Date of session: 28/10/2020
Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚
Going into today’s session I was not feeling great. I was in fact dreading it and for the last few days I was considering whether to just cancel it. However I didn’t and so the session went ahead.
When asked how I felt I explained I didn’t know how to explain how I felt and wasn’t even sure I knew myself. We then went through it step by step to try and identify the emotions. This seemed to take the whole session.
Disecting the emotions was something I found difficult to do and to deal with. Emotions to me are so alien in terms of what they are called. To me they are just either good or bad. And disecting them actually made me feel worse. For some reason it made them feel more overwhelming.
My issues with emotions have long been there. I feel stupid that I can’t name them. I just find it frustrating.
I’m finding therapy is making me realise how much I’m actually struggling. I am finding issues I didn’t know were there and it’s demoralising. It’s like I’m never going to be able to function as a normal human being. This happens each time I do therapy. I see things I thought I was managing broken down and show I’m not doing as well as I thought.
I also forgot to do the activity mentioned to me last week which I totally forgot about. This didn’t go down well. There were also some other things that made me want to tell her that I know about mental illness and other things. There are times I feel I’m being talked to like I’m an idiot and have no idea about certain things. This is probably my fault. I struggle to talk. I struggle to find words.
I’m not sure where we are going to go with this next week. I was grateful for cat cuddles and being wrapped in a blanket during this session. I’m still finding the whole distance thing hard otherwise. Dreading next week already.