I Need It Out

Please be aware this post may contain content that is triggering. It includes talk of suicide and swearing. Please take care.

Currently listening to the voice being a constant negative monologue in my ear. It’s been pretty bad lately and the hours I’ve spent having to hear it are numerous. Today I just need it out and the thoughts that go along with it. It may not make much sense so apologies in advance.

(Italic = voice, bold = me)

You’re vile. Why would anyone want you?

I’m not. I don’t know.

You are vile. No one wants you. You’re a burden.

I know. I’m sorry.

You should die. Everyone wants you dead.

Leave me alone.

Why would anyone want you? You’re nothing.

Come on you should be dead. Why aren’t you dead?

But it’s not easy.

You should just do it. You’re weak. You’ve always been weak. That’s why no one likes you.

But they say they like me. They’re not liars.

They’re just being nice. They put up with you. They’re better than you. They have more worth than you. You’re nothing.

But…

You are nothing. You should be dead. Why can’t you just die? That’s what everyone wants. That’s what everyone needs.

Why?

Because you’re bad. You know you’re bad. You know how evil you are. You deserved everything that happened. You make people hurt you.

I know.

If you know why are you still here? Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

I can’t.

For fucks sake just do it. You’re weak and pathetic. No one wants you. They all wish you died. They’re just too nice to say it. Just do it.

I can’t.

This is why people hate you. Can’t you see how much you annoy everyone. Why do you even open your mouth? No one wants to hear it. No one cares. You just annoy everyone. They hate you.

But I’m trying to make things better.

All you do is hurt everyone. You should die. Why don’t you just die?

I’m not talking to you anymore. I don’t need you.

You should be grateful for me. I tell you the truth. They want you dead but are too nice to tell you. Don’t talk anymore. They don’t need you, you’ll see. You’ll see how much better they are without you. Then you can do it knowing its the right thing. You’re weak. Too weak. Dying would be the best thing for you. You just get in the way. You’re worthless and a waste of space. You should just die. If you’re not going to talk to me I’ll keep telling you everything. You should just die though. You’re a fuck up. Why can’t you see it?!

That’s just an extract of what seems to be pretty constant to me. Replying isn’t easy. I don’t often know what to say to it. I feel powerless most of the time. Distractions have not been helping lately but I am aware they help a lot of people. This isn’t really an advice post. More a me getting it out and hoping to feel less alone post. The voice is isolating. It can be hard to fight. It can be hard to ignore. But I’m trying.

Please don’t feel alone and feel free to connect via the comments or on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Picture from Pinterest

3 thoughts on “I Need It Out

  1. Sadie Hall

    This hurts my heart for you. I hope you find ways to muffle that inner bully. I have an inner bully too but it’s not as evil as yours 😦

    Reply

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