Monthly Archives: January 2021

Therapy 2021: Session 4

Date of session: 26/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Before this session I had homework to do. I left it until the last minute due to feeling ill and tired most of the time. I also knew it would be hard as it involved identifying emotions at some level. This is an area I find hard and frustrating. I also had to build a new safe place to use to do this. This I resented. I did it the night before.

At the start of the session, as always, I was asked how I’d been over the last week. I said about the pain and tiredness. She asked how I’d been doing with the self harm and I replied I still hadn’t self harmed since before Christmas. She was pleased with this. I am less so at this time. She also asked how my dissociation had been which I always find hard to answer as I’m not always aware when I’m dissociating. I explained a couple of things and she said it sounded more like acting mindlessly rather than dissociating. I’ll agree to disagree here but hey ho.

We then moved on to look at the new safe place I had created and went through all its sections and the different senses that related to it. I won’t discuss my safe place at this time as I’m not sure it is a wise thing right now. She was happy with the place I’d created and the use of senses. She then asked about emotions and feelings in the body. This is where I had difficulty and this made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed (anger and annoyance I can identify, though not always accurately in others). She now wants me to keep going through the safe place when I’m not stressed to see how it reduces feelings and calms me. Then move on to practicing it when I think of a mildly irritating scenario. At the moment I’m in a constant state of anxiety so we will see how we go.

After this she wanted to discuss next steps. She had, had her supervision meeting and discussed about doing further trauma work with me now I wasn’t self harming (a prerequisite I had been given). It was now decided it was still to unsafe to do the trauma work online due to my high score on the DES (Dissociative Experience Scale) as she wasn’t in the same room as me. I understand this to an extent but it feels like I have to somehow get better so I’m the right level of ill. I can’t be too ill, but I can’t be too well.

The above led me to having to make a decision. We could do another couple of sessions winding down and then leave it until face to face was an option or I can join a trauma information group in March for eight weeks and next weeks session would be my last individual session. I explained I would have to consider the timing of the session and how it would impact on my family as its a two hour course. I had some less than pleasant comments in response that left me incredibly upset, including “the group will go ahead with or without you” and “you’re lucky to be offered this so soon”. I don’t dispute how lucky I am, I just needed to consult others as I’m not the only person it will effect. She knows of the difficulties at home. I was told to just be assertive.

After the session I was in tears. I felt some of the comments were unfair. I had not turned it down flat, just explained that I wasn’t sure I could do it due to the issues in my family. But then I was an awful person. I feel now something that may be paranoia but also may not be, which is that this has all been to leave me without support and the world knowing how awful I am. I’m still not feeling great in regard to this. I have considered emailing the psychologist but I’m also scared too. It has triggered a lot of feelings of fear of abandonment.

I have managed to arrange that I will be able to attend the group of the offer is still open. We will see what happens next week.

Winter Self Care In Lockdown

I know we are quite a bit into winter but as I’m in the UK we all know winter is going to be here forever more (yes I’m exaggerating). So I thought I’d put some winter self care together and that which is appropriate for a lockdown.

1. A warm drink

Simple maybe? Maybe not. The thought of making a hot drink for some feels insurmountable when times are hard but if you can it may make you feel better. Even just an ordinary soft drink is good as well. I’m not one for hot drinks myself so understand if you don’t want one.

2. Snuggle in some blankets

If all you can do is keep yourself warm and comfortable it’s still self care. It’s nothing to feel guilty about, your comfort is important. Enjoy the blankets.

3. Watch something you’ve wanted to

Whether it’s a boxset binge or a film you’ve been meaning to watch, make the most of the cold weather and the instruction to stay indoors and watch it. Remember you can always pause something if you can’t concentrate for long. I often watch episodes or films in bits as I can’t keep my mind on things for long.

4. Something creative

If you feel up to it then what about something creative. Drawing, modelling, painting. I’m currently doing a painting by number that really helps me with my anxiety. Even a jigsaw or lego is creative. Do what you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be perfect or put on display.

5. Reading

I read quite a lot but I know it’s not always easy so there is the option of listening to an audio book if you feel that would work better.

6. Nap

Naps are amazing. Have no guilt in giving your body what it needs.

So those are a few ideas from me. Obviously there are lots of different things that you can do. Do what is good for you. Remember self care isn’t selfish. It’s something we all need.

Therapy 2021: Session 3

Date of session: 19/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Since my last session I have felt incredibly unwell mentally. My anxiety has been through the roof, especially with regard to the homework she set, and I’ve had many flashbacks. I’ve not slept particularly well and felt very sick. This is where we started the session.

My homework had been to wish for my psychologist to get ill everyday. This made me feel particularly ill. It was to prove to me that I have no control over people getting ill. And I understand that and rationally know its true but I’m not there on an emotional level yet. The psychologist had not been ill, or at least she told me she hadn’t, and tried to reassure me. It had also brought up ideas that maybe this had been to prove how evil I am as well. The psychologist started to think maybe this had been a step too far too soon. We may go back to this at a later date.

The main point of today’s session was to create a safe place for me to go to mentally in my mind. This didn’t go particularly well and I think the psychologist saw this. I do feel I should have been guided better with my choice as its far from appropriate now I look back at it and at the end of the session it was suggested I might try somewhere else that is calmer. I feel because I was being asked to use emotions to find the safe place I misread it all. I find emotions so hard to place. I was totally lost with it.

