This is a personal piece. Please be aware some of the content may be triggering.
Just a week ago I made an attempt on my life. I was in a dark place and couldn’t see the light. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. I felt I was a burden to everyone; my parents, my friends, the state and NHS. I just didn’t want to have to deal with everything anymore.
This may sound selfish but most of what I was thinking was how people’s lives would improve without me in them. It was far from a selfish decision, although I can see it may seem that way to others.
After I realised that I was not going to die I felt disappointed and like a failure. Why couldn’t I even kill myself? Was I that useless? It felt that way. I felt I was too weak to even manage to die. And I was still that burden on everyone else. I was also scared about telling people what I had done. I didn’t want them to be angry. Anger scares me. It’s a lack of control.
As the days moved on I felt like a failure on different levels. For one I felt a failure for still being alive, for another I felt a failure for not being able to use the DBT skills I had been learning to any effect. I felt I had let everyone down.
I was most scared about telling the professionals involved in my care. I started off by meeting with my care coordinator and told her what had happened. I thought she would be disappointed in me but she wasn’t. She said that she understood I’d tried my hardest. I then had to bring it up in therapy. This was tough because it is a group and I didn’t want to appear like I was attention seeking. It made people upset that I’d tried but the psychologists in charge were really good and said I’d tried hard so I wasn’t a failure. Although this is still hard for me to believe even now.
So where am I at now, a week on? I still am struggling with feeling like a failure. I still feel I am a burden. And also I still feel like I should no longer be living. I also feel bad that I’m not regretting it, or at least I’m not regretting that I tried. This feels wrong as people always tell you that they regretted trying. But I think that may come with time. I don’t know though as my previous attempts I have never regretted them. Am I odd for feeling this way? Who knows? Maybe it’s more common than I think? Or am I just too broken? There’s a lot of questions going through my head now and it’s very confusing. Hopefully this will become more clear with time.
If you feel suicidal please talk to someone, the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
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