This is a personal piece. Please be trigger aware. This was written a few days ago and is a typed up version of what was going on. They are unedited.
This was originally going to be called raving thoughts as this is all this is. The mad, raving thoughts that are running through my head when really I should be trying to sleep.
The thoughts started this afternoon and are going at what feels like 100mph. I can’t make sense of them as they seem to be bouncing off each other and the inside of my head. My pen is struggling to keep up with my brain and I am conscious that my writing is difficult to read and make sense of.
I’ve always had times when my brain seems to work much faster than my hand. When I was at school I would get into trouble for missing out words or letting my punctuation and grammar go by the wayside in order to keep up with the speed my brain was working at. Now my thoughts go through phases where they become an unsettled mess and I just need to get them out.
When my thoughts are working fast I can become elated or I can crash into a pile of thoughts that I just can’t sort through. Things don’t always make sense. Instead it can become a rambling tale that has no direction.
So why am I documenting it? I think it is time I found an outlet and tried to make sense of why I sometimes end up in this state. I can spot patterns and it quite often happens when my mood becomes changeable. My thoughts can go from 100mph to nothing. This can happen quite quickly. Like now in the middle of this rushed scribbling my mind has suddenly blanked.
Controlling these sudden changes is difficult for me. I’m not sure if it is part of my BPD or not. The changeable mood definitely could be and although I am on a mood stabiliser its not totally controlled. Another way I try and control it is self harm. It is not a good coping strategy and only works temporarily. It is not something I recommend.
Right I am going to stop here. My thoughts are slowing. If any of you experience racing thoughts I would love to hear how you cope with them.