Monthly Archives: September 2020

Therapy 2020: Session 5

Date of session: 30/09/2020

Please be aware that some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

Today’s session started off with asking me to look back on last week’s session and how I felt. I admitted I felt angry but found it hard to discuss the causes of this anger. I think for me, even though I know she is a professional and I don’t feel we get on very well, I’m still scared that she is going to stop the therapy and abandon me and I’m scared to say anything that may cause that. I’ve waited a long time for this and pinned so many hopes on it that I’m terrified of losing it and losing hope, though some of that feeling is already creeping in.

We went back over the self harm issue again and how I’m loathe to let it be the main goal of my therapy to stop it. We went through wise, reasonable and emotional mind from DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills to look at where I’m at. Apparently even when I think I’m being reasonable I’m not. After this we left it to go on to discuss other things, taking away from this being a large goal.

The main part of therapy today was to look at the voice I hear. I was trying to explain how even though I’m aware that it is either a chemical imbalance or trauma based phenomena it does not stop the impact it has on me. I did start to feel invalidated here, which felt ironic as later when looking at something else she stated part of my issues come from being invalidated.

Overall there is not much to discuss from today. I was very frustrated through a lot of it as I felt I wasn’t making myself understood and I couldn’t find the words to make myself understood. There are many things I struggle with and get upset with and this is a big one. It’s why many times in my actual life I don’t talk to others in case I’m misunderstood. Speaking, for me, seems to take away my ability to use language affectively. And even if I write down and read it I try to alter it and again become frustrated.

I was given my first piece of homework today as well. After I informed her I was not worth anything she decided that was not the case and wants me to find ten things that would be different I was worth something. She has no idea of the evidence I have to back up the statement that I am not worth anything.

Dear GP 2

There is an amazing account on Twitter called Dear GP where people write letters to their GP about their encounters with mental health professionals in the same way mental health professionals write letters about their patients to their GP. You can visit the website here. I thought I would have a second go at this below after an encounter during lockdown. My first attempt is here.

Dear GP

Today I had a telephone consultation with care coordinator M due to the current lockdown conditions. This was an unscheduled appointment and was preceded by a text message which stated that she wanted to talk to me straight away and was demanding of immediate contact without considering my prior commitments.

When we spoke to each other on the phone, M was in a jovial and friendly mood. She seemed to need reassurance about our working relationship due to comments from other staff members based on what she had said. She denied she had said anything to other staff members about our working relationship and stated “we work well don’t we?”. Her need for reassurance shows, I believe, an insecurity and possible fear of abandonment.

We then discussed my mental wellbeing. Here M was keen to show that everyone is struggling and dismissed suicidal ideation. Her concentration during this part of the conversation seemed to dip and she appeared to want this to end quickly.

Her next actions I believe confirm her fear of abandonment. She decided to put an end to our working together stating a too high workload. She did however say that I could always let her know good news. She seemed not to wish to cut ties completely showing difficulty with endings.

Overall I think M may need to work on her social skills but I do not wish to see her again and feel she will be fine under your care. Please do not rerefer.

Yours

Jo

Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Therapy 2020: Session 4

Date of session: 23/09/2020

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care. 💚

Another session, another after feeling of frustration. There is definite anger in there too. I’m trying to rationalise and go back to DBT skills and wise mind it all. Currently that’s not working. Currently my emotions are taking over. I’ve worked to identify them and as anger is one I recognise easily I got there quickly. There is still more to work out too.

We are still not going to tackle trauma therapy properly yet or in this cycle of therapy (the word cycle isn’t right but I can’t think of the right one). She wants us to tackle my self harm full on. This has been the most annoying thing. I made it clear I did not want stopping self harm to ever be my goal for therapy, now I’ve been pushed into it. I told her I felt I didn’t have any choice in this and that it was not my main aim. She is concerned I could make a fatal error with my self harm. I said that really didn’t bother me and could be for the best.

So we’re going to tackle my self harm. She wants to tackle it as an addiction. This is something I agree on with her, that it is an addiction. My self harm is not impulsive. It is well thought out. She can see my reluctance to let it go. We discussed a few of my reasons for self harming and what I get from it. She said this may mean we touch on some areas of trauma but not in depth.

We also discussed the voice I hear. Again I got annoyed and frustrated. Explaining myself out loud in words is something I struggle with. Talking face to face with a person is something I struggle with when it involves emotions, mainly because I don’t have the ability to identify them. Therefore I feel wire’s were crossed andd I wasn’t understood (something that makes me stop talking). There was doubt from her it is a voice which made me angry. I know the difference between the voice and a thought I have. I’ve been through it so many times with numerous mental health professionals. Her doubt in me upset me and I felt like I wasn’t being believed.

At the end of the session I was glad it was over. I didn’t want to speak to her anymore. I became very monosyllabic towards the end. I think she underestimates what I understand about mental illness and in particular the ones I deal with. I feel that I’m not being seen as an experienced person in regard to my own life. It feels like supposed solutions are simple to her when it’s actually a complicated situation. I think I have a lot to think over before next week.

