If you could go back and not have your mental health disorder, would you?

This question may sound familiar to you, especially if you watched “Diaries of a Broken Mind” on BBC 3 as its the same or at least very similar to one that they featured. Since watching the show, it is the question that has stuck with me and made me think the most. What would be my answer to it?

I think the question requires more than a yes or no answer and, if I’m honest, I could never say yes or no to it. There is too much to consider when thinking about my mental health disorders. Where would I be without them? Would I be the same person? These are all questions I would have to consider when answering this question. It’s a very deep question I think, and the fact that answers would be unknown makes it harder to give a simple answer.

As much as its hard for me to admit sometimes, my mental health disorder is part of me. I have been a self harmer since I was thirteen which is now over ten years of my life. It feels like I have always had a mental health disorder so would I be a different person without it? The honest answer to this I believe is yes I probably would be. In what ways I don’t know but I’m sure that my personality has developed in some ways due to having depression. Depending on the day of the week and whether I like the person I am or not on that day influences whether I think this is a good thing or not.

Another concern is would I also have the friends I have if I didn’t have depression? I don’t know. I met a lot of my friends through having common experiences. I think our friendships developed as we understood how each other felt. These friendships mean the world to me and for that reason my answer would be that no I would not go back and change anything. I love my friends and if to gain them I had to suffer maybe that is a positive thing.

I think overall my view as to whether I’d change having my mental health disorders is no. There is too much unknown. I could have a different life and things could be better but I’d possibly lose some of the most important people in my life and to think I’d not have them is beyond comprehension. Also my life could be in a far worse place and therefore I may have reasons to be thankful for having my depression.

Wishing things could be different is a dangerous game. Yes, there are areas of my life where I wish I hadn’t made some of the mistakes I have but I also need to remember to be thankful for all that my situation has given me. I think that goes for everyone. Maybe we all need to take the time to look at how things could be different just to realise what we have and what we need to be truly grateful for.


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