Tag Archives: racing thoughts

Feeling Broken

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

I’m broken. Broken beyond repair. A failure. A burden. Useless. Worthless.

I’ve been trying to move forward. Make progress. I’m being proactive. I’m making plans. Signing myself up to things. Exercising. Taking my medication. But what’s the point when I just go backwards.

Tonight is a little paradoxical. I’m feeling like a failure not because I self harmed deeply but because to me it wasn’t “good enough”. I’m in pain and feeling not good enough. Therefore I’ve sunk further. All the thoughts of my inadequacy have come to the forefront. People, friends (though why they bother with me I do not know) tell me I’m not what I think but I can see the evidence. How can they not? Or are they just too kind to agree?

I’m nothing. A waste of space. Someone to be hurt. Someone with so little worth that it doesn’t matter what others do to me. I should just take it. Even hurt myself. That’s what life has told me.

Sometimes I forget these things. I feel good. Then I remember. That’s the hardest.

Feel free to follow on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Suicide On The Rise

This post discusses suicide so please be aware content may be triggering. No methods will be discussed.

So the stats are in for 2018 and for the first time in ten years the rate of suicide in the UK has gone up. And it’s not a small increase. The rate has increased by 11.8%. So why suddenly are we having an about turn, with suicide once again on the rise?

There are obviously many theories to the increase and of course we can never be a hundred per cent sure why more people are dying by suicide, but here are a few things I feel may be contributing to the increase. Of course I’m not an expert and this is just my opinion.

One of the groups most effected by the increase in suicides was the under 25s. The rate of suicide for this age group increased by 23.7%. Why is there such an increase in this age group? Obviously the big thing that people will say is that it’s down to social media and I understand this in that if young people are bullied it’s constant and doesn’t go away when they get home. But it’s not the full answer. There is a lot of pressure on young people to achieve in exams and go to university and get a high powered job as well as living a wonderful lifestyle. That’s not going to help. If you feel like you’re failing it’s going to impact on your mental health. The main reason though, that I feel is to blame, is the lack of funding in mental health services for children. Yes we are identifying mental illnesses in children and young people more than ever before but what good is that when we can’t support them with it. Being told something is wrong with you but you’re not ill enough to get help hurts. It can cause further drops in your health and make you feel worthless. It’s all very well encouraging people to talk but what happens when there is noone there to listen?

With every age group there are problems with access to mental health care. We simply have more need than resources can meet. People are slipping through the net. And even if you do get to see a mental health professional they are so busy that they can not always give the care that is needed. More money and more access to talking therapies would be a great start to helping reduce the suicide rate.

Men are again the most likely group to die by suicide. This hasn’t changed. This is worrying considering the amount of effort that has been put into trying to help men seek help. This can only mean there is more to do. We still keep hearing the phrase “man up” a lot and men being put down for talking about their feelings. Why is such a bad thing for a man to feel something and discuss it? At the end of the day they are human too. Humans need support. It is not a bad thing. It does not make you weaker than anyone else, in fact it is a strong thing to admit you need help.

This leads to another big issue that surely cannot be helping the suicide rate and that is stigma. Yes it still exists and not just with the general population but within mental health services too. Yes, we seem to have a greater understanding of depression and anxiety but other mental illnesses are overlooked. My personal experience with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is that because my mental illness is different it isn’t always understood, even by mental health professionals. This leads to stigma. Stigma grows in lack of knowledge. Therefore maybe we need to be educating people more in the different mental illnesses so they are understood and people are able to offer help before it’s too late.

Overall we need to look at many different aspects to get the suicide rate going down again. It is an issue for the whole of society. We all have a part to play. For more information on the suicide rate statistics check out the Samaritans website. They can also offer support if you are feeling suicidal. You can also check out the crisis lines in the menu at the top. Feel free to comment your thoughts here or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

If You’re Feeling Suicidal, This Is For You

If you’re reading this you are probably in a really difficult place. It’s one of the hardest feelings to deal with, but I have hope for you because you are reading this (don’t worry I’m not saying I can solve all your problems in a blog post, I know that’s unrealistic).

Great, you’re still reading, thank you. I know with how your feeling it can be hard to hear that things will improve. At the moment it probably feels impossible that anything can change. The world feels overwhelming. It feels like the only option is to end your life. But you are worth more. You are worth love and support.

I know you may not believe me and I understand that. I’ve been there. I still go there at times. But I believe you have value. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this. There is someone who would be lost without you.

Still reading? Awesome. Now let’s think about some things you might be able to do to help yourself in the immediate future. If you can try and do one of these things it might help put some distance between yourself and your thoughts:

Talk to someone: This is a huge step I know but it could be the most important thing you could do. It doesnt even have to be about how you are feeling, it could be about a TV show or anything that will help you distract for the time being. Of course if you can say how you’re feeling that would be great but I know it’s a big step. It doesn’t even have to be someone you know, you could call one of the crisis lines here.

