This is a highly personal piece. Please be trigger aware when reading. This post mentions suicide and suicidal thoughts. It doesn’t however mention methods. Please take care when reading. I am currently safe and have shared these thoughts with mental health professionals.
Today I worked out something that is terrifying and maybe kind of sad. Well maybe not worked out but realised. That thing is I am only still here for one reason; fear.
This may sound dramatic but it hit me today that if I didn’t have fear, I would probably be dead. So what is so terrifying that I am still alive? The answer is the unknown and death.
I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings a long time and have been often asked “why do you not act on your suicidal thoughts/feelings?” I have always given the answer that its the people around me that keep me here but today I realised that’s just not true anymore. Yes, I love the people around me but in my mind they would be better off without me. This was when it came to me the reason I am alive is actually pure fear.
I am terrified of dying and the unknown that is entwined with it. We have no definitive answers on what happens after we die. I know many people have different beliefs but mine are very undefined and therefore for me I see no certainty in what comes next. This terrifies me.
So why does it bother me so much that what is keeping me alive is fear? I don’t really know why I find this scary but I can guess. Part of me thinks it is rather sad that I see no need for my continued existence. Another part finds it scary because fear can be such a fleeting thing and can be overcome. At this moment it is scary to think I could not be here if I just overcame that fear.
For the foreseeable future though I am here to stay. My fear of death shows no sign of abating. I don’t know how I feel about this. Mixed feelings, probably, if I am honest. I do have support in place.
If you are feeling suicidal please seek help. Look at the useful websites page for organisations that can help.