I’m trying so hard in these sessions. I’m continuing not to self harm. I know it’s going to be more difficult before it gets better but at the moment I’m struggling. I feel so alone. I feel noone can understand this. Feeling constantly on the edge of panic is exhausting. I’m so tired right now.

Therapy 2021: Session 2

Date of session: 12/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

This session was an incredibly difficult one. I still feel very unwell from the session even after over 24 hours after the session. Many things were covered.

We started the session by looking at how I am doing with not self harming. At the time of the session I was on day twenty eight since I’d last sef harmed. I explained it was still causing me extreme anxiety that people will become ill. I explained I’m trying to keep going over the rational side of things but it is hard, especially before sleep. We talked again about the rational side and things I can do to make my bedtime easier. She then set me the hardest thing I could think of doing at this time. She wanted me to wish for her to become ill each day.

As soon as she said this to me I felt physically sick. The thought of saying that I want anyone to become ill is just so against what I think and feel and do. I’m still finding it hard to comprehend and my first day of trying it has left me feeling even more physically unwell. I understand the point is to show me I don’t have the power to make people ill but I’m still scared.

We also looked back aty results from the Dissociative Experience Scale (DES) that I completed in the last session. It came out pretty high at 85% out of 100% which says I’m dissociating a lot of the time in different ways. We looked at specific questions I scored highly in more detail so she could get a bit of a more in depth understanding about my dissociation. Problem with this though is that when you dissociate quite often not aware of things so it was tricky.

We also completed the IESR questionnaire which looks at the effect of trauma on my life. This consisted of twenty two questions related to how much certain things, linked to trauma, effected me in the last week. I scored fifty three which is apparently quite high and suggests PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) which is stressing me to the point it impacts on my immune system. So it’s nice to know I score highly somewhere… πŸ˜• Above thirty seven identifies PTSD. Apparently it was not surprising I scored highly. It was a difficult questionnaire to do.

All the things I’m doing now are working towards starting proper trauma therapy. I’m feeling really apprehensive about it all at the moment. Life is feeling extremely difficult and I’m working on finding new ways to cope. We shall see how things go.

Lockdown 3.0

This is not a post I thought I’d write. Actually more hoped I wouldn’t write. The UK is back in lockdown. Our 3rd. I won’t go into the politics of it, that’s been covered a lot.

With each lockdown there has been new challenges to get through. I’ve found my tolerance for other people has deteriorated dramatically. I’ve felt more and more alone each time. And my support system feels more and more depleted each time.

With regards to other people, they make me angry. Anger is an emotion I struggle to cope with so it’s an awful place to be in my head. I want to scream and shout at the selfish people who keep putting us back in this place of lockdown because they can’t do as they’re told. I want to shout at those who get too close not only because they shouldn’t, but also because it scares me. People scare me enough as it is. The pandemic and lockdown just add to this.

Loneliness is another aspect of lockdown that gets to me. I can message people but it still doesn’t feel enough. I live with people but sometimes that makes me feel lonelier as they don’t understand what I’m dealing with inside. I don’t like a lot of physical contact but there are some people I just want to hug. I miss them so much. The thing is I’m also finding myself getting anxious about talking to people. Zoom groups are feeling harder than ever and I feel so detached.

The reduction in support is also feeling more of an issue. My contact with mental health services has been depleted and I’m struggling. I feel like I have nowhere to turn at the moment and more things I use to keep me well ish are disappearing.

So yep lockdown 3.0 is set to be a challenge. I’m trying so hard. I’m looking at skills I can use from DBT to help me get through. I just need to get through it. The thing is I’m a paradox and the thought of “normal” scares me too.

To keep in contact please feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Therapy 2021: Session 1

Date of session: 05/01/2021

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care πŸ’š

Today was the first session of the new year after having a two week break. Its been a hectic break that has brought up a lot of issues.

Before Christmas it was decided that I would try and stop self harming. I haven’t self harmed since the day before our last session on the 16th December 2020. That means I havent self harmed for three weeks. She was pleased with this. I have struggled with the anxiety this has brought me.

With an OCD element to my self harm, it means stopping creates anxiety especially surrounding the health of those who are special to me. I believe if I don’t harm myself they will get ill. This has been tested greatly as my mum became unwell and was hospitalised only days after stopping. My friends son has also been unwell and this has added anxiety of whether I’ve caused his illness.

Within the session today we discussed this and did an analysis of all the times my mum has been unwell and whether my self harming behaviour could of been related. Obviously, when you look at it rationally, it turned out it was just a 50/50 chance. Rationally my self harm wasn’t having an effect. Also she pointed out that I was trying to manipulate the facts to fit with my thoughts or as she put it “your OCD”. It has given me a lot to consider. I can see the rationality but believing it is hard.

We also did a questionnaire to start working towards trauma therapy. As I have experienced dissociation she wanted to see how it effects me. The questionnaire we did was called the DES or Dissociative Experience Scale. It was interesting to go through as it made me see that maybe some things I experience are dissociation rather than normal. I didn’t get the results today but will discuss next session.

I don’t know what the sessions ahead will involve but I’m sure they won’t be easy. Thanks for all the support I get. I feel I’m learning a lot.