This is a personal piece about what I feel. Please be aware there may be triggering content.
Rock bottom is a phrase that is often used by people with depression or other mental illnesses. At the moment that is precisely the term I would use to describe how I currently feel. I’ve thought this before, that I am at rock bottom, but each time it feels like a totally new feeling.
So what does rock bottom feel like to me? Rock bottom feels hopeless and I begin to question my entire existence. Why am I alive? Why does the world exist? Suicidal thoughts seem to infiltrate my mind. I just don’t see how the world would not be a better place without me.
Rock bottom is a lonely place to be. It feels like no one understands what I feel like or where my thoughts are coming from. It is made more difficult by the fact that quite often I can not explain it to myself let alone anyone else.
It causes negative behaviours to become worse. My self harm loses control which is the opposite of why it is normally a good feeling for me. I suppose when I am at rock bottom my reasons for indulging in self harm are different. It becomes an escape from the thoughts and voices that plague my head.
What do I need when I am at rock bottom? That is a difficult question to answer. My thoughts towards it change. Sometimes I feel like I need to talk it out but other times I feel it needs to be kept inside. Sometimes I want to be alone other times I just wish someone could be with me. Its a very difficult state to be in when nothing feels right.
So rock bottom, in summary, is a very difficult feeling to deal with and leads to some very difficult things to overcome. If you ever get to feeling like it, and I hope and pray you never do, please know what you need to do. Please get help as you do deserve it however much you may feel like you don’t. Please talk to those around you so that you have people who know what you are going through even if they don’t understand what you feel. Please remember it is not a permanent feeling and things will get better in the long run however desolate they feel right now. And please if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself please seek medical help so that your risk can be managed appropriately.
I hope that you find this piece helps you if you are feeling like this and that you may not feel quite so alone.