This is a highly personal piece. For this reason please be aware that the content may be triggering. I am safe and have support in place. I have spoken to mental health professionals. This is unedited.
Today I planned to end my life. But I’m still here. Alive. Writing to you all. I might write this and never share it or I might decide its an important part of my journey.
There will probably be lots of questions. The main one will be “why?” Why would I want to end my life? Why would I choose to leave everyone and everything behind? The answers are complicated. And some of it is highly personal. But the main reason is I have lost hope. Lost hope that I can beat these illnesses. Lost hope that I will ever live a fulfilling life. Lost hope that I can win, not only the battle, but the war.
I have been fighting for as long as I can remember. Life has always felt difficult and a struggle. Or at least that is how it feels in this despair that I am currently feeling. There are of course happy times. But in my current mind they are tainted by the memories of the difficult times.
This is depression at its worst. Taking all hope away. Forcing bad memories to the front of my mind. Making me convinced that those around me would benefit from my death. I know this is depression talking, yet I feel powerless to fight it. I feel so far down in the pit of despair that the only viable option, to my mind, is to die.
But I am still here. Why? What is it that is holding me here when I can only see the bleakness? I don’t really know. Fear plays a part. I am terrified of death. Terrified of the unknown and what, if anything, comes next. I also think I am here because of the what if’s. What if things improve? What if it does hurt people? What if? What if? All racing through my head.
My feelings about being alive are mixed. There is anger at myself for not being ‘brave’ enough. But then people say I am brave for living? There is anxiety about how low I have become and what this means. What will happen next, when I explain just how bad things got? And there is sadness that things got this far in the first place. Each of these emotions I will have to face.
So these are just some of my thoughts. Some of the ramblings of a poorly mind, because at the end of the day that is what I have to remind myself that I have. If you ever feel this way there are people that can help. The Samaritan’s can be contacted 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on the information below.