Update (23/09/2020 9.58pm) my anger over a comment she made has been simmering all evening. I’m not sure I can believe it was said)

Therapy 2020: Session 3

Date of session: 16/09/2020

Please be aware some content may be triggering. This post will be discussing self harm. Though I will try to avoid discussing methods it may become apparent with other things mentioned. Please take care. 💚

Today’s therapy session has left me feeling annoyed and frustrated. If I’m honest there is also a bit of resentment in there too I think. I feel like I’m repeating everything from my assessment and it has become obvious that this is because the psychologist has not read the background mentioned in the assessment. I understand I have to explain a little but when she said she had no awareness of my living situation or my issues at home this annoyed me. Why did I bother with the assessment? Surely it’s there to help them know something about me before it is discussed. Like I said I understand going through some things but the basics at least should be noted.

I also feel I’m getting no new methods to help me. Everything is a repeat of things I already know and understand. For example today when asked at the beginning I mentioned my issue with sleep. She then asked if I knew about and used sleep hygiene to which I responded that yes I did know about and use it. We then spent nearly fifteen minutes going through each item of sleep hygiene to find out I’m doing it all, which I’d already said, and that it was not something we should focus on. When a session is limited to 50ish minutes and there are a finite number of sessions this feels wasteful.

We also discussed my self harm. This was also documented in my assessment but seemed to be a revelation to her. We discussed the seriousness of the current level of self harm. We looked at how things could go wrong with the self harm I am doing and how even a slight mistake could end my life. In all honesty I think she was expecting this to bother me. It didn’t. With my current mood that would be a blessing. She asked me how important stopping was to me and the honest answer is that at this time it doesn’t bother me that I’m self harming. Then I think she wanted to make me bothered by telling me we would definitely not be doing trauma therapy with this level of self harm. I’m angry about this as the assessment knew all this and still recommended trauma therapy. Plus my psychiatrist believes without trauma therapy the things they want to be better for me to do it won’t get better without it.

With regard to the self harm we also discussed about the use of DBT skills to help, in particular distress tolerance skills. I was able to explain that I find this unhelpful as my self harm is not impulsive which is what these skills seem to be aimed at. I was grateful that the psychologist agreed with me on this matter. I’ve not had much support with this idea elsewhere.

Currently I’m feeling trapped in a cycle which I don’t know how I can get out of. I feel like noone is taking into account what needs to happen to move things on or it is not being discussed between professionals. It’s making me lose hope. It’s making me wonder if there is any point to anything. We shall see how it goes I guess.

Technology was an issue again today with us being cut off but I did receive a phone call after this.

I was lucky that straight after I was able to have cat cuddles to help me calm myself.

Suicide Talk

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care.

When I feel suicidal I know that my answers to questions and what I say in general change. How I act may also seem to differ from “normal”. Here I thought I’d discuss some of my tells and some I have learnt about from others. Being aware of when someone is feeling suicidal means we have a better chance of helping them before we lose them. Everyone is different but hopefully this may help us identify the signs and give us the courage to ask these people “are you feeling suicidal?” and get them the help and support they require.

1. I’m fine/I’m tired

A huge thing is that when I’m doing really bad I say I’m doing good. Or I say I’m tired. It’s a sign my mood is rapidly dropping. I might not be at the suicidal zone yet but I’m heading that way most of the time. There are other phrases I’ve heard other people use that are signs they’re struggling which have included “not too bad”, “plodding along” or “up and down”. Obviously people use this when they aren’t heading into the suicidal area but it’s worth being alert.

2. Withdrawing

This is a huge tell of mine. In my head I’m thinking that I’m helping people get used to me not being around and showing them they don’t need me in their lives. I convince myself it’s for the best. It takes a lot to drag me back from this without me making an attpt although that has become less frequent in the last couple of years.

3. Suicide memes/quotes

I may start to spend a lot of time on Tumblr looking at the suicide hashtag. It’s normally something I will do without others being aware so not always a sign but occasionally I will share one or two of these.

4. Googling methods

Again this is something I may do on the quiet so not always obvious but I may admit it to others. It may be that other people don’t hide it as much and it is a sign to look out for.

5. Being really happy after being really low

Sometimes I will go to the total opposite. I will desperately try to hide behind humour. I will try and be really bright and help everyone and not answer when they ask how I am. I become really generous and do lots.

6. I don’t answer how I am

Yep I hid one in above. Did you notice it? See how easy it is to miss? Sometimes the signs are so hard to see. I dont always see them. I’ve had a friend make an attempt later the same evening I’ve been talking to them and never twigged how awful they were feeling. It brings its own guilt but it is not your fault.

There are other signs I have written about before but I thought these would give an insight into the less well known. And ones I’ve experienced. For others please look at my other blog post here.

If you have anything to add feel free to use the comments or you can find me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. If you are feeling suicidal you can contact the Samaritans in the UK or go to the page called crisis lines in the menu for help in other counntries.

Therapy 2020: Session 2

Date of session: 09/09/2020

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering.

