Date of session: 16/12/2020
Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚
Today was my last session of 2020. It was also meant to be the last session of this course of therapy but that has changed and will be now continuing in the new year.
Yet again the anticipation of the session was overwhelming. In all honesty I’ve just felt incredibly tired since last week and no idea what else I have felt. I’ve not really had the time to investigate what I’ve been feeling either.
Today we looked again at the stopping of self harm. To do this we looked again at the motives behind it and how I feel when I try to stop. The huge anxiety it gives me. This made her more sure this was now an OCD behaviour. We looked at intrusive and obsessional thoughts and how they relate to my thought patterns. I did get a little frustrated that I wasn’t being understood.
Because of looking at this as an OCD behaviour it has meant we are going to look at a certain way of combating this. I think it was called habituation and changing the way I see it from a need to a want. We looked at what is classed as a need and what is classed as a want. It did leave me feeling guilty about my self harm. There will also involve a behaviour experiment about what might happen if I don’t act on the thoughts.
Part of the habituation means giving up the self harm and riding out the urge and the anxiety it causes. This feels scary and my anxiety started to creep up just talking about this. It was edging on panic. The thought of losing the self harm is scary. I’m terrified. I have to log everything about how I feel, what I think, what I do to distract/help myself and how long the anxiety lasts. Apparently anxiety shouldn’t last more than 40 minutes. This is not my experience but we shall see.
This time of year is hards for me. Part of me wants to say this isn’t the right time to stop but is it just another excuse? I’m dreading later on when I don’t do it. Will I just be a failure either way?
I have two weeks to see how I go. Two weeks until another session. I hope not to be a burden to others. I’m hoping I don’t compensate with other behaviours I use to ease anxiety. We shall see.