This is a personal piece. Please be aware that some content may be triggering.
I’m stuck in this place where I don’t know what I want. All I know is I want out. I feel trapped in a life where nothing feels good enough, where I can’t seem to share all that I’m feeling and thinking. I feel like everything is overwhelming.
I’ve recently started volunteering and while everyone says it’s a good thing (and I do get some enjoyment out of it) I feel like it is too much too quickly. I don’t feel in the right head space but I don’t feel able to say no or to give it up. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Also I’m kind of stubborn and know I will feel like a failure if I have to stop.
I also have changed care coordinator which has been stressful as I know the new one is only temporary. I have only just come round to this to have another blow come out of the blue on my appointment for my psychiatrist. It seems I have a new one. And now I’m scared that all the plans made with my other psychiatrist will go in the bin. I am terrified of being left feeling the same way as I already do. I’m so anxious.
I’m also feeling trapped in my mind. The voice is loud right now and working hard to convince me that I should be dead. The intrusive thoughts are overpowering and trapping me further. I can’t rid myself of them and I feel embarrassed by their content. Something I’m building up to telling my psychiatrist about. It means I feel so lonely.
I also feel lonely because I don’t feel able to speak out to others. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to come off as needy or be the friend that is always bringing down the mood. I keep using the phrase “not too bad” when asked how I am, desperately wanting people to see beyond the words.
Overall everything that is happening is just piling on the pressure and I feel like I’m going to explode or hit the self destruct button. I’m already harming myself and I want to do it more and more. I’m not satisfied with my current level of self harm. My head is telling me to do more or worse. Though why it should matter I don’t know. It’s just how I feel. Maybe I want someone to notice I’m in a worse headspace than I may appear to be, based on what I’m doing. I am trying to get help.
Image from Pinterest