Today was session 2 of this round of therapy. And my goodness was it hard. The build up was very much part of the difficulty. I found last week extremely difficult and was scared what may come this week.

This week though the psychologist wanted to discuss whether I should even do therapy. She was unsure if it was the right time which confused me a bit as I had my assessment which was then discussed with others who agreed on therapy and this was done by someone I knew so could talk to more openly. I felt like I was going to lose the therapy before it even started and I could feel the panic in me rising. While doing therapy is hard the thought of not getting it just made me feel totally hopeless.

The psychologist decided we should do a pros and cons list for doing therapy and not doing therapy. They were as follows:

Pros of doing therapy:

  • Reduce flashbacks
  • More aware of causes of issues
  • Reduce self harm
  • Improve things

Cons of doing therapy:

  • Relapse may occur
  • Feel like a failure if I don’t achieve anything
  • Painful to do

Pros of not doing therapy:

  • Don’t have to deal with things
  • Don’t have to change

Cons of not doing therapy:

  • Lose hope

I then had to score how important each were and it came out that I really wanted to be doing therapy and trying. This is true. That con of not doing therapy was for me the biggest thing. Losing hope. If I don’t do therapy I don’t know what will happen. I feel stuck if I don’t as everyone is convinced in order to sort anything out it is what I need.

So it was decided I should do therapy but maybe not trauma based. This is disappointing in some ways as it’s what I feel is holding me back but as I’m self harming and hearing a voice she is not convinced I’m stable enough. The thing is the psychiatrist is convinced I need to do this therapy in order for these things to be help. So yeah… Where do we go to from here? I feel trapped.

I started to feel like I was dissociating during this session. I think it was self protective as I just wanted to cry but not in front of someone I barely know. I cried after.

So that was session 2. I think I’ve got a lot to process still. I’m feeling very vulnerable. Also a lot of pressure to stay stable. I’m not very good at that at the best of times. Thing is I feel BPD doesn’t help with stability. Who knows what will happen next?

Sorry

I’ve worried people. I’ve been selfish but for unselfish reasons (it will make sense). I hate myself. I’m sorry.

The last week I stopped talking to people. My personal social medias became empty. My others became sparse. Emails went unreplied to as did other forms of messages.

I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t deal with my head and everybody else. I couldn’t cope with the voice being there 24/7. I couldn’t reply to people it was telling me I was burdening due to the wave of depression that has hit me. And it is depression. I recognise it all too well. It’s not just a BPD mood swing. This is more substantial. It’s the utter flatness. The true feeling of detachment from everything. Nothing is enjoyable. Words are hard. Doubt has grown.

Also having had the first therapy session didn’t help. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it. But I couldn’t. Depression robbed me of that. As did the voice. The utter shame I’ve felt since the session hasn’t helped either. I’m in a complete pit of self loathing andd I don’t want to burden people with these things.

The depression is very much still there. Self harm has increased. Suicidal thoughts have too. No plans though as that would take too much effort. Self care has taken a knock. A shower is now a big occasion. Every little thing feels like I’m wading through treacle to do. It’s less than ideal when I’m having to take on more responsibilities at home.

So I’m sorry to anyone I’ve hurt. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve worried. I’m sorry for anyone who has got caught in the fallout. And I’m sorry that I know this will probably not be the last time. I understand if you want to leave me. I understand if it’s too much to cope with. I’m sorry.

Therapy 2020: Session 1

Date of session: 02/09/2020

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering.

Today was my first therapy session (of my fourth course). I want to kind of record my thoughts afterwards. This will be a general process without specifics. It’s for my benefit more than anything but if it helps someone then all the better. If it doesn’t work for me I will stop.

The therapy I’m doing is trauma focused. It is being done via video link due to the covid pandemic. This was something that was really bothering me but I have seen some advantages already to try and hold on to. These are mainly linked to the aftermath in that I don’t have to get home or be in public after a session and I can have immediate cat cuddles. There were some issues though.

The first issue linked to the video was getting it to work. I managed in the end but it felt more complex than zoom which I’m used to. The other is that the session is a set time so it will just cut out at the end, which it did during the risk assessment. I thought she would phone to finish the risk assessment but that didn’t happen and its left me wondering if that’s a sign to hurt myself/end my life.

Talking was hard. I find certain words impossible to say and others hard to hear. This was tested straight away. I also felt like I was repeating some of my assessment again. I should of realised that would be the case but I stupidly didn’t think of that. I think the logistics of starting the therapy took more of my anxiety than the content. This has now reversed.

EMDR has been mentioned but may not be easy via video. It’s also something I’ve not particularly wanted it to do as I find keeping my eyes on one thing difficult. My eyes are constantly flicking everywhere. Also being at home there are distractions. All this has come to me after the session so will probably need discussing with the psychologist.

The psychologist seems really nice. I know she will push me but she is understanding this is going to be hard and will take time to build a relationship.

In the aftermath the voice has been horrendous. Its been telling me that things that she has said are untrue. That she is being nice but what I believe about myself and things being my fault is still true. I’m struggling in all honesty.