Date of session: 30/09/2020
Please be aware that some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚
Today’s session started off with asking me to look back on last week’s session and how I felt. I admitted I felt angry but found it hard to discuss the causes of this anger. I think for me, even though I know she is a professional and I don’t feel we get on very well, I’m still scared that she is going to stop the therapy and abandon me and I’m scared to say anything that may cause that. I’ve waited a long time for this and pinned so many hopes on it that I’m terrified of losing it and losing hope, though some of that feeling is already creeping in.
We went back over the self harm issue again and how I’m loathe to let it be the main goal of my therapy to stop it. We went through wise, reasonable and emotional mind from DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills to look at where I’m at. Apparently even when I think I’m being reasonable I’m not. After this we left it to go on to discuss other things, taking away from this being a large goal.
The main part of therapy today was to look at the voice I hear. I was trying to explain how even though I’m aware that it is either a chemical imbalance or trauma based phenomena it does not stop the impact it has on me. I did start to feel invalidated here, which felt ironic as later when looking at something else she stated part of my issues come from being invalidated.
Overall there is not much to discuss from today. I was very frustrated through a lot of it as I felt I wasn’t making myself understood and I couldn’t find the words to make myself understood. There are many things I struggle with and get upset with and this is a big one. It’s why many times in my actual life I don’t talk to others in case I’m misunderstood. Speaking, for me, seems to take away my ability to use language affectively. And even if I write down and read it I try to alter it and again become frustrated.
I was given my first piece of homework today as well. After I informed her I was not worth anything she decided that was not the case and wants me to find ten things that would be different I was worth something. She has no idea of the evidence I have to back up the statement that I am not worth anything.