. We cannot control this. If we could we would. We might learn strategies that help but the anxiety is still there.

Panic attacks come in many different forms. Everyone seems familiar with the hyperventilating panic attack, where the person is struggling to breathe. This is the obvious panic attack. But there is also the quiet panic attack. The panic attack where you sit quietly, feeling the dread come over you, unable to move. Or being so overwhelmed you cannot gather your thoughts together. This is the side of anxiety people don’t see but is as equally debilitating.

Having no explanation for your anxiety is highly frustrating. Everyone will ask you “why are you anxious?” and you just can’t answer that question some of the time. Oh how I wish I could. I’d love to know why my brain is finding a situation threatening. I would love to stop the panic of the unknown. But sometimes it’s not to be and anxiety just takes over.

So that is just a small insight into an anxious mind, though all of them are different. I just ask that you are patient with my anxiety and understand I’m not trying to be difficult. I’d love things to be different but some days it’s just not to be.

If you would like to share your experiences of anxiety you can in the comments, on Twitter or Facebook.