Take a walk: Sometimes putting some distance between ourselves and where we are staying can be a good thing. If you feel you can keep yourself safe then a walk may help you to feel a bit better. If you can let someone know you’re going that can help you to make sure you are safe.

Do something you’re good at: There is something you are good at. It may be something creative, it may be some sport or it may just be a computer game. Whatever it is do it. It may help you to see you’re not worthless; you can achieve something.

Hopefully there is one thing there that you can do. Or you may think of something else that may help you distract from the thoughts that you are having.

If you’re still reading that’s great. You’ve achieved something just by getting this far. If I was with you I would give you a hug. I can’t take away your pain but please know someone cares; I care. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know you, I would not wish these feelings on anyone and want you to be safe. I’m sure there are others who care too.

This is where I leave you. But you are not alone. I hope I’ve helped in someway. If you want to get in contact feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

Am I Happy?

I’ve been feeling good which has been an unusual feeling, especially as last week I was nearly admitted to a psychiatric ward. But is it happiness I’m feeling? What else could it be?

There are many different definitions of happiness. These include phrases such as feeling joy or contentment. These definitions all seem very abstract to me. How do I know from this if what I feel is happiness?

DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) teaches us how to identify emotions as part of emotional regulation. I guess the idea being that in order to regulate your emotions, you first need to know what you’re feeling. Identifying feelings/emotions has always been a weak point of mine. Most of the time I can say an emotion is either good or bad. I might be able to describe what it feels like in my body but not always successfully. It is something I’ve been trying to work on and DBT has some skills that are useful to help with this.

As part of my DBT skills therapy we were given a booklet of about 10 pages identifying the core emotions and how to recognise them. It covers different ways of identifying the feelings from looking at physical reactions to situations where it has arisen. It is a useful guide but very chunky and not ideal for carrying around with you. This means working out how to react at the time is difficult.

But back to whether what I’m feeling is happiness. It’s hard to tell. It seems to start out as a feeling of great energy. I feel I can do what I want to do and nothing will stop this. I have energy. My appetite fluctuates. I’m trying hard to make jokes and make people smile. I’m trying desperately to look after people. And then it becomes irritable.

In my mind this isn’t happiness. It doesn’t seem to fit with the feelings that are linked to happiness. There are no obvious events linked to these feelings. None of it fits. So what is this?

Some people would call this a kind of mania. There are similarities. But to me it is a high. It might be fleeting or it may last longer. This time it’s lasted a few days and is dwindling. The irritability has definitely kicking in. For someone with BPD this can happen. A huge mood change, from one extreme to another. It can be exhausting to live with.

For help with identifying emotions these worksheets may help. It’s a skill that can be worked on and is definitely something I am still working on.

To discuss further please use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Screwing Up

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

I have screwed up majorly. I have pushed people away and withdrawn from others. I didn’t mean to. I just am either too much or not enough. There is no balance. I warn people and they say they can’t see it and then when it happens they recoil in horror. I tell them they need to tell me as I’m not skilled at picking up social cues but they don’t and just ignore me. I know it’s my fault but it hurts.

All that is going through my head is how much I must of hurt these people. I hate myself for it. I’m not excusing my behaviour but I don’t always realise when I’m doing or saying something wrong. If people let me know I could try and talk to them and make things right but I don’t always get the chance. I understand that maybe they get too hurt by it but when they just ignore me without telling me I’ve hurt them I feel worse. I know that’s selfish as it’s not really about me but it would help others too as I could learn what I’m doing wrong instead of just guessing. Also I really want them to know how sorry I am and I dont get the opportunity to let them know.

People say I’m being paranoid. That I need to understand that people might be busy or not well. I understand this I do but I can’t help going through everything I’ve said and done to the point I make myself sick. It makes me push away further if they do come back. It also makes me try to not get too close to new people. Though I fail at this massively. I get caught up in it all too quickly. My feelings for people go to an extreme and I’m desperate to talk to them and help them. It all becomes too much again and again people ignore and hate me.

I want to ask what is wrong with me but we all know. I’m just not cut out for friendship. I deserve to be alone.

It’s not just friendships I screw up though. It seems I destroy my support systems and the help I’m being provided. I reach crisis point and they say its too much. They can’t help me. I trust them and ask for help and it backfires. I’m pushed further away when what I need is reassurance. They wonder why people don’t talk when they’re suicidal but what other option is there when you’re scared you’ll lose everything anyway. Why try to make yourself better? For people that say they are good at working with people with BPD they seem to forget the fear of abandonment part that can cause further crisis. It feels like they’ve helped me hit self destruct again. But then at the end of the day it is my fault. I should never of asked for help instead of acting on the thoughts I was having.

So there you have it. Why I’m a screw up. Don’t worry I hate myself more than anyone else.

For further comments please use the comments, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

I Want To Die

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some content may be triggering. I have sought professional help.

I want to die. That is my overbearing thought at the moment. Its there when I wake up until I go to bed. My thoughts go to how I could do it. The voice tells me how much better for everyone it would be and how useless I am that I am still alive.

My body is something I’ve lost respect for again. I feel its failing me again. It’s not doing what it should. It’s a constant trigger at the moment. I hate that I can’t fully get the help I need with it because of what has happened in the past stopping me managing the tests I need. I hate that where I have tried to sort things they are not going to plan. Why should I care about something that has let me down in the past by reacting when I didn’t want it to react? I hate it. I want it gone.

The memories at the moment are overwhelming. I always try to push them down but sometimes they just rise again and again. I hate that they effect me when I know they shouldn’t. I should be over it all. I try and believe people that it’s not my fault but then the logical side kicks in and shows the evidence of why it is my fault. I know people are just trying to be kind to me but I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.

Stress at the moment is also high. Home life is hard. I feel that whatever I do isn’t good enough. Nothing I say is right. If I try to help I’m wrong. If I don’t I’m wrong. I feel guilty constantly and like I’m letting them down. I’m trying to help but it’s getting on top of me and I don’t know how to respond without upsetting people. Noone cares how it effects me. But then I know I’m not worth anything. I’m just a burden.

I feel guilty for asking for support. I feel I take too much. I don’t want to take away from other people but I fail at that. Again a lack of control makes this worse. I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of others. It’s not me. I don’t want to make them worry. I’m not worth worrying about. Therefore if I’m gone it would be for the best.

My life is pointless. I have no potential. I fail at everything. I try and then things get in the way. I suck. I’m a burden to those around me. Why would they want this useless mess in their lives? They are too kind to say otherwise but I know I shouldn’t be here as it would make their lives easier. They could focus on the important people who deserve help.

I should die. I need to die. I want to die.

If you are feeling suicidal the Samaritans are there to listen or if you are from another country you can find a list of crisis lines around the world in the menu. Feel free to use the comments or Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to share your thoughts.

Picture from Pinterest

Ashamed

This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.

Today I had a melt down. Not just a little one but a major, uncontrollable show of emotion. I was in the DBT peer support group that I’ve started attending and I got triggered and that was it. My mind started turning over everything. Memories came back with full force. The voice started. It was overwhelming. I started by sitting quietly with tears going down my face. We were doing an exercise and everyone was focused and I just couldn’t ask for help. Then someone noticed me. They asked if I was OK and I got asked if I wanted to take a moment. That’s when things just nose dived.

I practically ran out the room. I wanted to slam the door behind me but couldn’t do it. This infuriated me and I hit the wall and ran to the stairs. At that point I just sobbed and emotion overtook me. There were so much emotion that I have no idea what it was I was feeling. All I know is it was horrible. In that moment I wanted to die. Everything was so intense. It felt unmanageable. I felt nothing was going to be OK again.

Luckily the peer support facilitator followed me. She was amazing. She got down to my level. I think she grabbed my arms. It’s a little hazy. I can’t remember what she said. All I know is she got someone else to go in with the group and took me somewhere quiet.

When we got in the office I just wanted to curl up small and hurt myself. I hated my reaction as well as still feeling the heightened emotions. Also everything was still going through my head. I couldn’t look at her. I was so ashamed of myself for so many reasons. For my reaction. For my feelings. For the thoughts of what had happened in the past. For what the voice was telling me. I started to hit myself as I was asked to stop. I hadn’t even realised I was. Things were hazy. It was like being in two different places.

The facilitator started talking to me. The conversation is a little bit of a blur. But it started to calm me. She got me to focus on my breathing to bring me back to the moment. She then had to leave me to go back to the group but someone else sat with me. They talked to me about nothing in particular but it helped. I started to be able to respond and the tears seemed to stop. The intensity of the emotions slowly eased.

When the facilitator came back we decided to have another talk. I opened up about a lot of things from my past. It all kind of blurted out. There were things I had never really spoken about. It just felt, well not easy but, OK to talk about. I felt listened to. I felt understood. I felt I mattered. But this was also contradicted by other feelings of shame (of what had happened in the past and of needing to ask for help), of being selfish, of guilt. I hated myself. As much as I was told it was OK I couldn’t believe it. I was (and am) an awful person. I couldn’t stop apologising.

Eventually I left, apologising as I went and promising to email her and contact my care coordinator. I decided to text my friend. She was the only one I wanted. I explained to some extent what had happened and she was concerned about me. Immediately guilt started to escalate again. But I kept talking (still apologising). She kept me calm. She was great. I’m so grateful for her. I’m so grateful for the facilitator too.

When I got home I got into trouble for being home late. It started as soon as I walked in. Immediately all the negative emotions started to rise again. I tried to explain I had a melt down and the questions started. They were things I found difficult to discuss but they wouldn’t leave it alone. Even when out walking with mum she brought it up and told me I just need to get over it. Maybe she is right but it added to how bad I’m feeling. Shame came forward again.

Since then things have been hard. My mind has been going over things. The voice has played its role. I’m trying hard to stay afloat. But its tough. I hate myself.

If you have any suggestions on dealing with shame feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest